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Why do I keep asking questions

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savvy posted 5/2/2013 07:04 AM

I can't seem to stop asking questions about the how and when. We were always in such contact I feel like I should have known. She only lives about a mile from my house and business and he didn't bother hiding his car. Did he want to get caught. Am I clinging to the last 30 years instead of the man. Will I be ok in the future. It hurts so bad I don't think it will ever go away. Yesterday was such a bad day and today isn't starting off much better. So sad , shaky, my legs feel like noodles, I'm sorry I know everyone here is in pain and I wish I could take it away for everyone. Will I ever find someone who will love me for me. These questions keep me awake and clutter my mind all day.

OneFootForward posted 5/2/2013 09:09 AM

It is been 2 weeks for me and still I have questions. And I want to ask the same thing over and over. Maybe it is the ex-cop in me. You keeping asking for their story and listen for the changes. A liers mind can't keep up with the inconsistencies and they make new lies. Things don't add up. You have two tools the cheater does not have to find out the truth: pressure and time. But do you have the patients and the fortitude to keep asking?

Now, in our talk with our pastor (who is a certified MC, thank the Lord) he did say something that stuck, "There is what you need to know, and what you want to know." The only problem is, we don't know period. They know, and they can trickle or gas light us until the cows come home.

I really feel your pain. I don't have pain all day every day now. Now is just most of the day. I did not have any nightmares last night. I was not thinking about Om and my spouse this morning. I am now. That might not help but I figure the truth is better than a comfortable fiction.

Will you ever find someone who loves you? I don't have the answer to that. Right now you need to focus on getting over this. If you are not going to R, then I recommend not jumping into another relationship until you are well. Ok, wellis a !@#$ word. Whole is no better.

I don't think this trauma is really any different than being shot by a gun. You survived the initial trauma and now you are faced with the shooter. It does not matter if you R or D, because in your mind you want to know why they shot you. But is why they shot you as important as your own healing? Some say yes, some say no. Some say why is par t of the healing process. You may need to see a doctor, a MC and/or an IC. But you have to know it is going to take time to heal and some wounds cut deep. If you dwell on this to much, it will consume you like an infection (I am battling this infection right now). Some people have to go through multiple surgeries to just get all the bullet fragments. Some have to be reconstructed. Some have physical therapy. It may take years to get better. Then you are left with the scars, triggers and memories.

I guess what I am trying to say is we are not going to get better overnight. Not in a week and not in a month. We need to get back to the point where we are as functional as we best can because I don't think we will ever be the same. ((Hugs and tears))

"May all God's blessings descend upon you. May peace be within you may your heart be strong. May you find what you're seeking wherever you roam." -- Irish Blessing

rcantbleveit posted 5/2/2013 12:16 PM

So sorry that you both are going through this. The first couple of months is the worse. It does get better.

Good advise - not to rush into another relationship. I've seen several people do that and it usually doesn't end well.

It takes a while to peel through the layers of pain, to get back your self-esteem & confidence. Don't rush it!

As far as finding someone to love you again... It may or may not happen. You may find that you enjoy life without someone else in it.

Hugs to you both....

mchercheur posted 5/2/2013 12:37 PM

You keep asking questions because you have been thru a life altering trauma. Just as if you had lived thru a natural disaster such as an earthquake. You keep asking yourself: "what if I had taken a different way home", or "what if I hadn't decided to stop at the grocery store for chicken that night." If only I could have done something different to have prevented this from happening.

But it had nothing to do with us.
WS did it, & we have no control over them.
That is what is so hard to accept.

Skan posted 5/2/2013 15:34 PM

And you're going to ask these questions for some time. I just asked more questions of my FWH over the weekend. Same questions, slightly different way. Because sometimes the pain does well up, like an abscess, and needs to be lanced.

I also think, early on, that your mind will only allow you to absorbe so much at a time. That it tries to latch onto one solid thing and sorta gloss by or shelf understanding too much. I think that if you instantly understood and knew all, that the pain might actually kill you because Lord knows, the pain that you feel when you can't quite grasp it all is lethal enough! I think it's the mind's self-protection instinct kicking in.

