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Saddened by my part...

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brokensmile322 posted 5/2/2013 18:42 PM

So my WH is currently away for an extended business trip. He travels quite a bit for work. He always has. Part of the problem was that his A occurred while he was away traveling.

For about a year Pre A we were pretty distant with each other. Our kids were just at that age when activities can take center stage and honestly, we both got complacent and lazy. You stop planning dates, doing small things for each other and making time to be together. All this leads to distance and then resentment eventually. Then sex starts happening few and far between... Well you get the idea.

At any rate, now when he is gone, we talk ALL the time. Not because we have to, but because we want to. Pre A, he would call and I would say "I got nothing." Sometimes I didn't even pick up the phone.

I was just busy doing my thing with my kids. I would even joke that I never knew what he was up to or what he was doing.

And I am not excusing him here because he contributed too. But I think, looking back, that he may have tried to connect more with me than I did with him. It makes me really sad because now that we are talking all the time, I realize just how much we DID NOT talk.

I know he has said that it is lonely on the road. He has said that it is not that great waking up in a hotel room. If dinners would get cancelled, he would be alone in the room with no car. I can now understand how lonely that could be. I was insensitive I think.

The state of our marriage at that time does not give him reason to have had an EA, but I guess I coming to the idea that I can understand it. He says that he didn't even realize it. Didn't really realize how much he was talking to her because it was mostly business. No talk of feelings or anything personal. She was single too with no kids and she had a lot of time on her hands. Other people he works with have their own families. She was just always texting etc... He said he didn't feel bad texting her because she wasn't going home to a family. Her work IS her everything, even now. Now he says that he sees that she lives a very lonely life. He also sees that he didn't have boundaries. He says he understands now.

Up to this point, I have blamed him totally. I guess what this long post is about is that I am accepting that I am fault too for the state of our M at the time. I do not take blame for his EA. That's not what this is about. This is merely to say that I feel badly about not treating him well Pre A. Is that empathy and true remorse on my part. I don't know.

I don't know why I am posting this but to get this off my chest. Not looking for a 2x4... Just wondering if this is part of the healing process. I don't know.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:45 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

kansas1968 posted 5/2/2013 18:50 PM

I think that your empathy for your husband and you acceptance of why your marriage was not ideal pre affair is probably one of the hallmarks of a couple that is going to make it through this.

When I first found out I blamed myself totally. We had drifted so far apart, mainly because of me, and I just allowed it to happen. I think I really had just fallen out of love with him.

So I told him that while I would never take the blame for an affair, he had other options, I would certainly take a lot of the blame for why our marriage was failing.
In a way, I think the affair may have saved our marriage, but it still hurts like the devil and I never went through such pain in my life. It was like a bucket of cold water in my face.

I still ranted, raged, and went through everything that any BS goes through, but at least I knew that he was unhappy and just took the wrong path to make that better.
It still takes a long time to build trust, but it has been two and a half years since DDay and it is much better. Not perfect, but much better.

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