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EmotionalFool posted 5/1/2013 09:57 AM

I am not sure if you have been following CL's post.. Next week his sister is getting married at the same place we did.. same rituals .. same people .. its the affair season and our 2nd wedding anniversary is in June .. Its like putting every worst possible scenario together and multiplying it with million

Anyways CL had suggested that I shouldnt join him and we had a last minute alibi in place...

I had my insecurities surrounding it and I was working on sorting them out .. I din want to flounder at the last min when it really mattered.. I talked to CL.. my IC.. SI friends and my school friend ..

So my main aim was to get through yesterday and today without breaking down or crying or obsessing or making CL feel guilty .. i think I succeeded to a great extent..

We according to our plan, called yest morning informing my absence.. We had thought about possible loopholes and answers ready in place for them ...
but our plan totally failed My in-laws and SIL were very sad that I wasnt gonna join .. they said that i was the important part of family .. They went out of their way to make sure i was able to come for the wedding .. even for only the wedding day .. We had no idea about the solutions they could come up with .. Anyways whole family was very upset.. in the end CL said "My whole purpose was not to spoil the wedding .. if ur absence is spoiling it then you should be there".. My parents were worried .. they kept telling me to make sure CL left and asked me to take care of my own issues ..SO basically everybody again got together to solve my imaginary problem that we had created ..

I kept my cool till CL left .. He was oscillating between sadness.. helplessness.. anger.. and lot other emotions .. so once again he has kept himself aside for the family ... All I could do was to maintain my calm and talk to him.

I am very overwhelmed with love and support all that was around me .. and all that I chose to throw away ..

I have a lot more to write about ..I am feeling very overwhelmed n will come back about how I feel about all this

But right now I need more help and input here:

I know its gonna be hard like hell for CL.. what I should do that would help him? Both of us were working towards me not going .. and suddenly it changed.. we din really get a chance to discuss how we will handle if I happen to go..

solus sto posted 5/1/2013 12:00 PM

It's a shame you could not stick to the plan. Validation by the family is not nearly as important as CL feeling safe and avoiding as many triggers as possible.

Yes, he did say that you should go, after all. But he was backed into a corner.

Perhaps it would be best for you to take the reins, and tell him you want to stick to the original plan---then stick to your guns with his family.

At this point, I think it's time---perhaps after the wedding--to quietly let your families know the truth of what is going on. Not necessarily in great detail, but with enough honesty that CL will not again find himself cornered in this way.

I have two sisters who are BSs, and I am, too. My mother is no longer alive, and I am estranged from my personality-disordered father, so neither learned of my husband's infidelity or our separation. They did, however, learn of my BIL's infidelities. They were VERY supportive of my sisters and BILs. One immediately wanted to R, and they could not have possibly received more support from the family. (I was a young teen, and babysat for my nephew when they went to MC, even.) The other was not sure about R; her husband more blatantly cheated, left for OW, etc. My parents were financially supportive when he bailed (including providing an attorney's retainer), but---here's the thing: they were also COMPLETELY supportive when my sister chose to R.

When my husband cheated, I didn't tell anyone until separation was imminent. My sisters were SO sad I hadn't told them. (I didn't want to trigger them.) They really wished they had known to offer support. When a reconciliation attempt (after separation, when he "came home") failed VERY rapidly, they were also very supportive.

Really, they all just wanted me to be happy.

I think it's probably reasonable to believe that CL's family and yours would want YOU to be happy, as well.

If you were to tell them, then the pressure to attend festivities with which you are not comfortable would ease.

I know it's late to let people know, in light of the imminent nuptials; you don't want to cast a pall on them.

But after the wedding, it's time to be authentic. Don't you think? In this revelation, I would be sure to let your families know that when you opt out of activities, it is because you and CL have carefully made the decision together---and that they don't need to find solutions for you.

I don't know how to help CL at this point. He was so guilt-ridden about feeling BETTER with the prospect of your absence at the wedding. He was very conflicted---but ultimately knew he could not handle it, emotionally, otherwise. And now you are going.

I guess I would give the advice I'd give anyone: be sensitive to triggers. Step outside yourself and think of your BS. Anticipate problems before they occur and, whenever possible, steer yourselves away from them.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 5/1/2013 12:08 PM

As much as family is important, the most important people in your relationship are you & CL. That's it. You need to do what is best for the two of you.

I agree, he was backed into a corner. And I agree that your families need to be told what is going on - You might be surprised at the support you get as you try to work through everything.

Gently - lying is never a good way to handle a problem. Honesty - even without divulging the whole scope of the matter - will get your further every time. I know, too late to unring that bell; but think about it in the future.

