[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:14 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:42 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
We are in R.
However, for me that is the reason my FWH did it. He was selfish, he could, so he did. Simple. So, I understand what your BH is saying. Nothing you can say is going to get him to understand "why" you did it, not in the sense, like "oh, that makes sense" because it just won't ever make sense.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
As a BS I get the need to want to hurt your betrayer. You want to act out and have them feel pain because of how much you hurt. But as for having a 'revenge affair' all I have seen on SI is that it adds more agony and confusion for both parties.
His reason
I just wanted to have fun
doesn't show that he has really explored how he feels about his betrayal. In my better moments when I am not wanting to lash out, I know that I would never want to inflict this pain on anyone. Or add more shit to the sandwich I am eating.
Will he listen to you express your pain, remorse and sorrow for your affair? When my WH expresses those to me it soothes the pain somewhat. It helps me feel less like I want him to be hurt him because I can see he is in pain - even though it is the result of his own behaviour.
Have you told him you don't want him to take this option, even if you feel he is in some crazy way justified in doing so? Does he know how much you hurt already? How much this is going to add to the shit-pile?
[This message edited by avicarswife at 2:39 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
OTOH, it's not really a tasty sandwich being served. It might take him a while to finish it so that he can begin to process it.
ETA sp
[This message edited by 5454real at 1:33 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
I say if he is happy with his own version of why and won't listen to you explain all your reasons why then you have a big communication problem. Giving him a "free pass" will not fix this and will only make things worse for the both of you. You need to tell him you DO NOT give him a free pass because that would devalue you both. If he takes you up on it, then what will you do?
You both sound like you need some serious IC and MC in order to save this marriage and keep it from spiraling out of control. Good Luck.
That being said, some people can bottle things up so tight and lock them away that it really doesn't affect them later in life. But it's not too common, I don't think.
The fact of the matter is that it is up to your BH as to what information he needs or wants, and you should obviously respect his boundaries and comfort. On the flip side, if you feel that this approach of his is hindering R for you two, then that also needs to be considered. You both have to decide what works best for you to move forward, and hope that you both can see eye to eye on that. If not, it may be worth reconsidering.
Lastly, just to put this out there in the interest of covering all possibilities. Your BH could actually be emotionally detaching from you (or has already emotionally detached), and thus, does not really care for the details or anything else really having to do with you on an emotional level. This is a usually a precursor to a BS preparing to move on, emotionally, with life and with someone else. Just keep that in mind, too. It happens quite often.
This is to anyone that can help me understand why my BH doesn't want answers.
He doesn't want answers because he is dealing with the mind movies of you having sex with another man. So as it is, answers are just salt on the open wound.
Some BS want details/answers, some don't. As a fBS, I didn't want details or answers, because there was no answer that would erase the only fact I needed to know.....that she cheated.
I suspect because this is too difficult for him and he is fuming inside that "answers" would be like gasoline on an open fire.
I'm not sure this is the right issue to address.
IMO, the issue for you is that you want to talk about your A, and your H doesn't, so how are you going to deal with being blocked without letting your feelings work themselves out dysfunctionally?
I'm really sorry your H is not talking with you, but that's his choice. It's a bad one from the point of view of R, but it's his choice to make.
Do you ever ask him what he wants from you or how you can help him? What des he say, and how do you respond?
Underneath it all, the 'whys' are for you. Use your whys to make changes in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so that you can become a person who will never betray anyone again.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:38 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Perhaps your BH would be willing to go to MC so that he could learn that A's are often not just as simple as having fun. If you don't feel that explains it, perhaps he would be willing to let you try to understand it yourself and then help him understand.
Best of luck.
it sounds like you need to do more work on yourself. You are looking at this situation from a fairly self-centered position.
First, finding the "why's" is only really for the benefit of the WS. If the WS can figure them out, they should be able to figure out what SHOULD have been better coping strategies. It is knowing the why's and knowing better coping strategies for the why's that will insure you do not have another A.
The why's are not your BH's. He doesn't need them to heal. Some do, he doesn't.
It is very likely he feels like you are dumping the responsibility of your fixing yourself on him when you insist on discussing your why's. Why should he put his energy into fixing you? He's healing himself.
Your BH may be dealing with mind-movies and any further discussion of your A will only make things worse for him.
He has told you why he doesn't want to discuss it. Why do you keep pushing? Why are you not respecting the way he wants to heal himself? Why are you trying to force your way on to him?
