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Just learned of the prostitutes on Craigslist

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MissMarple posted 5/1/2013 19:04 PM

I'm still in such a state of shock that it's hard to comprehend the situation I now find myself in. And my WH is only giving me half truths and lies, so I still don't really know all that he did. On Monday he went to the police to report a theft (the prostitute stole stuff from our car) and also tried to blackmail him into paying more money to get said stuff back. This is how I started to find out that he had met with a hooker. He told me this was a one time mistake and that she had his money, but that he never went through with the act. After I found his secret email account, I discovered that he has been scheduling hookups with multiple women on Craigslist in the area since at least Oct 2012. When confronted, he said he only met with one other woman, and it was only oral sex. My bank statements show hundreds of dollars in atm withdrawls over the last year that I can't account for. I doubt that he spent that much and didn't get what he paid for. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to get tested for STD's. I am nauseous, I can't eat or sleep. I am devastated.

housenotahome posted 5/1/2013 19:18 PM

I'm so sorry (((Miss Marple))). How did she know where you lived? I know you can't eat right now but try to drink plenty of water. I hope your tests come out clear.

agreensleeve posted 5/1/2013 19:40 PM

I am so very sorry you are here, but as you can tell, you're not alone. A lot of us are here because our H chose to visit prostitutes. You will be going through a lot of different emotions, a lot of feelings you never imagined of.

Remember a few things:
This is not your fault. No matter what he says, or why he did what he did, it's not your fault. There is something wrong with him, something wrong with his moral compass, some deeper reason he chose to do what he did, that only he can fix. You can't fix him. He will be in denial, what we call the fog, so don't expect him to admit he has a problem and he can stop anytime. That's a lie.

He will not tell you the truth, the whole truth, at least not at first and maybe never. It took about 9 months for my FWH to tell me the truth and it was only what he could remember. I still don't have all the answers to my questions, but I believe him, now, when he says he really doesn't remember.

Please talk to a counselor to help you get through this. Your H needs to do the same. It will take time, but we are here for you.

It has been nearly 4 years since DDay for me. I am finally in a place where I am happy, we are happy. We chose to R, but it didn't happen overnight and it was hard work.

You need to eat and stay hydrated. Even if it's a lean cuisine type meal and water. As for sleep, I think I finally had a full nights sleep sometime after a year from DDAY.

Is your H getting tested as well? If not, he better.

You can read my profile, you can PM me. No question is off limits here. If you're not sure about something, run it by the Moderators (Mods) first.

There will be more members who will post with similar situations as yours and can offer more and better advice. In the meantime, visit the healing library, and know you are not alone.

MissMarple posted 5/1/2013 20:07 PM

So much to process. The cheating, the lying, the financial issue (we live paycheck to paycheck), and the legal issue that has come since he went to the police (the OW claims to be underage). The worst part is that I thought our marriage was the best it's been in years. We have gone through so much together, our firstborn was premature and died an hour after he was born, I spent much time in the hospital with my second pregnancy, as I almost lost him as well, I had surgery, hormone injections, and 3 months of bedrest to stay pregnant long enough for our son to have a chance. Our son is special needs and has some learning disabilities. All of that was hard enough to get through, I don't know how we'll get through this.

agreensleeve posted 5/1/2013 20:57 PM

One of the issues that came out through our MC is my H feeling like I didn't need him anymore. And if I didn't need him, then I didn't love him. Keep in mind that is how his mind and thought process worked. But, that is not how I saw it. Yes, I was becoming more independent, more confident in my abilities to do things on my own. I needed to because he traveled a lot for his job and I had no choice but to learn how to take care of things that he normally did. I would tell him: No, I can do it and he would hear: I don't need you anymore; I don't love you anymore. This started a feeling of inadequacy in himself, but instead of talking to me about how he felt, he withdrew from me, became emotionally detached from me.
He found a way to feel like he was needed, like he was in control and could be the "hero" he needed to be and "she wanted/needed him". Again, that was his thought process.

It's possible that your H felt inadequate and unable to help or do anything when your child died. Then you having to go thru what you did to have your next child and that one having special needs reinforces his feeling of not being a "man". Remember, this may be how he feels, how he sees himself. It's not the truth, but he thinks it is so he finds a way to prove his masculinity to himself.

I could be wrong, and if I am, please accept my apologies. You will get through this. You H has to be honest with you and more importantly, honest with himself.

hathnofury posted 5/1/2013 21:02 PM


I am so sorry. It is an intense betrayal on many levels. I totally and completely understand, BTDT.

Please be very gentle with yourself. Please see a therapist that specializes in trauma therapy and/or one that deals with spouses of sex addicts, because even if he isn't one, the trauma to you is the same and must be treated differently. Don't go to a garden-variety IC or MC who may tell you many men do this and you just need to communicate better. agreensleeve is 100% right with her post. Absolutely not your fault and your WH has grave things wrong with him that only he can decide to get fixed with lots of work and therapy. My greatest regret was waiting 6 months to get such a therapist for myself. Do it now. Also see your GP if you can't get a psychiatrist so you can get anxiety and/or sleep meds right away. Your body is taking a brutal beating right now and needs the assistance.

Please please ask for the full panel STD, every single test they have available. Otherwise they may just test for herpes and HIV. It is a horrific thing to tell a doc why you need a full panel when you have only had one partner for over a decade, but it is absolutely necessary for the doc to understand what you have been exposed to.

Please also see a lawyer. About all your options, staying married, possibly getting a D, trying to prevent his legal issues from impacting you. It will show WH you are serious and you will not mess around if he is not forthcoming with the truth ASAP.