I hope you can make a decision that both you & CL feel good about. Family will understand eventually if they are given a chance to help you in this journey.

tired girl posted 5/1/2013 12:21 PM

I agree with Solus on this. I think it is time for you to take the reins on this and support your H's original wishes that you not go and be firm. What is best for him right now is what is important. You did what you wanted for the majority of the M, it is time to put what he needs first. Back up your H, show him that you can put him first.JMHO.

EmotionalFool posted 5/1/2013 12:22 PM

Yeah I know. I tried my level best to work through it and sort my feelings on my own. (and not make him feel guilty) My only focus was next yesterday and next 15 days..

we did think the plan would work.. and we had discussed the loopholes which we could think of and how to cover them .. but situation went out of hand ..

We did try to make through it and avoid me going .. but ultimately couldnt I was holding up and keeping my calm till the time he left..

I still havent booked my tickets yet .. I am thinking of a way to get out of this but cant

EmotionalFool posted 5/1/2013 12:55 PM

You did what you wanted for the majority of the M, it is time to put what he needs first.

After letting our families know that I wasnt coming my In-laws and SIL were upset and their only focus was how to get me there My MIL said I was her another daughter and couldnt complete the wedding without me In the end CL said the reason he din wanna take me was he wanted the wedding to be smooth .. so he said if everybody keeps focusing on me not being there and upset about it then thats not what he wants..

He was planning to book my tickets yesterday itself but I suggested he should just get through yesterday and fly today. Just reach there and then think.

Honestly I did want to go.. and I still want to go .. But I din want him to be cornered like this This whole situation sucks .. he doesnt deserve all this shit..

He needs the wedding to be smooth.. and thats my focus too.. for that he says I should come ..

I was very careful with not influencing his decision.. my whole take was he tells me what to do and I support him..

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 1:08 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

heartache101 posted 5/1/2013 23:17 PM

Maybe you can reconnect while there?
Maybe sneak off and resay your vows together?
Make it a positive event.

solus sto posted 5/2/2013 00:24 AM

Time to reconnect, in small ways, would be lovely, if CL isn't overwrought with the effort of simply holding himself together. Renewing vows seems remarkably premature, though; that's not something I'd recommend.

You've listed all the ways you couldn't get out of going (though you didn't really want to miss the wedding, and have gotten what you want, even knowing it will cause CL pain). But really, you could have stuck to your guns. Or, when pressured, you could have said, "As we've alluded to, we're having difficulties; we will talk more after the wedding, because we want it to be joyous, and it's a serious situation. For now, just know that our decision for me to stay home is intended both to preserve the joy of the wedding and to spare CL pain he does not deserve."

One way you could help protect CL from being backed into situations that cause him pain is to be honest with others in your life, moving forward. Is that something you're willing to do? Are you willing to let go of outcome (what others think, whether R will occur, etc), and simply do the right thing because it's right?

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:24 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

CrappyLife posted 5/2/2013 05:16 AM

Hello All,

Thanks for all your help. Just thought I will chime in with a small update from my side. I think you deserve to know since you all have so gracefully helped.

I was sure that we will not say anything at all before my sister's wedding. Keeping that in mind, we came up with what we thought was the best alibi. Possibly the only one. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), my parents like her a lot and were highly disappointed that she 'might' not come. They did everything they could to make sure EF could come. Things got out of hand for us and other people also got involved at the behest of my parents within a matter of a few hours.

By yesterday morning when I was to leave, it was clear that our lie would be found out if we did not nip the lie in the bud. It would be highly embarrassing if the lie was found out. Also that my parents will not give up hope and keep on trying until the day of the wedding. This would just spoil the whole prelude to the wedding day. So, I came up with another lie to calm everybody and make sure that they do not put any further effort in EF coming there. That we had things in control and that it whatever problem (alibi) had cropped up will be solved in a couple of days.

The alibi failed miserably, the second lie turned out to be a master-stroke. It sucks and I dont know what to make of it. Anyways, she is now coming and whatever happens, I will face it, hopefully with a smile. Strangely, since I decided that she will come, I also feel a sense of calm and a sense of purpose.

Got to do what makes my family get through the wedding without other things playing on their mind. I dont want to think about what to do after the wedding and I hope I just get through the wedding with my sanity intact.

All in all, the whole situation was not in my control, but with regards to EF, it was under control. She was by my side and just following my lead, which I kinda expected her to do.

Though I was just wondering through the 24 hours how EF got through years of lying and living under false pretences. Are waywards that strong to get through lying or just highly delusional?

Thanks again for your concern.

authenticnow posted 5/2/2013 05:31 AM

IMO, in situations like this it's okay to say, 'We are having some problems that we are working on' and say no more. I feel that it's important not to involve everybody in the nitty gritty of what's going on. That gets too distracting, with too many opinions from highly emotionally invested people who aren't in the situation.

