He has been a model WH, very remorseful, helpful, but he says he had his affair in part because he believed I was going to die (Stage III cancer diagnosis) and he didn't want to be alone. So he cheated with dumb MOW.
I am happy with him when he is home. I can go 10-12 hours at a time not thinking about his cheating but I am concerned about my wishing for his demise. I am worried I can't reconcile with him, that this is a sign that no matter what he does in the future that this was a deal breaker.
Impossible isn't it? To really love someone and work to reconcile with them but to wish them dead?
You at SI are such nice people. You have been nothing but positive with me, I don't know if you've been in this place. I must be a terrible person.
Hugs to you, it gets better, eventually, if he is trying
I always told him an affair would be a deal breaker for me. If we didn't have kids I wouldn't have given divorce a second thought. Most days I'm glad I'm still here with him but I guess not today.
It's amazing how infidelity makes us think...
I also think death is a very common issue to talk about and think about when you are so close to it at one point in your life. Near death experience for me and having watched my sister fight cancer at such a young age(23).
I put myself as fully R and can not imagine ever being with out my H. I am also very happy with my H. We are each others best friends. If I can say that and I still had those same thoughts, it's normal.
This too shall pass I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
I think human emotion is hugely complex - the pain and grief you feel from betrayal seems to me to be similar to grief you feel when someone you love dies.
Also R seems to be fraught with pain as you explore things deeply. At times I want off the crazy train and aren't always particular about how this could be achieved!
Funny thing though, it still wouldn't have undone the damage already inflicted. And she has been integral in my and our healing...so it's a good thing nobody answered my silent prayer. Phew.
Just don't actually do it.
I think it is a way for us NOT to have to deal with the pain they've caused.
The marriage counselor told me no one has been hurt by thoughts. Just this was her way of absolving me from my evil thinking. Obviously, lots of people do this.
You have enough to deal with. Don't worry about this.
Not only have I imagined how much easier it would have been if he had died (I don't think this now, just to clarify) but I have had thoughts that I'd wanted it to happen . Very difficult thing to write and admit, but in the hopes it helps normalise these thoughts, I am!
Almost doesn't count.
Unfortunately it has happened here on SI since I have been posting. Once a BS's WH was in an accident and eventually died. She only found out about the affair after the accident and never got a chance to even confront him that she knew and then had to deal with the OW, In-laws, children, etc. Several others have had their BS die during the process of R. It is always sad and doesn't really stop their pain. It just adds another layer of pain and guilt.
Don't feel like a horrible person for this. It is perfectly natural response to the devastation that they caused. (((HUGS)))
It's a different scenario than this, but it does relate. I don't want to give it away and I urge any BS to watch it with caution. It will most likely trigger you. I saw the movie not long before my Dday.
And I don't think you are a terrible person RightTrack. I think you are very human.
((hugs))
It was also pretty darn cold of your wh to add this to your plate, when you were facing a life threatening condition...
With a death, there's finalization. You can grieve and move on. You don't have to wonder "why" they died, and if they're going to *die* again.
^^^THIS^^^
I think it's common. I know I've done it. After all, you'd be free of all the worrying and fearing that it will happen again. Sometimes that just seems like it would be...nice.
That said I know that I don't really want him dead. Usually.
