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RoadtoPeace posted 5/1/2013 09:40 AM

First I want to thank all those who post on SI, I have turned often to this site for the various perspectives that could only come from someone who has gone through it as well.

I have been married to by H for 5 1/2 years - mostly happy although signs of narcissism were there. About 3 years ago, I suspected H may be cheating and so I found a way to read his email. I found lots of very flirtatious emails with various emails, some hinting a possible PA. I confronted him while on vacation visiting my parents. He went back to our home and waited until I returned a month later. He denied any PA occurred and blamed his need for admiration and his ego for his "flirting" with women. He promised to be "the best husband ever" and that he would work hard to earn my trust and respect back. I decided to give him a second chance. I suggested counseling but he refused. I am not sure why I did not insist.

Over the last few years, there were no clear signs of cheating but there were times when his actions and words did not match. Such as saying he was out with a friend then discovering that friend was out of town. Fast forward to last month when I decided once again to "check up" and discovered a very similar pattern of emails/texts to multiple women with one very clear date at a local hotel. Once confronted, all the same promises from three years ago came from his mouth. Although now he says he wants to go to counseling, stopped drinking altogether, started regular worship.

The decision to end this marriage came a week later when I got over the shock and realized that he had made the choice to continue with his affairs knowing the devastation he caused me. And that he had no problem lying again and again. The trust and respect is gone – two basic requirements in any marriage.
I asked for a divorce two times over the past few weeks and both times he convinced me to rethink it after crying and begging me for another chance. I asked him to move out a few nights ago to give me the space needed. He reluctantly agreed. I am now trying to figure out not whether to end it, but how and when to let him know. I don’t want to keep him hanging on false hopes. I am so sad because I do love this man and thought that we would grow old together.

tushnurse posted 5/1/2013 11:21 AM

(((Road)))

Who knows what life has in store for us. I wish you much strength, and peace.

RoadtoPeace posted 5/1/2013 12:21 PM

Thanks Tushnurse. I keep telling myself there is something good that will come out of this :-)

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 13:15 PM

Road

First - (((hugs)))

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and saying I deserve better than your lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish ass.

I understand you love him. You have both an emotional and physical investment in him.

He will NOT change unless he has to. You forgave him before which as we all know is the ultimate selfless gift a BS can give.

What did he do with that gift? He disregarded it and continued to do what HE wanted knowing how much he hurt you before. Unacceptable on every level.

If you forgive him this time why would it be different than last?

He is scared (as I am sure you are and rightfully so) but is he truly remorseful? Why wasn't he remorseful before?

You do not have to make any decision today, tomorrow or next week. He didn't ask your permission when cheating.

Consult an attorney so you know your options ( knowledge is power ) and explain to your H that you need time and space.

See what his actions are.

His choice to cheat is his issue. IC for him and you are recommended to see where you both are.

You cannot heal him but you can begin to heal yourself.

Care about you first right now because he certainly has put himself first for a long time.

Wishing you strength, courage and clarity. We are all here for you.

papoula posted 5/1/2013 13:31 PM

I'm very proud of you too and you should be very proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.
I am going to the same situation, cheating, lies and disrespect.
I agree with what was said, that you don't need to make any decisions today. I keep telling this to myself several times a day because isn't easy.
Take your time to process everything and grief. If you need time and space away from him do so. If you want to be away from him and you can ask him to leave or if you can leave yourself. Tell him that you need some time to process things.

RoadtoPeace posted 5/1/2013 14:44 PM

Thanks 1faith - your points have all be running through my mind since Dday#2. Having him out of the house has helped me think clearly without his presence - and every day gets me stronger and more confident.

Papoula - Hugs to you as well. We do have this need to "just do something" in order not to feel helpless. But time and peace goes a long way to bring clarity.