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W of 22 years and 7 children cheats

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sizzle posted 5/1/2013 14:04 PM

I am new and I just read Help123 post and then the follow ups and I already feel better although better is relative.
We have been married 22 years and have 7 children ages 20 thru twin 7 year old boys. 5 boys and 2 girls all of which have been homeschooled since birth.
Two years ago my wife started accusing me of affairs...I gave her my phone records my text records, etc. NO AFFAIRS but the constant accusation continued. I got us both to go to counseling 14 months ago. She didn't like the first so I found a second...she didn't like her so I attempted to get a third that is when she decided to go to beauty school at age 44. She kept saying

what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
I would say well lets see...
the twins are only 6 how about we raise them?
Then her behavior started getting erratic. Would not show up to pick up the children from church, sporting events etc. The about 8 months ago she basically abandoned us every afternoon around 5:00pm until noon the next day. I thought she was just going through the change of life or whatever and was giving her space as she told me she was saying at a female students house she met at beauty school. Listen...I am not an idiot but apparently I wanted my relationship to work so bad that I did not believe what was going on. She filed for divorce a year ago December 2011. I talked her into putting a stay on it continuing to fight for my marriage and my children.
The Lord in His grace allowed me (6 weeks ago) to reboot a broken phone and up pops naked pictures of her and another man. Some of the "clothed" pics had my 14 year old daughter in them so my soon to be Xwife has made my young daughter keep the secret about Mommy's boyfriend for almost 2 years. Just crazy.
I recognized this man as a guy that had recently left our church. After much crying and disbelief I now know she has had an ongoing affair for almost two years with this man. Of course, now she wants me to forgive her and move forward all the while still leaving every afternoon to live with him. I work, school the kids, clean, cook, etc. for all 8 of is the part I do not understand...I still miss her and in a sense love her and frankly am having to guard my heart as she attempts to trap me in back rooms of my house to seduce me. It has been quite maddening. Of course, now I can't get divorced from her fastest enough. I have called the police out twice to my house because she is drunk and screaming and throwing my stuff but the police say that unless she attacks me(which she has over the last 2 years and I did nothing because I did not want the police out at my house in front of my children) that the house is hers too and she can come and go. Just crazy. She continues to accuse me and say well you cheated too. I did not and am so sick of defending myself in a small town. Is it normal to still have feelings for this person even though she has destroyed me? My heart hurts so bad and have never known such pain and deception. She had flowers every week, candy, weekly dates night, weekend getaways and most of all my time. She was my world and I thought I was hers.

[This message edited by sizzle at 2:25 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Sal1995 posted 5/1/2013 14:23 PM

sizzle, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your wife is either in her 40s, or she was when this behavior started. Why female MLC's don't get the attention that male MLC's do is baffling to me, they're just as hellacious for the other spouse.

And having kids seems to precipitate these kinds of crises. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but glad you're here. If you hang in there and read these posts you'll start to see that a lot of wisdom from a lot of people who have had similar experiences. You'll also hear from waywards from time to time and learn a little more about how they tick.

The healing library has some good info that you might find helpful, including FAQ's that BS' ask WS'. If nothing else it might explain how so much of your wife's destructive behavior was done without apparent guilt or shame. That's something that many of us struggle with.

Is it normal to still have feelings for this person even though she has destroyed me?

In my opinion, YES. She's been your wife for 22 years, after all. If you didn't have feelings, something would be wrong with you. Like many of us, you're mourning the loss of the idealized version of your wife, the girl you married who bore your children. It is an indescribably painful thing to endure, as you well know.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:24 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

OneFootForward posted 5/1/2013 14:38 PM

(Blink, Blink) - I guess I should not be amazed at what WS's do.

You spent 20 years together building upon a loving relationship. You can not more toss that aside than you can toss away your heart. We are emotional creatures. Just because she wounded you deeply does not make the love go away, it just seems to amplify the pain.

Now you know and are trying to do something about it. I am not one to say a marriage is to far gone, but it looks like she threw it out a long time ago. I think the best thing you can do is minimize the amount of pain you and your children are being subjected to.