In this specific situation (the wedding), I think it's important to place these boundaries around the marriage and be there for your family in support and celebration as best as you can.

(Not sure if that was helpful, I am having trouble articulating my thoughts this morning!)

Lucky2HaveMe posted 5/2/2013 06:19 AM

the second lie turned out to be a master-stroke.

Gently, to both of you - It's time to stop lying. Nothing healthy comes out of a life built on lies - if/when your family finds out what is going on, they will be hurt by the lies as well.

I understand it's a difficult situation with a family wedding, but there are better ways to cope than to weave a web of lies that will come crashing down... eventually.

Time to live an authentic life... now.

authenticnow posted 5/2/2013 06:22 AM


CrappyLife posted 5/2/2013 06:53 AM

L2HM, AN - what both of you are saying is true and what I was also telling myself before. But, this whole alibi thing (which seemed reasonable to me) came crashing down like a pack of cards.

'We are having some problems that we are working on'

This worked the last time around when we came for my sister's engagement. We were clearly having issues and the parents backed off. There is absolutely no way anything will justify her not coming to the wedding except the ugly truth of infidelity. The above line will not fly and they will not stop thinking and asking.

I know that I had contemplated this for more than a month (saying the lie/alibi) and prepared for it, but it was just not enough. So, I got out of that web of lie. Now, with her coming, it is not telling the truth which in a way is also a lie. But, the complete truth will only make matters worse right now for the impeding wedding.

I am not sure if I am correct, but I just went on with my gut feeling on this one to let her come to the wedding. I just feel like keeping the family before myself in this case and let the wedding pass without incident. Personally, I am at a point where I can tell my family the truth. There is no good time to reveal such things, but if they were to find out now, it could not have come at a worse time.

solus sto posted 5/2/2013 18:05 PM

I think, CL, you underestimate those who love you. I completely understand this, as I did so myself. They want you to be happy. To feel safe. To feel loved. They are there to wrap you up in love.

But you won't let them.

Making up excuses enables continued dishonesty. It protects no one. In fact, it has the potential of really hurting your family.

Will dishonesty make for a nicer wedding? Perhaps, in the short term. When the truth is known, people will know that you lied---at the bride's expense, at the groom's expense, and at your family's expense. All when, in fact, a simple and firm, "We have chosen not to attend together"---with NO further explanation required--would likely have done the trick.

You don't have to share gory details. As long as R is a possibility, I would not. But you can and should stand up for yourself.

I would also suggest that you stop looking to your extended family as people from whom you require permission to make decisions that are right for you. You KNEW what you wanted and needed. You were bullied, and now are pretending it's okay when I'd wager it's anything but okay.

It hurts you. It hurts EF. And it has the potential to damage your relationships with the people you are looking to for guidance and support.

Tell the truth. Expect nothing less of yourself than you expect of others.

I wish you nothing but good things--and hope the wedding is peaceful and healing.

Please--if it's not, carve out some space for yourself, and GUARD it. YOU are worth care and consideration every bit as much as anyone else is.

caspers1wish posted 5/3/2013 22:49 PM

I think you guys mentioned you are Indian? I know, from a few friends who are Indian, that the parents are pretty nosy, insistent, bossy, and just all up in your business all the time. I can understand why you wouldn't want to tell them, especially if this was a love match vs. a match they made for you, they'll likely throw it in both your faces the mistakes you've made, forever. So I think there is a cultural barrier that is underestimated and really how much lying is done just to save yourself some grief, a lot of grief, actually.

I think EF really should have questioned her motives for wanting to go when it really bothered CL. You won't want to be there when they find out the truth and they certainly aren't going to want you there. I think you would have been better off just backing CL up in his decision. A firm "I really can't make it, so sorry, wish I could be there," and bearing their disappointment I think might be better than bearing the disappointment they will exhibit when they find out you're a cheater. Maybe, they won't be like that, I don't know.

But you guys are already there (I think) and nothing can be done about it now. I hope that you both can have a relaxed time with minimal pain and triggers.

authenticnow posted 5/4/2013 11:31 AM


Please note the following guideline.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment.

Thank you.

caspers1wish posted 5/4/2013 14:14 PM

I wasn't trying to put their race down or generalize about being Indian, but empathize with their need to have an "alibi."

My apologies.

Darkness Falls posted 5/4/2013 14:37 PM

So I think there is a cultural barrier that is underestimated and really how much lying is done just to save yourself some grief, a lot of grief, actually.

I agree with this.

EF and CL, I'm sorry this has turned into such a hard situation thereby compounding an already awful one.

I hope the wedding weekend goes peacefully and without too many triggers.

Dark Inertia posted 5/4/2013 23:42 PM

Good luck, guys.

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