We are sitting at 6 months that my BH had found out. Its a very strange place to be. Ive read many books , research etc and Im still sitting in a sess pool.
I don't know what is right or wrong. I really know nothing at this point except My BH wants to be with me and says he still loves me.
Ive cheated twice. The first time was back in spring 04. I stopped it and said I never wanted to go back there. I was so happy about it , but I do know nothing was dealt with.
We found out in August the my H and I were pregnant, it was life had a new beginning for us. Iwas so happy. I know part of my thinking before was that my BH had not wanted a family was happy working away, didnt think it was important to call home and I was lonely and wanted and needed more. When I did my pregenancy test I was so afraid to tell him. I thought he would be so upset or even mad. :-( I was so wrong. He was happy, we were happy . Those three four years when we were having our babies , we have two together, were the best I have ever fealt. He was so loving and caring and he has told me he fell in love with me allover again then when he saw our son be born.
I was thrilled, yes life is pretty perfect. I hated him having to work away, Ive been a single mom before and not wanted to be or do that again.
I have fought with depression for life I would think and I was ok with , My kids kept me busy focused on something , our daughter she was sick and I spent many hours and days in the hopsital with her and hours awake by myslef taking care of her and worrying about her.
I know I felt resentful, and I know that he was doing what needed to be done and what I was proud of him for and that was provide for us. He's fantastic that way.
Then our daughter was getting better the kids got a little older and the depression and the negativity of life crept back in. And it kept growing. The stupid thing is i see it now. I felt it then but I would get up and do something and the next day it would be back again. I have no self esteem or self worth. Ive been seeing a IC and see and understand where it comes from, but still. My BH says and had allways said change your thinking.quit being emotional or negative etc. Which I felt was saying your thoughts and feelings not worth anything. I'm at the point where I really have no thoughts I feel the cold slipping back into my veins, to block the pain of who I am and what I've done.
This is where I was last year, I knew desperately last spring i needed help, I knew I needed professional help but I didnt go and get it. I shut down. I grew cold. Uncaring selfishI love my husband. I really cant see my world without him, but I don't deserve him. He's loyal strong and he does love me. I spend many nights crying while he was outside working wondering what was wrong with me why cant I just be happy. I pushed him away i neglected him and rejected him. then I cheated again. not only did I cheat I cheated with a close friend of his . A man who really is a piece of caca. How the hell am I suppose to make up for that , How am I suppose to be a person that can be loved. or who deserve love when i can do that to this man and who loves me.
He says he wants to be with me , that we still have lots of things together, that we did have lots of good in our past. This only makes it worse.
Ive even gone to the extent of giving him hall passes to make up for my A. He thinks it will help. Who knows, does it matter will it?
He still shows me affection and holds me in fact he even comforts me. I try and support him I try and smile for him. I try and tell him what and Why I want to be here too. I just don't know, He's not a talker, he thinks all this stuff talking and reading is other peoples opinions , which yah they are, but there tools for getting better. He's bit of a hardass, he thinks feelings are for the birds, and the only reason i had my affairs was for the sex.He doesn't want help from the C or the books or hear. He just wants to deal with it.
He's not proud of me, which really he shouldn't be, he has no passion for me , which I am amazed he can even touch me.
I know I'm rambling and can't possibly get all of this written, I all feels like crap and meanial when i look back at my thoughts and feeling, they seem so trivial and childish and worthless. I know how I felt, I also know I have to change how to deal with them and discuss them more.
I guess I just wanted to thank you for giving me place to come to and talk. The lonliness and self hate is unbearable. The tears don't want to go away and I would do anything to make the world I created right again.
Thanks for listening