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We are sitting at 6 months that my BH had found out. Its a very strange place to be. Ive read many books , research etc and Im still sitting in a sess pool.
I don't know what is right or wrong. I really know nothing at this point except My BH wants to be with me and says he still loves me.

Ive cheated twice. The first time was back in spring 04. I stopped it and said I never wanted to go back there. I was so happy about it , but I do know nothing was dealt with.

We found out in August the my H and I were pregnant, it was life had a new beginning for us. Iwas so happy. I know part of my thinking before was that my BH had not wanted a family was happy working away, didnt think it was important to call home and I was lonely and wanted and needed more. When I did my pregenancy test I was so afraid to tell him. I thought he would be so upset or even mad. :-( I was so wrong. He was happy, we were happy . Those three four years when we were having our babies , we have two together, were the best I have ever fealt. He was so loving and caring and he has told me he fell in love with me allover again then when he saw our son be born.
I was thrilled, yes life is pretty perfect. I hated him having to work away, Ive been a single mom before and not wanted to be or do that again.

I have fought with depression for life I would think and I was ok with , My kids kept me busy focused on something , our daughter she was sick and I spent many hours and days in the hopsital with her and hours awake by myslef taking care of her and worrying about her.
I know I felt resentful, and I know that he was doing what needed to be done and what I was proud of him for and that was provide for us. He's fantastic that way.

Then our daughter was getting better the kids got a little older and the depression and the negativity of life crept back in. And it kept growing. The stupid thing is i see it now. I felt it then but I would get up and do something and the next day it would be back again. I have no self esteem or self worth. Ive been seeing a IC and see and understand where it comes from, but still. My BH says and had allways said change your thinking.quit being emotional or negative etc. Which I felt was saying your thoughts and feelings not worth anything. I'm at the point where I really have no thoughts I feel the cold slipping back into my veins, to block the pain of who I am and what I've done.

This is where I was last year, I knew desperately last spring i needed help, I knew I needed professional help but I didnt go and get it. I shut down. I grew cold. Uncaring selfishI love my husband. I really cant see my world without him, but I don't deserve him. He's loyal strong and he does love me. I spend many nights crying while he was outside working wondering what was wrong with me why cant I just be happy. I pushed him away i neglected him and rejected him. then I cheated again. not only did I cheat I cheated with a close friend of his . A man who really is a piece of caca. How the hell am I suppose to make up for that , How am I suppose to be a person that can be loved. or who deserve love when i can do that to this man and who loves me.

He says he wants to be with me , that we still have lots of things together, that we did have lots of good in our past. This only makes it worse.

Ive even gone to the extent of giving him hall passes to make up for my A. He thinks it will help. Who knows, does it matter will it?

He still shows me affection and holds me in fact he even comforts me. I try and support him I try and smile for him. I try and tell him what and Why I want to be here too. I just don't know, He's not a talker, he thinks all this stuff talking and reading is other peoples opinions , which yah they are, but there tools for getting better. He's bit of a hardass, he thinks feelings are for the birds, and the only reason i had my affairs was for the sex.He doesn't want help from the C or the books or hear. He just wants to deal with it.

He's not proud of me, which really he shouldn't be, he has no passion for me , which I am amazed he can even touch me.

I know I'm rambling and can't possibly get all of this written, I all feels like crap and meanial when i look back at my thoughts and feeling, they seem so trivial and childish and worthless. I know how I felt, I also know I have to change how to deal with them and discuss them more.

I guess I just wanted to thank you for giving me place to come to and talk. The lonliness and self hate is unbearable. The tears don't want to go away and I would do anything to make the world I created right again.
Thanks for listening

Others will be along with amazing help for you.

But this jumped out at me:

Ive even gone to the extent of giving him hall passes to make up for my A. He thinks it will help. Who knows, does it matter will it?

Speaking as a BS- no, this will not help. This will not solve anything and will in fact make things worse. Please reconsider this thought process.

And be proud you are here, looking for help.

I know its a scary place and hoping that some of this will help me and my BS. As for the Hall passes, they have been given to him :-( To take away will be another betrayal, I know its not good. I can allready picture him sleeping with others and I know its allready affecting the way I physically feel and I have told him that. It may be what he needs though. I don't know will see if he does actually carry through with it. will see. It his choice now. I gave up.

No taking it away would not be a betrayal. Others may disagree with me but he is using your guilt and shame as a free pass to do what he will please. There is no solving the issue by layering more of the same issue on top. You may believe you can deal with it but he does not derserve to be able to cheat on you and it is that, you are giving your permission only because you want it to make it all better. There is no solution to this that you can just slap on. Betrayal does not heal with more betrayal. I want you to save your M and become a better healed couple and person but I must emphasize this is not the way to go. I speak from experience here please do not do this.

