what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
the twins are only 6 how about we raise them?
[This message edited by sizzle at 2:25 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
And having kids seems to precipitate these kinds of crises. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but glad you're here. If you hang in there and read these posts you'll start to see that a lot of wisdom from a lot of people who have had similar experiences. You'll also hear from waywards from time to time and learn a little more about how they tick.
The healing library has some good info that you might find helpful, including FAQ's that BS' ask WS'. If nothing else it might explain how so much of your wife's destructive behavior was done without apparent guilt or shame. That's something that many of us struggle with.
Is it normal to still have feelings for this person even though she has destroyed me?
In my opinion, YES. She's been your wife for 22 years, after all. If you didn't have feelings, something would be wrong with you. Like many of us, you're mourning the loss of the idealized version of your wife, the girl you married who bore your children. It is an indescribably painful thing to endure, as you well know.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:24 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
You spent 20 years together building upon a loving relationship. You can not more toss that aside than you can toss away your heart. We are emotional creatures. Just because she wounded you deeply does not make the love go away, it just seems to amplify the pain.
Now you know and are trying to do something about it. I am not one to say a marriage is to far gone, but it looks like she threw it out a long time ago. I think the best thing you can do is minimize the amount of pain you and your children are being subjected to.
My first recommendation is get a lawyer. I assume you have done this by now, judging by your post. My second recommendation is see if she wants to R. If she does, get her to write down a timeline of her activities. Tell her you want to know everything. If she does and this does not work out... then you have what she wrote to give to the lawyer. Third, if she is going to throw something... then I hate to say this... but take one for the team. Take the blows and then go to the ER. Tell them it was abuse and you are a battered husband that has had enough. The cops will come. The you have a doctors saying "abused husband" and the cops having a medical report on file. If she does it while she is drunk, then send the cops to the house after. If they can get her red handed, it turns from a simple assault to a domestic with a lot more paperwork. Also, if it goes before a judge and they ask the kids if "Mommy has ever done this before?" and they say yes, it hurts her case even more. The judges are pretty sensitive to this sort of thing and often take the kids in their chambers to discuss it. It is harder to dodge that kind of evidence in court. Really hard.
I'd get up a list of your needs and boundaries for reconciliation if you catch her in a reasonable moment - and I'd consult with an atty. and find out where you stand.
So sorry your are here (so sorry for the kids too)... more hugs.
After reading a lot of posts (yeah, I creep a little around here lately) it seems that a WS can slowly be lead away into a fantasy world with no worries over bills, school, house, kids. And in this fantasy world, WS can have this alter ego so alien to who they have been. I. My WH case, it was almost like while he was in this fog, he could not see anything (me, kids, love, etc) and the more I tried to get him out, the deeper he dug. But only through God's grace I was able to reach him - his true self.
Hang in there. Of course you love her. You love the real her, not this alter egotistical shell she has become. Take care of yourself and your children. Maybe take a restraining order on her or file for separation. See a lawyer. Get your self and your children safe. Then, and only then, try what you can, if you can, and if you want to reconcile.
It means you have been sharing your wife with OM for two yrs without your knowledge and now with your knowledge. They didn't face any consequences yet means you don't have any problem with this arrangement.
Cheating is heinous and disrespectful act towards a BS, Having sex with OM regularly right under the nose of BS is more cruel and utmost disrespect.
Women love men whom they respect, women respect men who respect themselves.
They didn't face any consequences yet means you don't have any problem with this arrangement.
Your last post gave us a lot more information about your situation. It helps to get more details for others to be able to help.
Has divorce been filed? Where are you in the process of the divorce? What is the hold up? Your attorney is giving you solid advice and you have to be legal in whatever you do.
Does her family and friends know?
Kannan's point is as long as she gets to come and go as she pleases or by legal reasons, there is no point in her to move any faster. Unfortunately there is law on her side and she knows it.
Purchase a voice activated recorder. Keep it with you at all times she is around. Although it may not be admissible in court, it may help you in the event she decides to fabricate charges against you. Yes, we have seen it happen many times on this site. An animal cornered will do anything.
I admire your strength in all of this. You are a good father. Please remember you did nothing to deserve this. You are not at fault.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Sorry you find yourself in this position. I really feel for you. My soon to be ex wayward wife (STBXWW) used the midlife crisis excuse along with every possible angle on how I wasn't a good husband to justify her affair. You've got some great advice already, stick to your guns and look into the 180. It is discussed in depth in the Healing Library to the left if you haven't read up on it already.
The selfishness of a wayward spouse knows no limits while actively involved in the affair. Stay strong my friend.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:10 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
You really need to check yourself before writing that stuff. They guy is dealing with some very heart-wrenching things here and your blameshifting diatribe is like kicking the guy while he's down.
it is good for the BH threads in ICR....but not here...not for a new person. I understand it is like a 2x4....but if that was said to me during D-Week....I would crawl through the PC and shank someone