Take it one day at a time. Eat, sleep, drink water. Put one foot in front of the other. You can do this. It will get better with time.

Keep posting. There is so much great support here.

housenotahome posted 5/1/2013 21:38 PM

I had to force myself to eat after dday. If you don't, you will loose your mind even more, as if it were possible, but it is. Get things you don't have to cook like cold cuts, fruit, cheese, and bread. That made it easier for me. I even set a timer couple of hours to remind me to graze. Talk to your Dr. about some anti anxiety meds so that you can sleep. I would also like to recommend a book called "First Aid For The Betrayed". It really helped me. Keep posting. We are here for you.

outtanowhere posted 5/2/2013 06:10 AM

Dear MissMarple, I'm so,so,so very sorry! I had my husband read your post so he could see what he opened himself up for when he started seeing prostitutes some 12 or so years ago. Activity that I have only recently discovered after he forgot to close his email account.

At first he confessed that he had been trolling Craigslist but had not been successful in connecting with anyone. 30 minutes later he confessed that he had seen one hooker, twice. Two weeks into counseling he admitted that she was not the only one but couldn't bring himself to hurt me by telling me how many (he is is considerate that way!) as of this week he has confessed to being with 9 women to enjoy various sex acts. I have a strong feeling there are more.
The news was crippling & paralyzing. I am still reeling as I try to participate in normal life. It's hard & so e days it feels downright impossible. I spent many of the first few days lying in bed just staring at the ceiling.
I just joined this site recently & already have received so much comfort from total strangers who feel my pain intensely & have offered advice & support from real life perspective.
I hate that so many lives have been shattered by senseless acts of selfishness but we are here for you. I haven't figured things out for me yet so I don't know that right now I have anything to offer other than compassion & a true understanding of what you are going thru. Hold on for your life. It's a very wild ride.
Please post often so we can help you through each step of the way.
Thinking of you & praying for you to be blessed with strength, courage & wisdom.

27yearsnowlost posted 5/2/2013 07:18 AM

I know exactly how you feel. My WH did the same thing minus the police report. I thought that we had the perfect marriage for 27 years.

All you can do is take it one day at a time. I know it is hard to eat but try. I'm 8 weeks from d day today so I don't have a lot of experience but this site has been so hopeful and all the wonderful people that are here just to support a complete Strangers. We all know the feelings you are having.

Hang in there.

MissMarple posted 5/2/2013 08:38 AM

I'm trying to eat. Mostly crackers. I'm trying to not cry in front of my 4-year-old. I found more lies, so I kicked him out of the house last night. I'm letting him come over today to see our son. We've told our pastor and the leadership at our church. He has agreed to MC. I'm going to insist that he also sees a therapist. I go in for my STD tests this afternoon.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/2/2013 08:54 AM

My husband cheated with prostitutes also. I made a thread a few months ago in the General forum for women who their WS cheated with hookers. I will bump the thread if you would like to read it. So sorry you are here.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/2/2013 08:58 AM

I just bumped the thread if you would to read it, it may offer you some comfort to know you are not alone in this.

MissMarple posted 5/2/2013 10:24 AM

Thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but I'm also so sorry that I am not alone. No one should have to go through this.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/2/2013 10:39 AM

I know what you mean. The comfort here is great, but I wouldn't wish this pain on someone I hated much less the wonderful, loving,beautiful women on this board. {HUGS}
Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to or any questions.

Nature_Girl posted 5/2/2013 10:45 AM

There are no words to properly describe the shock of this discovery. (((HUGS))) Just a few years ago I was blissfully unaware of the depravity available via the internet. I mean, I knew of porn, I knew there was some online interactive porn sites. But I had no idea about Craigslist, Ashley Madison, BackPage, F***book, and on & on. I thought Craigslist was just a great place to sell used baby clothes & get great deals on patio furniture.

Everyone here will walk with you every step of whatever path you ultimately choose to take.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/2/2013 12:15 PM

I knew about Craigslist but none of the other crap, but never though my WS would stoop as low as whores, it never occurred to me even when I knew was cheating.

MissMarple posted 5/3/2013 08:50 AM

I went to the doctor yesterday. He says I have something, but I won't know for sure which STD I have until I get the test results back, which will be on Monday. He has me on antibiotics already, and we upped my zoloft dosage (I've been on anti-depressants for years) and also gave me anti-anxiety meds. I will also get the blood work results on Monday. Waiting the next few days to get the results is pure torture. I can't stop thinking about it. My husband was my one and only. I never ever thought that I would get an STD. Having to ask my doctor for those tests was so embarassing. My doctor was kind and kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I don't know how to go on. This pain is unbearable. It is actually worse than when my firstborn son died in my arms. And that was horrific. I had night terrors for quite a few years.

[This message edited by MissMarple at 8:51 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 5/3/2013 10:41 AM

Oh Miss M, I'm so sorry! And angry on your behalf.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/3/2013 11:45 AM

I am so very sorry. I know your pain and then it has to be multiplied by knowing he gave you something. I am here if you need talk. {{HUGS}}

hathnofury posted 5/3/2013 12:12 PM

(((Miss M)))

I am so angry and sad for you. No one deserves this. Please be gentle with yourself, and please also get an IC with trauma therapy experience. Meds are great, but you need professional help to get through this. Also please consider seeing a lawyer to see what all your options are. Even if you never plan to D, you need to know all the particulars in case he files first or you change your mind. Knowledge is power. Hang in there. Keep posting.

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