Theradin posted 5/2/2013 17:20 PM

So sorry for the pain you're experiencing - I know how horrible and excruciating it is; we've all been there.

What I can say is that you are just barely past your DDay, and what you're feeling is perfectly normal at this stage. Total confusion, loss of sense-of-self, loss of self-esteem, pain, anger, sadness, despair, etc. These are perfectly normal feelings to feel in your situation.

For me, my mind works in such a way as to make things MUCH worse than reality really is. And because of that, I HAD to know all the details of everything, to bring it out of the shadows and into the light so that I could really see the reality of it, really see it the way my WW saw it. Once I finally got the true and full story (which, BTW, took MONTHS due to TTing, etc.), and I was able to see how absolutely hideous and nasty her AP was (inside and out), I no longer compared myself to him in any way. There simply is NO comparison, by any stretch of the imagination.

Knowing all this information allowed me to see it in reality instead of a make-believe scenario in my head (which was WAY more glamorous, passionate, etc.). But, let me caution you, if you do embark down that road of learning all the details, you MUST be a strong person, because it can eat you alive if you aren't (even if you are, it can still slowly eat you alive). You see, some things you hear, you will never be able to unhear, and it may haunt you for the rest of your life.

In terms of ever being loved for you being you, yes, I 100% believe that exists for EVERYONE. Maybe it's your WH, maybe it's not. Time will tell. But you certainly don't have to navigate alone in this world, and you MOST certainly should NOT navigate this world with someone who can repeatedly inflict trauma and emotional abuse upon you, which is exactly what infidelity causes.

Check out the 180 guide in the Healing Library and start focusing on healing yourself. Get a good support network, including, start meeting new people, and exploring what makes you happy. Do things you've never done before, but always wanted to (I'm sure you have such things?). Before you know it, you will feel MUCH more alive, confident, and ready to truly decide what/who you need in life, in a real, adult, mature relationship not riddled with deceit, secrecy, betrayal and abuse.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/3/2013 11:49 AM

I am the type that needed every detail, problem is my WS is such a liar who knows what is really true or not?

The thing is, the mind movies are awful and yes, once you know something, you can't un know it, so if you aren't the type that has to know then don't do it.

Ashland13 posted 5/3/2013 15:08 PM

I'm sorry for all that you're feeling.

One thing that's been hard for me is to not act or make decisions when I feel the turmoil. I'm a few months out from actual DDay, though a year alone, and have felt what you do.

My first days were such a blur that I couldn't tell the time, did not know what day it was and when the phone rang, it was in the distance, like at the neighbors house, but it was here.

It's my idea that as the betrayed people, we go through a very foggy period, while the shock consumes us.

The questions, so many questions, he finally got so mad he would stomp into another room. He ran out of patience and I simply couldn't help it. It came in rushes of thought that I couldn't control. It was all I could think of, it consumed me.

For me, the questions were part of the shock and that's why they wouldn't go away. Because I couldn't believe the answers, how could it possibly be true? Always it was in some distance place, or on tv...not in our house.

And yet, what I know now is so strange, that it wasn't even really about me. For I am still here, though I don't know how long I will be, and the A is still going on, but my life is too.

Truly I understand the feelings of inadequacy and longing for a love of my own, but it's more like I would like a companion who I don't have to get attached to or make a "commitment" to.

I am nearing four months past DDay and have more periods of being okay than the grief, though the grief still comes. When this began for me in the winter, no one could give a time frame of when the pain would ebb, it just flowed, so much.

I cried in the stores, rivers of tears. I cried while I drove, people stared at me. I cried in church while I played the organ in front of a whole congregation...but they knew what was happening in my life, many of them.

I opted out of the pills as I had had them after parent's D and found them worse with side affects.

Some of my story is written here to share to try to give explanation for when some of the pain and grief ebbs. It still haunts me, kind of like a ghost, as does his face in my mind. But when I can get hold of the thoughts and move them aside, I am better.

The first trick that worked for me was reminding myself of why I feel this pain in the first place and then, remembering that he is off doing who knows what, while I and my daughter suffer.

That brought/brings anger, which I find a better companion than the pain.

I will hope that as you gaze up at the sky, the first rays of sun will greet you and feel warm on your face...a reminder that there was life before the A.

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