My first recommendation is get a lawyer. I assume you have done this by now, judging by your post. My second recommendation is see if she wants to R. If she does, get her to write down a timeline of her activities. Tell her you want to know everything. If she does and this does not work out... then you have what she wrote to give to the lawyer. Third, if she is going to throw something... then I hate to say this... but take one for the team. Take the blows and then go to the ER. Tell them it was abuse and you are a battered husband that has had enough. The cops will come. The you have a doctors saying "abused husband" and the cops having a medical report on file. If she does it while she is drunk, then send the cops to the house after. If they can get her red handed, it turns from a simple assault to a domestic with a lot more paperwork. Also, if it goes before a judge and they ask the kids if "Mommy has ever done this before?" and they say yes, it hurts her case even more. The judges are pretty sensitive to this sort of thing and often take the kids in their chambers to discuss it. It is harder to dodge that kind of evidence in court. Really hard.

Take2 posted 5/1/2013 15:25 PM

((sizzle)) sounds like she is having a major life meltdown. You can't save her, you can't stop her drinking, you can't control her temper... And - You have to protect yourself and the kids.

I'd get up a list of your needs and boundaries for reconciliation if you catch her in a reasonable moment - and I'd consult with an atty. and find out where you stand.

So sorry your are here (so sorry for the kids too)... more hugs.

LovingFool posted 5/1/2013 17:12 PM

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry that you are going through all this with your WS. As an "approaching" 40 year old homeschooling BS SAHM with 5 kiddos, so I can see you side and a little on your wife's. First, her current behavior is absolutely atrocious, but my WH behavior was too was he was in this fog. I get that she might have been going through some mid-life crisis especially since being a SAHM homeschooling your crew. That is not to say that all such moms feel that way or cope by doing what your wife is doing.

After reading a lot of posts (yeah, I creep a little around here lately) it seems that a WS can slowly be lead away into a fantasy world with no worries over bills, school, house, kids. And in this fantasy world, WS can have this alter ego so alien to who they have been. I. My WH case, it was almost like while he was in this fog, he could not see anything (me, kids, love, etc) and the more I tried to get him out, the deeper he dug. But only through God's grace I was able to reach him - his true self.

Hang in there. Of course you love her. You love the real her, not this alter egotistical shell she has become. Take care of yourself and your children. Maybe take a restraining order on her or file for separation. See a lawyer. Get your self and your children safe. Then, and only then, try what you can, if you can, and if you want to reconcile.

kannan posted 5/2/2013 07:02 AM

She cheated on you for two yrs, she is still cheating and having sex with OM right in front of you and your children. She is using your children to keep her dirty secrets.

It means you have been sharing your wife with OM for two yrs without your knowledge and now with your knowledge. They didn't face any consequences yet means you don't have any problem with this arrangement.

Cheating is heinous and disrespectful act towards a BS, Having sex with OM regularly right under the nose of BS is more cruel and utmost disrespect.

Women love men whom they respect, women respect men who respect themselves.

sizzle posted 5/2/2013 10:14 AM

Thanks for the great input. Good to know I am not alone in this war.
Kanann. I hear what you are saying but I think it quite unfair and frankly pisses me off...

They didn't face any consequences yet means you don't have any problem with this arrangement.

Seems that I was not VERY clear in my first post that I hired an attorney a year and a half ago.
Exactly what do you suggest Kanaan? Easy to make blank statements without offering what it is that I can do to make "them" suffer any consequences? No I really want advice beyond all the things I can't do based on a no fault state?
Here's what I have done. Tried kicking her out...cannot.
I do not the funds to move out and pay for two living facilities.
Cannot take out a restraining order based on my attorney's advice.
Took over all bills, bank accounts, everything. She has not had access to my money or anything else for that matter for months.
What else do you suggest?
Thank you.

HeavyE posted 5/2/2013 11:45 AM

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Your last post gave us a lot more information about your situation. It helps to get more details for others to be able to help.

Has divorce been filed? Where are you in the process of the divorce? What is the hold up? Your attorney is giving you solid advice and you have to be legal in whatever you do.

Does her family and friends know?

Kannan's point is as long as she gets to come and go as she pleases or by legal reasons, there is no point in her to move any faster. Unfortunately there is law on her side and she knows it.

