SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My gut has been screaming at me for a few months now. So, about a week ago, I checked his call log, and found a number that he texts daily. Obsessively is seemed. My cousin called it, no answer, so my cousin texted it, got a response, but we couldn’t get a name (my cousin was just acting like she had the wrong number). I did some more digging, I wanted to see how far back this number went in his call log. The first appearance was on 2/14. And has been daily since. Each billing cycle would show 3-4 pages of texts. I can’t see how many texts are to me though since we are both iphone users, and apparent those do not show up.
So, last night, I finally snatched his phone while he was sleeping. Her number was in there, but it was not saved to his phone. At first glance, I thought I was crazy…it seemed so innocent. Apparently, they have a class together. He tutors science, and she tutors as well. It all seemed like the texts were strictly about class, and studying, and exchanging information regarding tests. When I went to lay down, I still had that nagging feeling, so I got up and grabbed his phone again. I looked through his pictures, nothing. I checked his email, thinking that there HAD to be another email address that I was no aware of…nothing. So, I went back in to the text to this girl. I scrolled all the way to the beginning, in Feb. It all started out innocently enough. Then, my gut feeling was put to rest. A couple examples of what I found:

Her: Hey, can I steal you Wednesday night to study?
Him: Depends…what are you going to do with me after?
Her: After much consideration on how to respond to that text, I’ve decided to keep my response professional. After MCAT, then we can discuss something more “unprofessional”.

Her: Thank you for studying and making me laugh. I really needed it.
Him: You’re welcome. I love to see your smile.

Her: Good luck today! If I was there, I would give you a big ol’ bear hug?
Him: Thank you! That last hug was pretty nice.

Him: So the professor gave you a compliment. He told me he noticed how sexy you are. I told him I noticed a long time ago.
Her: Oh wow, that is a compliment! I guess he thinks I have confidence, but you know me better, so no fooling you.
Him: Confidence is such a sexy thing, don’t you think?

He calls her Bonita. I can’t remember the last time he told me I was beautiful. She has picked him up from my house. She thinks he is single, because she asked him about his visitation with his princess.

I am sick. I do not know how to confront. He will deny deny deny. I looked her up…I have her email address. She is very “exotic” looking. A pretty girl. Kind of like Salma Hayek-y.

Reading your post brought back the feelings of shock and disbelief I had when I found the text messages my cheating pig husband sent his skanky girlfriend. I only read one string, but found out when the affair started, that she has a beautiful body, that he loves her, that his "alone" (the way he referred to his life with me, pig) time would soon be over. I confronted him as soon as he came back home and now wish I had lined up my ducks better. My son went after him when he got home and I grabbed him around the waist so he would not hit him. I didn't want any legal problems but sort of wished my son had beat the crap out of him.

Looking back, I would not have left the house when he asked me to. I wished I had waited a day (this was on a Sunday), when he left for work, change all the locks on the house. I wish I had stayed in the house as I really miss my home. Although the house is in his name only, so I don't know if I had any legal rights to the house but at least I would still be in the house, the home I have known for 6 years and been able to enjoy my garden (that I just finished redesigning when I found out about the cheating) this spring.

Contact an attorney and follow their advice.

When I confronted him (asked him who Laurie Parker was), he had the poker face on. Never admitted to the affair, but told me he wanted a divorce. No remorse, no apologies. Just cold and calculating. I was completely devastated, as I am sure you are as well.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hell.

Please take care of yourself. For me, this came as a total shock, had no idea the affair was going on. I was crushed, felt like I had been hit by a mack truck going 100 MPH.

Rely on the support of friends and family, post here often. Take care of yourself physically. I wasn't able to eat much, drank a lot of hot tea, oatmeal and bananas. Those were the things I could get down. Still have trouble sleeping.

It's been a little over 5 months since I found out. It's been hard.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I have been exactly where you are so I know how sickening it is to discover such texts.

Before you react, you need to process what you have just learned and ask yourself what next. I made the mistake of rushing to confront my H without thinking through how I would react to his denials or his promises to rectify the situation.

I was in a similar situation, but did not know if OW knew he was married. When she had instant messaged him asking why he hasn't responded to her, I replied back as him saying he was running errands with the wife and kid. Her response? Fine, leave me and be with them. So she knew, which changed things in my mind. I printed everything off and confronted then. He still denied it, lol.

