Remember a few things:
This is not your fault. No matter what he says, or why he did what he did, it's not your fault. There is something wrong with him, something wrong with his moral compass, some deeper reason he chose to do what he did, that only he can fix. You can't fix him. He will be in denial, what we call the fog, so don't expect him to admit he has a problem and he can stop anytime. That's a lie.
He will not tell you the truth, the whole truth, at least not at first and maybe never. It took about 9 months for my FWH to tell me the truth and it was only what he could remember. I still don't have all the answers to my questions, but I believe him, now, when he says he really doesn't remember.
Please talk to a counselor to help you get through this. Your H needs to do the same. It will take time, but we are here for you.
It has been nearly 4 years since DDay for me. I am finally in a place where I am happy, we are happy. We chose to R, but it didn't happen overnight and it was hard work.
You need to eat and stay hydrated. Even if it's a lean cuisine type meal and water. As for sleep, I think I finally had a full nights sleep sometime after a year from DDAY.
Is your H getting tested as well? If not, he better.
You can read my profile, you can PM me. No question is off limits here. If you're not sure about something, run it by the Moderators (Mods) first.
There will be more members who will post with similar situations as yours and can offer more and better advice. In the meantime, visit the healing library, and know you are not alone.
It's possible that your H felt inadequate and unable to help or do anything when your child died. Then you having to go thru what you did to have your next child and that one having special needs reinforces his feeling of not being a "man". Remember, this may be how he feels, how he sees himself. It's not the truth, but he thinks it is so he finds a way to prove his masculinity to himself.
I could be wrong, and if I am, please accept my apologies. You will get through this. You H has to be honest with you and more importantly, honest with himself.
I am so sorry. It is an intense betrayal on many levels. I totally and completely understand, BTDT.
Please be very gentle with yourself. Please see a therapist that specializes in trauma therapy and/or one that deals with spouses of sex addicts, because even if he isn't one, the trauma to you is the same and must be treated differently. Don't go to a garden-variety IC or MC who may tell you many men do this and you just need to communicate better. agreensleeve is 100% right with her post. Absolutely not your fault and your WH has grave things wrong with him that only he can decide to get fixed with lots of work and therapy. My greatest regret was waiting 6 months to get such a therapist for myself. Do it now. Also see your GP if you can't get a psychiatrist so you can get anxiety and/or sleep meds right away. Your body is taking a brutal beating right now and needs the assistance.
Please please ask for the full panel STD, every single test they have available. Otherwise they may just test for herpes and HIV. It is a horrific thing to tell a doc why you need a full panel when you have only had one partner for over a decade, but it is absolutely necessary for the doc to understand what you have been exposed to.
Please also see a lawyer. About all your options, staying married, possibly getting a D, trying to prevent his legal issues from impacting you. It will show WH you are serious and you will not mess around if he is not forthcoming with the truth ASAP.
Take it one day at a time. Eat, sleep, drink water. Put one foot in front of the other. You can do this. It will get better with time.
Keep posting. There is so much great support here.
At first he confessed that he had been trolling Craigslist but had not been successful in connecting with anyone. 30 minutes later he confessed that he had seen one hooker, twice. Two weeks into counseling he admitted that she was not the only one but couldn't bring himself to hurt me by telling me how many (he is is considerate that way!) as of this week he has confessed to being with 9 women to enjoy various sex acts. I have a strong feeling there are more.
The news was crippling & paralyzing. I am still reeling as I try to participate in normal life. It's hard & so e days it feels downright impossible. I spent many of the first few days lying in bed just staring at the ceiling.
I just joined this site recently & already have received so much comfort from total strangers who feel my pain intensely & have offered advice & support from real life perspective.
I hate that so many lives have been shattered by senseless acts of selfishness but we are here for you. I haven't figured things out for me yet so I don't know that right now I have anything to offer other than compassion & a true understanding of what you are going thru. Hold on for your life. It's a very wild ride.
Please post often so we can help you through each step of the way.
Thinking of you & praying for you to be blessed with strength, courage & wisdom.
All you can do is take it one day at a time. I know it is hard to eat but try. I'm 8 weeks from d day today so I don't have a lot of experience but this site has been so hopeful and all the wonderful people that are here just to support a complete Strangers. We all know the feelings you are having.
Hang in there.
Everyone here will walk with you every step of whatever path you ultimately choose to take.
[This message edited by MissMarple at 8:51 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]
I am so angry and sad for you. No one deserves this. Please be gentle with yourself, and please also get an IC with trauma therapy experience. Meds are great, but you need professional help to get through this. Also please consider seeing a lawyer to see what all your options are. Even if you never plan to D, you need to know all the particulars in case he files first or you change your mind. Knowledge is power. Hang in there. Keep posting.