Purchase a voice activated recorder. Keep it with you at all times she is around. Although it may not be admissible in court, it may help you in the event she decides to fabricate charges against you. Yes, we have seen it happen many times on this site. An animal cornered will do anything.

I admire your strength in all of this. You are a good father. Please remember you did nothing to deserve this. You are not at fault.

sizzle posted 5/2/2013 13:49 PM

HeavyE. Thanks for your response. As I mentioned in my first post my wife filed for divorce in December 2011.
Yes we are in mediation now. She refuses to get a job and as of yesterday now looking for a place to live since her boyfriend, apparently, does not want my children there...thank God. The both attorney's and the mediator told her to look for and get a job because as I mentioned again in my first post I cant afford to pay for 2 living facilities. The earliest court date I could get with the judge is in the middle of August.
Yes, now all close friends and family members know she has been cheating however she continues to lie about time frames and how many times, etc. which apparently after reading on this site is common. She has created this whole bogus story line. Just insanity.
She slept in my girls room last night and talked on her phone to the BF for an hour. Major confrontation when she hung up on my part telling her she will not disrespect me and my children by talking to her BF in my house. She blew up saying it was her house too and she can do whatever she wants. Her BF has been divorced 3 times and has been giving her legal advice. haha.
I do not know what to do except keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay out of Jezebels way. Advice anyone?

cissi posted 5/2/2013 14:18 PM

The only advice I have for you is to get that divorce done as quickly as possible and then get her out of your house. She is toxic. Good luck.

Skan posted 5/2/2013 15:41 PM

Whose name is the phone in? Do you own the account? If so, shut it off. Why should you pay for her to speak to her paramour in your child's room!

RyeBread posted 5/2/2013 16:05 PM


Sorry you find yourself in this position. I really feel for you. My soon to be ex wayward wife (STBXWW) used the midlife crisis excuse along with every possible angle on how I wasn't a good husband to justify her affair. You've got some great advice already, stick to your guns and look into the 180. It is discussed in depth in the Healing Library to the left if you haven't read up on it already.

The selfishness of a wayward spouse knows no limits while actively involved in the affair. Stay strong my friend.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:10 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

RyeBread posted 5/2/2013 16:08 PM

sorry for the t/j


You really need to check yourself before writing that stuff. They guy is dealing with some very heart-wrenching things here and your blameshifting diatribe is like kicking the guy while he's down.

end t/j

Long Gone posted 5/3/2013 11:05 AM

it's his M/O.....

it is good for the BH threads in ICR....but not here...not for a new person. I understand it is like a 2x4....but if that was said to me during D-Week....I would crawl through the PC and shank someone

stronger08 posted 5/3/2013 20:02 PM

Bro, Im sorry about what happened. But we have all been there my friend. The advice given here comes from experience. I dont think anyone is trying to slam or belittle you. I was a bit offended my first few posts here. I thought my situation was unique and no one could relate. But thats simply not the case. Most affairs and cheaters suprisingly act the same. You would be surprised at the similarity of most of the stories here. Hence the advice comes from a person who has walked in your shoes. I think what most of the members are saying is that you need to make the A difficult for her. Exposing her dirty little secret is one way. Another is to stop doing things for her. Cut off all financial ties. Pay your bills and make sure the children are taken care of. But no more. Open a seperate bank account and deposit your hard earned money there. Close all joint CC's and cancel her phone if its in your name. If its not dont pay the bill. Right now your holding down the home front all by yourself. Tell her that you need a break as well. Start going out yourself and dont tell her where you are going. Im not saying to go out and cheat. But certainly seeing friends is a good thing. Right now she has the luxury of coming and going as she pleases. That needs to stop. Also you certainly do not need to give her money to go see her OM. If she does not like it tell her to move out. She is testing you right now. And she sees your hurting. She is feeding off that hurt and does what she wants. You need to stop allowing her to do this. Stand up and make it clear you will not allow this to continue. Is there any court order that enforces you to give her any support ? If not your not obligated to until they do. Document everything she does in a notebook. List the dates and times she leaves. List all the fights she starts. The VAR thing is good because if she accuses you of DV it might help. Trust me Ive been there. Keep in mind that it now has to be about you and your kids. she has willingly left the family unit and deserves no financial, emotional or any other form of support from you. Hang in there brother.

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