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Can't seem to function today

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savvy posted 5/1/2013 11:42 AM

I am so exhausted! I can't stop crying and shaking. How much longer can I do this the pain is unbearable. I am so ready to curl up and never get up again. Can't seem to break off contact, it's actually impossible since we have to be in contact daily for business reasons. I can't let business fail it where my income comes from. I am so scared for the future, I get too hopeful that things will work out but then I am sure they won't. I cant concentrate on a biology test I have tonight. I am so alone, have family who is supportive but they have their own lives. My children are away at school I miss them terrible. This is such a hard day I can't get my mind off it all and no one around to talk with. I am trying so hard to hide how upset I am while at work so our employees don't know, its so hard. I am rambling so sorry just need to talk to someone. slept good because of Xanax last night but just dreamed of them together , how do I go on I feel like this will never get better
So lost

gspiceneg6 posted 5/1/2013 11:56 AM

You're doing better than me. I've more or less functioned at work since dday (4/2/13) until this week. Now I'm digging myself another hole that I'll have to find my way out.

Probably not much consolation, but the fact that you are at least going thru the motions of what you have to do is admirable to me.

[This message edited by gspiceneg6 at 12:22 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Darkonius posted 5/1/2013 12:14 PM

I am in the middle of one of those days as well. Sitting at my desk with a mountain of things to get done and I am completely unable to focus on a single thing. I just want to go curl up in the corner and wait for the world to stop turning. But then I get on here and see other people struggling with the same things, and somehow feeling like I am not the only one in the world going through this, makes me feel not so alone and so I am able to get a few productive things done.

savvy posted 5/1/2013 12:24 PM

It does help to know other are out there that understand the level of pain. I wish none of us had to go through this. Now my Wh was just here at work. I hate letting him see me upset. He rubbed my back, that just makes me worse. please let me off this never ending roller-coaster.

OneFootForward posted 5/1/2013 12:43 PM

You are not alone. Yesterday was bad, not sure today is all that much better. I honestly fear the night more than the days, because sleep brings dreams and with the dreams come the nightmares. There is really no place to escape too. No place I been able to find at any rate.

I don't have any encouraging words for you ((savvy)). I don't have any pearls of wisdom. The Lord says He will take care of my needs, not my wants. Maybe this pain I feel is a want, not a need? Maybe out hearts are a crucible, where we must burn off the chaff to get better? And the burn... it hurts so badly. I can only offer a pray that the Lord with give you peace and strength today.

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 12:51 PM

Oh Savvy

It is all so new and raw for you. Please look up in the library the timeline for healing. We all know how bad this hurts. It sucks - no way around it.

After 20 months post DDay I look back and think to myself - how did I make it through?

There were days I would cry all the way to work (45 mins) then sit in the parking garage trying to compose myself for another 30 - only to call in and turn around and drive home. I am amazed I still have my job bc I know at times I was functioning about 40% at best.

Is there ANY way you and WH can be at work at separate times? You need a break.

I am sure your WH wants to console you but unless he's willing to give up OW and work toward R - then I would ask that he not pat you on the back or touch you. That is completely unfair to you and he is also trying to resolve his guilt.

Please see a doctor. You are depressed ( rightfully so ). Take any and all help you can get.

It is not the answer you are looking for but TIME is how this will get better.

You need to allow yourself to feel every emotion and give yourself a break. You are still in shock.

Think about a realistic approach to your work situation. It's not healthy for you to be exposed to him everyday.

Hang in there - post often. We are all here for you.

One day. One success at a time.

Keep moving.


WeepingBuddhist posted 5/1/2013 12:57 PM

Hugs to you. I can't imagine if I had to work with my WH. You must have immense strength!

Conflicted1 posted 5/1/2013 13:00 PM

Savvy good vibes of strength and peace being sent your way. My ability to provide the quality and quantity of work that I normally provide escapes me many days also. Hang in there.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/1/2013 13:23 PM

Having a hard day myself, and yes, it does help to know we aren't alone, but so very sad there is so much pain to be shared. {{HUGS}}

stilltrying2025 posted 5/1/2013 13:58 PM

I feel your pain! I'm 5 months into this and still can't function. Cry daily, obsessed with checking the phone bill (WH is having a EA via text), panic attacks, shaking, freezing cold all the time and wondering what I want to do, how much I can take, how to detach, etc. This isn't our fault so why should we hurt so badly! Being betrayed, hurt, diappointed and heartbroken are the worst feelings in the world.

savvy posted 5/1/2013 14:51 PM

Thank you all for support. This web site is a God send.
I wish there was a way to not see him at work, one consolation is he isn't there all the time as he and his father own another business that he is usually at, he just pops into our store every few hours. I guess I could ask him to not come in if he sees my car there. Trouble is I am having a hard time with not wanting to see him also, it seems like when I am at work I want him to show up, but then it just hurts. I need to tell him I guess to not come while I am there. got to try to pull myself together to get through school tonight

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 15:25 PM

Happy Note

Go kick ass at school tonight - do it for YOU !!

We all believe in you !!!

Jada52 posted 5/1/2013 16:22 PM

I am there too savvy. My heart hurts and I am a crying mess. Trying to get my face cleared up before he gets home. Don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me in this mess.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 5/1/2013 17:02 PM

Even though you don't feel like it, do your hair, put on some make up and pick out some nice clothes to wear.

Looking good on the outside, can make you fee slightly better on the inside. Tell yourself that you deserve better and you WILL get through this. Don't think of his as your husband right now, think of his as the lying, cheating asshole that he his. A thing that disgusts you.

Hard to hold it together I know, and I know you want to fall apart, but give yourself time to do that in the evenings. I even look forward to getting home after putting a brave face on for a while so that I can cry by myself.

kchip posted 5/3/2013 06:21 AM


Am 9 months out from dday and I too was unable to function. Same situation, i have my own business and about 50 employees. Simply put, I couldn't take care of myself those first 2 months and was completely unable to function. So you are normal, so dont let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise.

Take it easy on the xanax and booze. It may provide some relief but can also be dangerous and habit forming. Antidepressants are a must if you cant function. They helped me get off the floor of my house and start moving again. I started walking. The running. Before I knew it, I lost 60lbs. The excersise really really helped me sweep what was left of my self esteem into a pile and glue it back together. It does come back!!!

Its been the worst year of my life, but I am out of the fireball and looking back at that mushroom cloud in my rearview mirror. My marriage and family are over, but I am determined not to let my stbxw's affair define me. My kids are what saved me those early days. I knew I had to survive this for them. Now I do it for me.

This time will pass slowly at first. Agonizingly slow. But the sick feeling in your stomach WILL fade and go away. Believe me, and the others. Hang tough. Cry. But for gods sakes, get moving again. It will get better no matter if your marriage survives or not.

Best wishes..

broken81 posted 5/3/2013 08:10 AM

I am soo much better than i was this time last year. Not "over it" completely but mentally and physically better.
You will get there too, just hold onto that thought.
No matter what happens, all this will fade into something better. (((savvy)))

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