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Not wanting the why's?

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Joanh posted 5/1/2013 19:37 PM

This is to anyone that can help me understand why my BH doesn't want answers. He says cause I just wanted to have fun. If it had been just about sex I would agree. We are 6 months in from dday and I want to discuss it and not brush it under. I am in IC to totally understand my behavior and what I can do to understand and change for us and myself. Any ideas

karmahappens posted 5/1/2013 19:40 PM

Whoops....wrong answer, misunderstood. Sorry

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:14 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

floridaredman posted 5/1/2013 19:42 PM

How about writing out a timeline regarding the affair from when it started to when it ended.
You can also journal what your feelings were during the affair so you can have this written out and he can view them IF he so desires.
For right now..if he doesn't want the why's don't force them on him.
However he definitely needs to talk to someone and not try to rugsweep or run from this.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:42 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Knowing posted 5/1/2013 19:57 PM

I guess the question then is why was "having fun" more important than his M? his committments to you, to his family and to his children? Why was "having fun" more important than his own integrity? More important than his own self-esteem? Why was "having fun" more important than protecting himself and you from a STD or even HIV?

SisterMilkshake posted 5/1/2013 20:03 PM

I like floridaredman's idea, Joanh. Maybe your BH just isn't ready to process anymore than he has to process right now. When he is ready (if ever) he can read the timeline and take in little chunks at a time.

However, for me that is the reason my FWH did it. He was selfish, he could, so he did. Simple. So, I understand what your BH is saying. Nothing you can say is going to get him to understand "why" you did it, not in the sense, like "oh, that makes sense" because it just won't ever make sense.

Joanh posted 5/1/2013 21:12 PM

Thanks for the input. Just to clarify. It's I who cheated and myBS plans to

avicarswife posted 5/2/2013 00:29 AM

I'm sorry if you feel that you need to give him a "free pass" because of your affair.

As a BS I get the need to want to hurt your betrayer. You want to act out and have them feel pain because of how much you hurt. But as for having a 'revenge affair' all I have seen on SI is that it adds more agony and confusion for both parties.

His reason

I just wanted to have fun

doesn't show that he has really explored how he feels about his betrayal. In my better moments when I am not wanting to lash out, I know that I would never want to inflict this pain on anyone. Or add more shit to the sandwich I am eating.

Will he listen to you express your pain, remorse and sorrow for your affair? When my WH expresses those to me it soothes the pain somewhat. It helps me feel less like I want him to be hurt him because I can see he is in pain - even though it is the result of his own behaviour.

Have you told him you don't want him to take this option, even if you feel he is in some crazy way justified in doing so? Does he know how much you hurt already? How much this is going to add to the shit-pile?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 2:39 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

5454real posted 5/2/2013 01:10 AM

I might be barking up the wrong tree entirely here, but at what point did you offer the free pass. My fWW did and I have to be honest, that hurt. On top of her betrayal, was her opinion of my character that low? It didn't take long for me to get pissed about it and I could have seen myself telling her I would just to cause her pain.

OTOH, it's not really a tasty sandwich being served. It might take him a while to finish it so that he can begin to process it.

ETA sp

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:33 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

PeaceLove187 posted 5/2/2013 11:14 AM

Joanh--I got confused by this thread but taking only the your original question then I wonder if your "why" includes blaming marriage problems for your A? If you are in any way, shape or form trying to blame him (and blaming the marriage is blaming him) then he will probably never be ready to discuss those reasons because they aren't the real reasons you cheated.

TrustGone posted 5/2/2013 11:37 AM

Has he always been a rug sweeper? If so, then this is probably just the way he handles things, his coping mechanism in a way. My WH#2 is a big rug sweeper. I will never get the "Why" that will satisfy me, because there is no excuse for what he did.

I say if he is happy with his own version of why and won't listen to you explain all your reasons why then you have a big communication problem. Giving him a "free pass" will not fix this and will only make things worse for the both of you. You need to tell him you DO NOT give him a free pass because that would devalue you both. If he takes you up on it, then what will you do?

You both sound like you need some serious IC and MC in order to save this marriage and keep it from spiraling out of control. Good Luck.

Joanh posted 5/2/2013 16:57 PM

Thank you for all your thoughts, I appreciate them wholly,
I know I am willing to do what ever it takes to repair the damage I have caused. And your right I don't want him to feel the way I do or take him down this path. All it is is self distructive.

Theradin posted 5/2/2013 17:08 PM

It sounds to me like your BH wants to just try to sweep it under the rug and not deal with the trauma and emotional abuse that he's been dealt. This is a common mindset for many people who have experienced trauma or abuse. It involves just trying to forget it ever happened. It isn't the most productive, by any means, but it is a coping mechanism for pain. In a sense, it simply gets bottled up and never resolved.

That being said, some people can bottle things up so tight and lock them away that it really doesn't affect them later in life. But it's not too common, I don't think.

The fact of the matter is that it is up to your BH as to what information he needs or wants, and you should obviously respect his boundaries and comfort. On the flip side, if you feel that this approach of his is hindering R for you two, then that also needs to be considered. You both have to decide what works best for you to move forward, and hope that you both can see eye to eye on that. If not, it may be worth reconsidering.

