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RightTrack posted 5/1/2013 22:29 PM

This morning WH embarked on a very dangerous job. I listened to the operation he'd planned, kissed him good-bye and then was shocked that I spent the rest of the morning hoping he'd die. My girlfriend called before 8 and I was disappointed it wasn't his boss calling with the bad news. I don't want to divorce because of the kids and our finances. I want to keep the house, keep the kids and keep the kids in private school BUT my idea of perfect would be to have all these things and to have him conveniently out of the picture.

He has been a model WH, very remorseful, helpful, but he says he had his affair in part because he believed I was going to die (Stage III cancer diagnosis) and he didn't want to be alone. So he cheated with dumb MOW.

I am happy with him when he is home. I can go 10-12 hours at a time not thinking about his cheating but I am concerned about my wishing for his demise. I am worried I can't reconcile with him, that this is a sign that no matter what he does in the future that this was a deal breaker.

Impossible isn't it? To really love someone and work to reconcile with them but to wish them dead?

You at SI are such nice people. You have been nothing but positive with me, I don't know if you've been in this place. I must be a terrible person.

StrongerOne posted 5/1/2013 22:48 PM

If you're a terrible person, so am I. I've had this exact feeling. Forgive yourself. As long as you are not helping him along to being dead, it's ok.

Hugs to you, it gets better, eventually, if he is trying

RightTrack posted 5/1/2013 22:55 PM

Thanks for that. I can definitely say that he is not just trying to reconcile but that he has been fantastic. He's spent the last year being the husband I always wanted. And yet, here I am, a year out, "successfully reconciled" and still thinking I'd just rather not have him around.

I always told him an affair would be a deal breaker for me. If we didn't have kids I wouldn't have given divorce a second thought. Most days I'm glad I'm still here with him but I guess not today.

NoraLee posted 5/1/2013 23:19 PM

Eeek...me too! My H has been the model of remorse but I have had the same thoughts! It's not that I wouldn't be devastated... But no more worrying, checking up...but at the same time I've had panic attacks that he would die before we could repair the damage...

It's amazing how infidelity makes us think...

Hearthache again posted 5/1/2013 23:28 PM

Personally I think this is very normal. I thought how easier it would of been if he just died. I even told him once if OW showed up to his funeral I would be in jail.

I also think death is a very common issue to talk about and think about when you are so close to it at one point in your life. Near death experience for me and having watched my sister fight cancer at such a young age(23).

I put myself as fully R and can not imagine ever being with out my H. I am also very happy with my H. We are each others best friends. If I can say that and I still had those same thoughts, it's normal.

avicarswife posted 5/2/2013 00:42 AM

No I don't think you are callous or that the affair is necessarily a dealbreaker.

I think human emotion is hugely complex - the pain and grief you feel from betrayal seems to me to be similar to grief you feel when someone you love dies.

Also R seems to be fraught with pain as you explore things deeply. At times I want off the crazy train and aren't always particular about how this could be achieved!

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 5/2/2013 00:52 AM

Color me guilty. No I actually don't want my wife dead. But I used to fantasize about how easy life would be for me and the kids if her plane crashed coming back from a work trip. And having lost my mom at a young age, I know that regardless if she and I reconciled, the death of their mom would be horrific. But that doesn't mean I didn't fantasize about the release from this.

Funny thing though, it still wouldn't have undone the damage already inflicted. And she has been integral in my and our healing...so it's a good thing nobody answered my silent prayer. Phew.

inca posted 5/2/2013 01:02 AM

I feel the same way you do. I have been working to recover but I do, absolutely, wish he was dead. He is spa way tonight and I can't stop thinking about how great it would be if he as dead. I would feel horrible if it happened but I can't help but wish it did!

I think I can posted 5/2/2013 06:30 AM

Totally done this. It's a fantasy your mind has built to escape this trapped feeling you have. Normal. If he is dead, then you don't have to deal with this anymore!

