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gspiceneg6 posted 5/1/2013 09:18 AM

Trying to learn all the SI lingo/acronyms to be as accurate as possible, so here it goes:

My hub of 8 yrs (been together 10) just returned from a work-related trip to ITaly on Easter Sunday. He gave me a fishy story ab the fact that he returned nearly 2 days early but bc I've NEVER had a reason to think of him as a cheater or liar, I did not question much. He 'confesses' to me Easter afternoon that there were some issues in Italy that might jeopardize his job, but 'we'll be fine.' I flatly ask him if he hooked up with a soccer mom while there and he grabs me, has me look deep in his eyes, and gives me the most sincere assurance, 'Baby, I would never do that to you. You don't ever have to worry ab something like that. Baby, look at me! I would never do that to you!'

Fast forward 2 days - I am sitting at my desk (at work) and I get an email from the husband of the woman who he hooked up with on his exotic travels. This man caught them in the act (of supposedly only kissing) after a night of drinking. I was devastated and my world turned upside down.

WH swears that this is the only time and that there were no plans between the two of them prior to leaving for Italy.

Some TT going on. For example, this morning I find out that when he went with the group drinking, it was ab 2 blocks from the hotel. Our 11yo son was at the hotel (rooming with other kids his age) but still - my WH left the premises to go drinking, w/o his wife, leaving our son alone in a foreign country, just so he can get some ego stroking from a married woman whose son he coaches!!

Just what I know about sickens me, but I feel that there is more. He has spent the last 6 years out of town @ 15-25 weekends a year. I just always believed the sincere assurances he has given me and I reciprocated dedicated, committed love. But he has proven that he can stare deep into my eyes and LIE, even when called out on it.

Oh...to make the story even more interesting, the woman he hooked up with works with me (and so does her husband). I have never worked closely with either of them but I have previously communicated in email (ab a year ago) about job opportunities.

I waffle back & forth to the extreme - hysterical bonding then get the eff out, I want to separate.

I was hospitalized 2 days after dday in an inpatient mental health facility for 1 week bc of suicidal ideation. As of last week, I have decided to take FMLA from my very good job to try to pull myself together.

Meanwhile, my family has abandoned me (mother, father, brother, sister) bc of my suicidal ideation. They think I am neglecting my children bc of my state (which is not entirely untrue). IC therapist says I was raised by narcissists.

WH is definitely trying to make amends - being transparent, scheduling the MC, etc. But I am thinking he is just scared shitless of losing my $$, his health benefits, etc. (my job provides those things).

Well, that's it in a nutshell. Off I go to another IC apptmt & I look forward to feedback from THE CLUB.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 5/1/2013 10:10 AM


Ugh, gspice.

The loss of support from such important close people is so hard. 2 years out am still feeling that impact, including neighbors. Have gotten where I can't stand the disrespect from anyone in any way in any shape.

This stuff is about a world that these others can't fathom til they go thru it themselves and you have to only talk to people you feel safe with.

Stay with SI and it will be your lifeline.

Prayers and hugs.

gspiceneg6 posted 5/1/2013 13:25 PM

Thanks thinkingtoomuch :)

Sal1995 posted 5/1/2013 13:33 PM

Sorry you're hear gspice, but welcome to the club.

"I waffle back & forth to the extreme - hysterical bonding then get the eff out, I want to separate."

Sounds normal to me. But nothing feels normal when you're in this state.

"Some TT going on."

Sadly, that's normal also.

"WH is definitely trying to make amends - being transparent, scheduling the MC, etc. But I am thinking he is just scared shitless of losing my $$, his health benefits, etc. (my job provides those things)."

I feel the same way. It's hard to know what to trust. I'm on day 73 and still trying to figure out what my wife's true feelings and intentions are. Time will tell I guess.

My response wasn't much help, but just wanted you to know that what you are experiencing is par for the course. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:34 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 13:36 PM

Sorry you are here - we are but please know this is a safe place to ask anything. Vent, cry, be rational or irrational - all NORMAL and okay

First I want to say - everyone in your life will have an opinion/judgement.

I confided to only a handful of people and some I am glad I did bc I needed support others I wish to hell I hadn't because they only caused me MORE pain.

I had similar feelings that you did. Do not beat yourself up over these. Your whole world has been rocked, blown up. Look up PTSS - because you are in shock.

I am so glad you are in IC - mine helped tremendously.

You have been hurt beyond comprehension and we all heal differently. It is all so new. Don't try to fast track your healing bc it will come back and bite you in the ass. (Speaking from experience)

I thought if I could will us being okay then it would be so. NOT so. My suppressed feelings came out via triggers and were UGLY.

Your H also needs IC to understand why he made the conscience choice to cheat. If he doesn't get to the core of this it is most likely he will do it again.

Stay strong ( as hard as that is ) and know we are all here for you.

Praying for a better tomorrow for you.

OneFootForward posted 5/1/2013 13:37 PM

I can barely contain the pain of a 4 month A, let alone years and years. I could not begin to comprehend giving advice from such a situation.

I pray the IC can give you some measure of peace. Know that you are not alone in this kind of pain. You have a dedicated ear to people who understand your suffering and will not abandoned you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Skan posted 5/1/2013 19:20 PM

Welcome, even though I know that you don't want to be here any more than any of the rest of us really do (said with a rueful grin). I'm glad that you found us.

Listen. This is crazy-making stuff. The person that you trusted most in the world to have your back and be there for you, has essentially just shot you through the heart and left you to bleed out on the ground. That's what it feels like. That's what it's like. I'm glad that you're getting professional help. We're here for that not so professional but been there, done that, help.

First off, have you taken a look at the upper left corner, in the yellow box? Click on The Healing Library there. It's full of very useful articles from old timers. Anything posted on this forum that has a red bulls-eye on it is also valuable. Please start reading it will be helpful to you.

And come back often for support. (((hugs)))

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