Lastly, just to put this out there in the interest of covering all possibilities. Your BH could actually be emotionally detaching from you (or has already emotionally detached), and thus, does not really care for the details or anything else really having to do with you on an emotional level. This is a usually a precursor to a BS preparing to move on, emotionally, with life and with someone else. Just keep that in mind, too. It happens quite often.

nofool4u posted 6/18/2013 09:48 AM

This is to anyone that can help me understand why my BH doesn't want answers.

He doesn't want answers because he is dealing with the mind movies of you having sex with another man. So as it is, answers are just salt on the open wound.

Some BS want details/answers, some don't.
As a fBS, I didn't want details or answers, because there was no answer that would erase the only fact I needed to know.....that she cheated.

I suspect because this is too difficult for him and he is fuming inside that "answers" would be like gasoline on an open fire.

sisoon posted 6/18/2013 12:37 PM

First, kudos for doing the work and wanting to share with your H.

This is to anyone that can help me understand why my BH doesn't want answers.

I'm not sure this is the right issue to address.

IMO, the issue for you is that you want to talk about your A, and your H doesn't, so how are you going to deal with being blocked without letting your feelings work themselves out dysfunctionally?

I'm really sorry your H is not talking with you, but that's his choice. It's a bad one from the point of view of R, but it's his choice to make.

Do you ever ask him what he wants from you or how you can help him? What des he say, and how do you respond?

Underneath it all, the 'whys' are for you. Use your whys to make changes in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so that you can become a person who will never betray anyone again.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:38 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

catlover50 posted 6/18/2013 12:49 PM

I agree with sisson that the whys are for you, but unlike some here I was really helped by understanding my fWH's whys. We had a happy marriage and I was a great wife and my H did not change his behavior so it was really confusing to me. Now that we both really feel that we understand it makes a sort of sense to me and we understand where the work needs to be done. Not that the pain is erased or he is excused, but understanding did help, both of us actually, since he was as confused as I was.

Perhaps your BH would be willing to go to MC so that he could learn that A's are often not just as simple as having fun. If you don't feel that explains it, perhaps he would be willing to let you try to understand it yourself and then help him understand.

Best of luck.

Joanh posted 6/18/2013 13:00 PM

Thanks everyone He requests that I don't bring it up, he is working on dealing with it and it is harder for him to move on. He is loving and caring and says he wants to be here that family and his kids are the most important thing to him. So he want to accept it and make our life. WE do discuss triggers and what to do about them , both of do. And we just do it. It has been helpful. Things have changed our perspectives have changed we both are doing and treating each other different, he has heard me and I have heard him. Its amazing what the motivation on actions are so misconstrued when you don't ask. I believed he should have known I was sad and lonely and needed reassurance in a different way and I misunderstood that the whole time he was there for me. It really has come down to my not trusting people due to my upbringing and the things that have happened to me that I did not deal with or learn better ways of coping. Communication is huge issue for me. Taught to bury it and put on a good show. Be the perfect person I was expected to be or so I thought.
His other request which is probably a given, do NOT DO THIS AGAIN! Leave or talk to him first. He could never forgive me or accept it. And nor would I expect him too. He wants to build our dreams, we talk about our future and are wants and dreams. We both discuss how we have gotten that he couldn't be home and that it was both of us. That family has to be apriority and we have to work together. I have a hard time not wanting to discuss it , however I have said my piece of my whys to him, and now its my turn to correct them, and grow. We've had a few bad days here. But its because of me not letting go and let things be and let life lead us. My fear was a controlling factor and it has tainted my thoughts and actions more than anything. I'm not going to let it. And just love my H how he deserves to be. At the same time know myself I will not be that person again. I have killed her or that part of me. I will not let her exsist. This I do for me , my husband and my children. I am and will be a better person. Thanks everyone.

Jospehine85 posted 6/18/2013 14:09 PM

Hello Joanh,

it sounds like you need to do more work on yourself. You are looking at this situation from a fairly self-centered position.

First, finding the "why's" is only really for the benefit of the WS. If the WS can figure them out, they should be able to figure out what SHOULD have been better coping strategies. It is knowing the why's and knowing better coping strategies for the why's that will insure you do not have another A.

The why's are not your BH's. He doesn't need them to heal. Some do, he doesn't.

It is very likely he feels like you are dumping the responsibility of your fixing yourself on him when you insist on discussing your why's. Why should he put his energy into fixing you? He's healing himself.

Your BH may be dealing with mind-movies and any further discussion of your A will only make things worse for him.

He has told you why he doesn't want to discuss it. Why do you keep pushing? Why are you not respecting the way he wants to heal himself? Why are you trying to force your way on to him?

Joanh posted 6/18/2013 14:23 PM

Yes and yes. I guess I was trying to say that it's my issues I have to work on. And yes I'm going to leave him be. I guess it was ling winded And yes I am self centered another thing I'm working on at the same time I'm looking at my issues. Long term trust and belief So yes I agree with you. And am getting it.

Joanh posted 6/18/2013 14:32 PM

Yes and yes. I guess I was trying to say that it's my issues I have to work on. And yes I'm going to leave him be. I guess it was ling winded And yes I am self centered another thing I'm working on at the same time I'm looking at my issues. Long term trust and belief So yes I agree with you. And am getting it.

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