Just don't actually do it.

daledge posted 5/2/2013 07:00 AM

You've got lots of company here!
I've planned my husband's funeral (in my head).

I think it is a way for us NOT to have to deal with the pain they've caused.

The marriage counselor told me no one has been hurt by thoughts. Just this was her way of absolving me from my evil thinking. Obviously, lots of people do this.

You have enough to deal with.
Don't worry about this.

Painfool posted 5/2/2013 08:38 AM

More company here!

Not only have I imagined how much easier it would have been if he had died (I don't think this now, just to clarify) but I have had thoughts that I'd wanted it to happen . Very difficult thing to write and admit, but in the hopes it helps normalise these thoughts, I am!

freelancer posted 5/2/2013 11:53 AM

Thank you for posting this! You have no idea how much better I feel knowing that I am not alone in this thinking. I think that part of it might go to the fact that we are grieving the loss of the relationship, wouldn't that be easier to do, with more finality, if we didn't have to see their faces?

TrustGone posted 5/2/2013 12:05 PM

I don't think that a BS out there has not had this thought at one time or the other. We don't really want them dead, we just want the pain to go away and we all imagine that their death would make that easier.

Unfortunately it has happened here on SI since I have been posting. Once a BS's WH was in an accident and eventually died. She only found out about the affair after the accident and never got a chance to even confront him that she knew and then had to deal with the OW, In-laws, children, etc. Several others have had their BS die during the process of R. It is always sad and doesn't really stop their pain. It just adds another layer of pain and guilt.

Don't feel like a horrible person for this. It is perfectly natural response to the devastation that they caused. (((HUGS)))

mightsurvive posted 5/2/2013 12:18 PM

I have had these same feelings on occasion too! I think it is a wish to have the pain go away but I love my husband tremendously so that pain would also be incredible.

Searchingforhope posted 5/2/2013 12:18 PM

Have you seen the movie with George Clooney..."The Descendents?"

It's a different scenario than this, but it does relate. I don't want to give it away and I urge any BS to watch it with caution. It will most likely trigger you. I saw the movie not long before my Dday.

And I don't think you are a terrible person RightTrack. I think you are very human.

((hugs))

Theradin posted 5/2/2013 17:03 PM

You definitely are not alone or abnormal. I remember reading about this in some literature a couple months back that I stumbled up when I was searching for resources on recovering from the trauma and emotional abuse inflicted upon one by an affair, by betrayal. Somehow I ended up on a psychology journal that was mostly dealing with those who have been violated by a parent or other family member, and it explains that often, you really do wish they were dead. And it explains that this feeling is because it would bring about (false) closure in your mind - to not ever hear that person, see that person, etc. So no, it's not abnormal or weird, so long as you don't actually ACT on it..!

SoVerySadNow posted 5/2/2013 17:15 PM

I think it's normal in our abnormal new life.
I don't actually wish WH dead- just "poofed" away. And a happier life after.

Safeguard posted 5/2/2013 19:05 PM

Theradin makes a good point,
With a death, there's finalization. You can grieve and move on. You don't have to wonder "why" they died, and if they're going to *die* again.

It was also pretty darn cold of your wh to add this to your plate, when you were facing a life threatening condition...

What2Thnk posted 5/2/2013 19:16 PM

With a death, there's finalization. You can grieve and move on. You don't have to wonder "why" they died, and if they're going to *die* again.

^^^THIS^^^

I think it's common. I know I've done it. After all, you'd be free of all the worrying and fearing that it will happen again. Sometimes that just seems like it would be...nice.

That said I know that I don't really want him dead. Usually.

RightTrack posted 5/2/2013 19:38 PM

It was with great trepidation that I posted this. I'm really relieved to see that this is normal. Last night he came home (safe ) and was very especially nice to me. I felt like a total fraud. I felt like he could see what I had been thinking. Today is already better, I am looking forward to him coming home so we can have a date night. I'm actually impatient! Thanks for all your understanding and input.