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Why does this not make me feel better?

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brokensmile322 posted 5/2/2013 10:58 AM

So my WH and I are in R. I have struggled the last three to four months pretty much. Was thinking of quitting. Tried many times. WH wouldn't do it, but I could tell I was wearing him down. If I told him to get out of our bed because we were fighting, he would leave to the spare room. NEVER in our marriage have we ever slept apart. I would get furious and ask for his ring. He never would. Then he started to and I could just tell he was breaking. I kind of wanted him to, but then scared that he would. But then again, I couldn't help myself. It was all tied to this incredible rage too.

Mixed in there were good dates and times spent together. He would say to me, see this is what it is all about. This is what we are. Then I would trigger or rage or whatever and the cycle started all over.

Totally dysfunctional and not healthy at all. My kids were aware. We were both miserable.

In the past few weeks, I started to make a slight break through with my IC. I had been really thinking that OW was better than me and was comparing a lot. ANd somewhere a light switched and I just decided that she is NOT better.

I would then find myself starting to give in to trusting a bit, but then I would pull back and the cycle would begin again. Although this time I could tell I was healing a bit more each time.

My WH was getting more and more frustrated.

So now, my WH has gotten another position in his company. He will not be working with OW anymore. Further, she has put in to be relocated to a different part of the country for a SO she has been dating for awhile.

My WH is over the moon because of his new job, but also because she can now be gone for good. And while part of me is thinking that this is great, there is a part of me that still feels the need to hold on. Hold on to what? The anger, the cycle, the anger? I don't know what? Why does this not make me happy? Anyone else experience this? What did you do to fully take the step? I am so confused by myself because I have dreamt of this for forever. Anyone have any insight or am I just f-ed up?

TrustGone posted 5/2/2013 11:49 AM

I am not sure why you would not be happy that they will no longer be working together. Maybe you have gotten into a cycle of feelings and for things to change it will disrupt that cycle that you are now using to cope. (if that even makes sense) All I can say is R is a long process and we go through so many changes everyday dealing with our feelings and the fallout from the A. It takes everything we have to cope on a daily basis with the shit sandwich we have been served. Try to dig deep with your IC to try to understand why you feel this way. (((HUGS)))

brokensmile322 posted 5/2/2013 11:57 AM


Thank you for replying. I wonder about that too....that it is my cycle to cope? It's like I no longer have anything to hold me back from jumping in.

It's like moving forward is scary. I don't want him to forget and maybe I am scared to forget too or at least accept it.

Maybe it is acceptance that I need to come confused.


sisoon posted 5/2/2013 12:19 PM

Trusting again is very difficult, IME. I'm 17 months ahead of you, and it's still a sticking point for me. I think I hold on to A feelings out of fear of trusting too much again. Maybe we're in the same model boat.

Our MC helps a lot on this. I talk MC and W listen and respond. We make progress slowly - but fast enough. So I recommend considering MC - if you're in MC, I suggest raising this issue in a session.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/2/2013 12:47 PM

There is a distorted comfort in familiar pain.

Like what Trustgone said, I am familiar with the cycle and the feelings involved. That familiarity give me a sense of power or control.

When things change, even for the better, familiarity is gone and so is the sense of control.

Safeguard posted 5/2/2013 13:19 PM

Couple things came to mind, as I read your post op...

My ex got a promotion after his A and he was all happy about it. He was acting all Pie-In-The-Sky excited,just like he acted when he was starting his A. it was a huge trigger for me.

Plus it felt like he was getting rewarded somehow...better job, recondition, ect...

I also worried about new, (attractive female) co-workers. It was a difficult time emotionally,
for me. Like you I had a hard time figuring out, exactly why, at the time.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 1:20 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

Theradin posted 5/2/2013 16:37 PM

I think what you're feeling is 100% normal. Although everything you've described about your WH's new job, the OW moving away, etc., all sounds really good. There is a part of you that is still very much hurting from the trauma and emotional abuse inflicted upon you by your WH.

Think of it this way - by way of analogy - you go to find that all your bank accounts have been wiped clean and all your savings, retirement, etc., are completely gone. You panic! You are traumatized by the loss of all your financial assets. And you find out your husband had taken all the money and spent it gambling. You are furious! Well, then he comes home the next day and tells you, "No need to be upset anymore, I finally WON all the money back by making a HUGE gambling bet. So, I've put all the money back in our accounts, retirement, etc., just like it never happened!". Do you think that if he put everything back you would then all of a sudden feel OK about everything, like it never happened, or just like Oh Well? Of course you wouldn't. It's because you are still experiencing pain from the deceit, etc., that your husband inflicted upon you. Even though he put EVERY SINGLE PENNY back in those accounts. Hell, say he even added another 10% for 'good measure'. You still wouldn't be bouncing off the walls with excitement. It's because of the fact that the person you trusted the most, loved the most, etc., violated your trust, betrayed you, etc. You just simply cannot 'get over it' by instantaneous corrective actions (deposit $$$ back in accounts, OW moves to a new place, WH gets new job). Those are all things that are instantaneous in time versus PROVEN time and time again, over time.

Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself as much time AS YOU NEED to heal. That being said, I strongly recommend setting a time 'limit' on healing whereby you can stop and reassess how you feel and if you think it even makes sense to keep feeling that way for a very long time, if not the rest of your life. My IC told me to reassess 1 year from my first DDay (technically, my first DDay was back in 2006, but I didn't learn about it til way later, so I don't count that one). Maybe 1 year works for you? Maybe 2? Maybe 3? It's all a personal choice. Just try not to rush yourself into healing before you are ready. You'll know in your heart when you are there (whether or not you're 'there' with your WH or not).

PeaceLove187 posted 5/2/2013 18:46 PM

What Theradin said. This major huge thing happened in your life and now people are moving on from it, life is moving on. But that happened and you still have this huge hole it blew in your heart and how is it possible that life can just go on? Nobody has fixed your hole yet. You need to stay there where the damage was done and stare at it longer, you need it to really mean something and be recognized for what it was, but life just keeps going on.


IGaveItMyAll posted 5/2/2013 18:50 PM

Sometmes I think when we feel normal that our mind tells our heart you can't feel that way. Almost like a drug... we need that shot of hurt. I wonder if our thoughts sabatoge our chances of having a good day. Like we crave that pain in order to protect or feel alive. I know I had a good week where I didn't give a shit. I was ok. then I started slipping. I could hear myself saying "oh you can't feel this way. SHE CHEATED ON YOU" I brought myself back there with my emotions and mind. Even though the A isn't happening anymore. Our spouses are back by our sides. We are all working toward a better marriage. We still can't get that out of our heads. THEY BETRAYED US. THEY CHEATED. Well I am 110% guilty of this train of thought too but the truth is YEP THEY DID. There is nothing we can do about it. I feel like allowing ourselves to rage is ok its a defense mechanism we build up. Lately I have been asking myself why do I need to feel this. We will have to move on to accepting this is our reality on our marital history. Put it behind and build toward a new future. Otherwise we will just get stuck. I don't want to get stuck. I feel like a bipolar lunatic one minute and a compassionate understanding person the next.

I listened to a youtube video by a dating coach David DeAngelo its called controlling emotions. It helped be put into perspective the control I really have on my emotional state. Its a quick listen. Whenever I start to feel insecure I listen to it. Probably like every day hahaha But its a good eye opener. Check it out. Here is the link It geared toward men so disreguard all that stuff. Anyway. I know how you feel its a crazy rollercoaster that I too can't wait to get off

Wonderingwhy11 posted 5/2/2013 19:32 PM

I can relate to what you are describing. It is the rollercoaster of emotions that go from it will be ok and I can trust WH and then back to I donít want to be hurt again. I tell myself I am strong and I will survive. I wish I had the answer that stops the pendulum of emotions. I want to be the wife who thinks her husband would never cheat. But I canít be that naÔve again. I want to feel secure. But I the A made me realize how easy WH could think about replacing me. WH says he made a mistake, he is embarrassed, he was foolish. But sometimes it doesnít help because I think why you couldnít realize this before you decided to have an affair. I tell myself I will survive. I can take care of myself. I value myself. I try not to give into the angry emotions. It is getting easier. I think it just takes time and a WS who really wants a better relationship.

blakesteele posted 5/2/2013 19:51 PM


Some great responses to your post. PeaceLove187 particularly resonates with me. I can relate to this hey, wait, this bomb just went off right HERE....where is everybody going?!?!? feeling.

I see you are just past your 1 year mark...maybe that plays into this too.

I have dysfunctional moments in my life girls are aware of this struggle.

My wife and I are committed to working through this dysfunction and get to the other side for many reasons...not the least of which is to help model what the dealing with the WORST is like when our girls prepare to take the FOR BETTER OR WORSE vows themselves.

Be patient. Be still. Two tips I am not good at, but have some success in doing this...just a few moments, but I have seen this I am encouraged to do it again.

Hang in there. Try to enjoy the present moments that are good and continue to move towards acceptance of this trauma.

I am only 9 months out from discovery...4 months out from the dreaded fog....hardly a leader on this post...but hope it comforts you in some ways.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:52 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

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