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new_outlook (original poster member #19398) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
Has anybody's older kids (mine are 16 and 19) had difficulty with you dating after the divorce?
The divorce wasn't my choice and after 4 years of "trying to work it out" my ex-WW wanted a divorce. We were separated for the required 1 year and formally divorced in December.
My kids have had a difficult time accepting that I am moving on with my life and have met someone who makes me very happy and have been seriously dating for 9 months. While they politely acknowledge her, they do not want anything to do with her voluntarily (talk of the phone with her, text her, etc...). Has this happened to anyone else?
BS (Me) - 47
STBXWW - 46
Married for 24 years
Together 27 years
2 children (19 and 15)
D-day 3/19/08
Update: Divorced finalized 12/28/12! Yea!
lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 7:50 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
I'm sorry, but your kids weren't given enough time to deal with the divorce and all of the changes to their lives before you brought somebody new into their lives. Honestly, introducing them to somebody already isn't good for them. Did you discuss any of this with them? Ask for their honest input? Regardless of whether you thought you were ready, your kids should have been the priority here. When my son had a difficult time with the idea of me dating, I didn't tell him I was, nor did I introduce him to anybody.
If you aren't already, you may want to consider going to counseling with your kids to address their pain.
No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.
h0peless ( member #36697) posted at 8:09 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
Honestly, why should they text her, talk to her on the phone, etc? I was around the same age when my parents divorced (granted, they were both engaged in affairs at the time and there was a damn good reason for us to resent them) but even today, at age 32, 30, 28 and 26, my siblings and I tolerate their spouses in order to maintain our positive relationship with our parents.
Frankly, politely acknowledging her is the most you should hope for. If she isn't a complete asshole, maybe they will get to genuinely like her someday. The point is, though, that she is your girlfriend, not theirs.
[This message edited by h0peless at 2:11 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
miadianna ( member #10516) posted at 8:39 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
My XH has tried to push the calling, texting, voluntary friendship and it hasn't happened in the 8 years XH has been with OW and it will never happen. It is infuriating and annoying to my children and has alienated them from their father even more than before. As my son said "She is nothing to me. Just some woman my dad had an affair with." I understand you are the BS, but If you are dating her, they really don't have to have any relationship with her, they have a mom and they have their own friends. If they are politely acknowledge her, that's enough.
I hope you spend time with them alone and she is not around all of the time. That is what they really need, time with you and not with you and your special relationship person.
Older kids have enough to deal with. It's a very difficult time for them. I think more difficult than younger children.
Me: BS 60Son: 34years oldDaughter: 32 years old Divorced 4/10/08XH passed away 6/24/16
Weatherly ( member #18222) posted at 8:52 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
Honestly, why should they text her, talk to her on the phone, etc?
this was my question as well. One of them is technically an adult and the other is not far behind.
My husband's father just married his gf of 4 or 5 years. My husband has called/texted/voluntarily hung out with her exactly 0 times in all that time.
Sounds like they are handling another new, big, change very well, in my opinion.
Me-33 ,Two boys, 13 and 14
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
persevere ( member #31468) posted at 10:23 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013
I agree that I think you should take a close look at your expectations in this situation. I have an 18 and 20 year old, and while my kids may meet someone I date at some point, I certainly don't expect anything more than politeness.
Would you expect the kids to bond with a friend who dropped by to hang out and watch a football game with you?
The best you can expect is possibly a very gradual friendship could develop. And that's honestly as it should be. She's not their mom, and you can't expect them to bond in that way with her. The relationship is between the two of you, it really has nothing to do with your kids. As long as everyone is polite to each other, you're good.
This is one of the rough parts of blending families, and it has nothing to do with the infidelity.
[This message edited by persevere at 4:25 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.
timeforchange ( member #27454) posted at 1:10 AM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2013
My dad married his OW in 1989....
I have never texted or called her in all those years!
Was I meant to? oppppsss!
She is his wife... And has never made much effort with me.
I am a positive friendly person.... But don't feel the need to have an individual friendship with her.
Back off and leave the kids be. We have all seen here how WS expect young kids to accept an insta-family .. And how it causes resentment.
Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
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