It's a place we are stuck on. He says if I can my fun he should be able to. I can't say I can't disagree. He says he's justified and it wouldn't be the same. I really dont know how wrong that's is. Is it not an eye for an eye.
He less frustrated more affectionate and loving. His anxiety is up again as was his anger this morning. I understand the reasoning he holds grudges and the one person he can sleep with will help extract some revenge. On the OM. It's such a mess and it's because of me. Are we not suppose to do whatever the BS needs?

So if he tells you to lay down and let him beat you will you do it because its what he needs? When I tell you I've been there I have, I was on craigslist, adult friend finder, pof all because he wanted a threesome and I thought I deserved to watch him have sex with someone else. He deserved to hurt me, it would make us equal. I got as far as going to a bar with him and meeting up with another woman whom was very interested in us. I remember him hugging me and telling me he was proud of me for keeping it together. I backed out at the last minute, I couldn't do it. I found out later that he continued a friendship with 2 of the women we'd contacted through craigslist. I have listed the details of this in my profile. He met up for drinks and dinner with one and had an EA with her. While he distanced himslef from me he spoke and flirted and gave her what I no longer deserved. He will never admit to an EA and he will never say or think that he did anything wrong because it never went physical.

I thought if he ever did it I could handle it. I was on the floor..literally torn apart. Suicidal thoughts came back, throwing up, depression full force. Don't do this.

Also as what do you mean the person he does it with will give him revenge on OM? Is he trying to become an OM?

Im afraid of that too. I meant the man I had the A with . his ex wife.
I know I feel like crawling under a mat and hiding. Make it all go away. But I can't. And yes I agree I would never let him beat me. And this is what it feels like.
He won't go to MC cause what can it do for him, He won't talk about the A cause it was me just having fun. He doesn't want the why's or the details. I don't know what to do about it. He's says there is no good reason for my A and I agree there is no good reason. or logical ones. I know he will never be satified with any reason as he keeps telling me this. He is not a man that can be empathetic. unless its maybe death or sickness. But peoples situations ar feeling or enviroments ...No he sees it as only the person is no good. and cannot change. There is no benfit of the doubt. No listening and understanding, he sees only from his point of view. He cannot live in anothers shoes

Its like you're describing my SO to me and its scary. I get how it feels, and you want so badly to prove something to him, to show that you can be a better person, a better partner, and that your willing to sacrifice anything. He needs to stay away from OM's exwife. How is acting like him revenge? How is him having sex with her going to resolve anything? I get the lack of talking about A, I get the not wanting or believing in counseling, truly so much of what you say reminds me of SO. Thing is if he wants to heal from this he needs to focus on him not on evening the score....

Hey J,
Sounds like your having one of those horrible soul crushing days. They suck, but then I remember its not a tenth of what I put my BS through. It helps me get focused and back to work helping her heal and trust me again. I don't deserve her one bit, but I'll be gawdammed if I'm gonna let her down again. I can relate to what you said about not knowing what's right or wrong anymore. Both our worlds have been dumped over by me, when things feel shaky I try to focus on her. It gets my feet on sold ground, gives me a direction to go. You probably already know the hall pass idea ain't so good. At the very least why would you want to drag him down into what we did. I'd try to get that one off the table. If he's dangling it over you, that's bull and not productive. You said he holds you and comforts you, that sounds encouraging. We are not always going to get immediate feed back that we are doing the right thing for our BS, so keep concientiously doing the best you can. It will make a difference, it just might be in the long run. Be positive, make it a mental habit to be positive, it will help!
Probably not much help from me, but I wanted to give you a boost if I could. We're about 6 months out too.

Thanks all I know you all know the feelings and thank you to anyone who is a BS that can understand. I know one way or the other the world will right itself. But I need the guidance right now. I don't trust myself to know what to do. And yes it's been a bad week. I feel even more fake than ever when I smile I just know I have to

He won't go to MC cause what can it do for him,

Does he honestly believe that he was the perfect husband and you two had the perfect marriage? Maybe in his mind, but he needs to look in the mirror - it wasn't perfect. The A is 100% your fault, but he owns 50% of the M before the A.

You talked about depression and how he told you to "change you thinking, quit being emotional or negative' and how you just spiraled down. Your feelings are REAL. Yes, you should have talked to him, but don't negate what you felt at the time.

The fact that he won't consider going to MC, yet he wants a pass to have his own A says a lot about his controlling ways...

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:05 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]