It may be best to email her first. See what she says. Then use that to confront him. If she's not the average skank, she should be horrified and pissed he lied. Sorry you are going through this, make sure to take care of yourself and use this site as a wonderful resource of people who have been there.

Mandilewen, I was THIS CLOSE to texting her as him. I was thinking of texting something like "Hey Babe, I'm on my way home, leave the top lock unlocked" or something along those lines, just to see how she would respond to that "accidental" text.

Instead, I started following her on Pinterest, and my picture is a VERY clean picture of him hugging me. So, we shall see if she notices...

Dawn and Road, we aren't married. In fact, this is my second time down this road with him. the first time, he left me when I was pregnant to be with his OW. Stupid me, I forgave him and let him back in. I'm hurt, but not devastated like I was the first time. Luckily, I didn't let myself love him hard like I did the first time.

Is there such thing as a faithful relationship? I don't think I could ever give another man 100% of me. I have been so good to him for the past 13-14 years...That means nothing.

(((Foolme)))

That is painful. BTDT. My H broke NC multiple times intially, and a keylogger was what finally helped me nail him to the wall.

Take some time, to get organized, see a lawyer find out what your rights are.
Document things you see, and find. Take pics of the texts, or forward them to yourself.

Even in "no fault" states it's good to have things that put them in a bad light.

Try to 180 as much as possible for your own sanity. Don't let on you know if you can help it. When you feel you have things in order, then politely ask him to leave. You know he's still disrespecting you and behaving badly.

If you want to R, I still recommend the above step. It gives you control and will frequently knock the wayward out of their fog. Know what your conditions are for R. Be very clear and have consequences of not following through, and stick to them. This is for your own sanity.

Right now you have the upper hand, and have the right to demand anything you want.

((((and strength))))

If OW thinks he is single and has visitation rights with his child, you need to contact her and set the record straight. Don't pussy foot around with Pinterest stalking. If he lies and tells her you are his crazy ex, she will believe it. Be honest, forthright and succinct. Out him to OW. Do it now.

Keep in mind your WS is deceiving her just like he is deceiving you. You both believed you were in an exclusive relationship. She may be an unexpected allie. Or she may decide to pursue the relationship with your WS. Either way, you will know what you are dealing with.

After that, you need to decide what you will and will not accept in a relationship.

(((foolme1)))

I didn't get pictures of the texts. I thought about it, but for some reason, maybe nerves, I didn't get pictures. I guess in my mind, I know what I saw, and its a dealbreaker for me.

I just need the strength to ask him to leave. He is the father of my daughter, who worships her daddy. she will be devastated. that is the hardest part....

Well Foolme, you gave the guy TWO chances, and he shit on both of them. You can't say you didn't try for the sake of your daughter.

As my parting gift to this Neanderthal, I'd make SURE to expose him to this woman to whom he's been lying and conning. She's as innocent as you are because the gravy-sucking pig has been lying to her on a daily basis, claiming to be available when he's clearly not. So she NEEDS to know the truth. If a man were duping ME, I'd sure appreciate someone letting me know about it if they had this knowledge. So from an ethical standpoint, it would be the proper thing to do.

Of course, the added bonus to that is watching your boyfriend crash and burn when she dumps him, telling him what a lying d-bag he is. Gotta love that karma.

Be good to yourself, Foolme.

Emotions are a hard thing to keep at bay, especially through betrayal.

I showed much more of my hand than I wished I had but the rage took over and out came the Tasmanian Devil.

IF you can collect your thoughts and get as much documentation together the better but either way be prepared for denial, lies and blame.

Human reaction will be to get defensive, make excuses and blame place.

My hope for you is to STAND your ground. His words are his words. He will most likely try to justify them. Remember there is no justification for cheating. Own up, man up and be honest.

I wouldn't assume the ow is innocent. She may be but there are plenty out there who willing go after married men bc of their own messed up psychosis.

It is all so so so new. You don't have to make any decisions now but please define your boundaries. What are you willing to tolerate going forward and what aren't you?

This will send a message that his behaviors going forward are unacceptable and the consequences can be the end of your relationship.

Be strong. Love yourself and keep moving. We are here for you.

Good luck

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:33 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

I understand how you feel completely! At the very least he is deep in an EA- even if nothing physical has happened yet... and the key is YET! An EA is just a PA in the making

Like you I had the gut feeling.... and the emails told it all.... my H also called the OW 'beautiful' and 'sexy' and 'smokin hot'.... it still bothers me to this day. My H and I are reconciled in general, however, I feel something is still not quite right... not sure if it's the hours he is working or if it's more.... but I cannot remember the last time he said I was beautiful... or the last time he held my hand I miss all those little things right now.
As someone who has been there... investigate a bit more.... but don't wait too long of it will be the PA you worry about for sure.

EA or PA are affairs

Your spouse is betraying you for someone else. Period.

Thank you for all of the responses. I have not confronted yet. I spoke with my best friend, and she thinks that what he "expects" of me when/if I find out is for me to go batshit crazy. She agrees that I need time to process all of this, and confront him in a calm and collected manner. Like a business meeting. This is what I have found. This is why you have to leave. You have two weeks to get your things together and find a place to live. She believe that this will have the most impact .

I agree for two reasons. Every other time I "suspected" something, I immediately went crazy on him, dramatically kicking him out, only to second guess myself the next day and rug sweep. And two, he knows how to play me. He's manipulative. He says I'm so predictable. I just want to go about this in a different way. He needs to know I'm serious. I'm done. And any manipulative tactics are a waste of time. I'm thinking I should have taken pictures of the damn texts now. That part of my brain is tying to convince me that I am overreacting. But I know I am not. He has bad intentions. I will not be talked out of this

When I took him back, I told him what my dealbreakers were. This was number one. Sweet, caring foolme is going to have to sit back an enjoy the show because I'm not giving in or readjusting my dealbreakers to please him.

I was strangely calm when I gave my WH 24 hours to make a decision.

He pretended nothing was going on w her, so I wish I had some documentation at that time.

Anyway, he denied everything so I secretly went to an Atty to find out my rights.

In hindsite, I should have gone to the atty, THEN confronted him. I think it would have smacked him harder and maybe he would have come out of the fog.

I read the first couple of chapters in Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He agrees with most everything on here. He says a blowout is better than a small leak when it comes to hitting them with reality (atty, they have to leave,
180, calm, but direct confrontation, etc). This type of person has to "see" their consequenses.

My H wanted to come back but I was so strong after reading just 2 chapters in that book, I said he could come back ONLY with MC. I guess MC was too much to ask of a father and husband, it was easier to go be with OW than have an authentic life.

Last night, I took his phone again, and I took pictures of a few of the texts. My mind was already trying to convince me that surely the man I love didn’t ACTUALLY mean what I think he meant in his texts. Maybe I took the tone wrong. Then reality set in and I realized this was just me trying to justify it all. So, I took pictures so I could see it whenever I started to doubt myself. OF course, there were more texts. She wanted to know if he would meet her last night to study for chemistry. He said he couldn’t he was busy with a project. She said she really needed his help with this chemistry, she doesn’t know how she will pass, blah blah blah. He responded again that he was really busy, and he couldn’t. She said she was sorry, she realized she was being a crazy stalker. He said crazy stalker isn’t always a bad thing. Then, I took pictures of the rest of the text:

Her: Yes, maybe :) but I realize you have a life outside of chem, and I was just thinking that perhaps I was being selfish. .so I thought I would just let u know that I appreciate you  and your brain. Your ass is pretty nice too hahahaha. I figured I would throw that out there seeing as friend already publicized catching my wandering eye ha! Ill holla at u Fri eve.

He never responded to that. This girl…is desperate. Trying so hard. And sadly, my stbx will fall for it. Given the opportunity, he will fall for it. I need to confront. He will straight up refuse to move out of the house. I don’t want police involved. I don’t want the drama. I want to keep a professional friendly relationship for dd. I don’t care who he is with, I don’t care anymore. I just want my dd’s father to be in her life, not mine.

[This message edited by Foolme1 at 10:39 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

When you are ready to confront, think of sending her a text right after making sure she knew that he was in a relationship. That is what I would do, but it might be wrong.

You are doing great. Are you in a common-law state? Have you filed for child support?