We were having a casual conversation over dinner about transparency, etc., and I mentioned an off-comment in response to her saying that she is being totally transparent and open with me. I told her that I still felt a slight bit like she was being secretive in some respects. She asked me to explain, and I told her that I thought it was odd that she deletes all of her sent emails from her Sent folder, and recently (starting a couple/few months ago) started deleting most all of her text messages from her cell phone. Her response about her emails was that she likes being tidy, and has always done that (maybe she has, maybe she hasn't - I don't know cuz I don't check or anything).
When I asked why she deletes most all of her text messages, she got irate and left the room to be alone and cool down. So, I don't have an answer from her at this time, but it still seems weird to me to do that. Keep in mind, she has given me "access" to her phone and email, neither of which, BTW, I have checked because I'm trying to trust her. However, when I do things for her on her phone (e.g., she asks me to reply to someone on a text, or I do an update on her phone IN HER PRESENCE, etc.), I happened to notice that most all of her texts are deleted from people she texts with on a daily basis. It just seemed odd to me because I don't do that at all. There is no sense of being "tidy" by deleting a person's name from the text message list, as it will simply be repopulated in the same fashion upon receiving the next text from them.
Sure, I can understand trying to be tidy by deleting all the sent emails from a sent folder (again, not like it takes of place on your desktop or computer, and there is no quota limit on email box sizes for us, etc.).
So I guess I'm wondering if this is normal behavior? If this is indicative of a transparent, honest and open relationship?
Let me say that I am 99% sure there is NC between her and her AP (or any of the other guys she was having an EA-like behaviors with). But I guess that begs the question, then: Why delete texts and sent emails if there is nothing to hide? No "questionable" behaviors or messages? I guess I wonder that because I have never done that. I have every sent email I've ever sent in my Sent folder (dating back to at least 2007 or 2008), and I also don't delete my texts (they take up absolutely NO room on our model of cell phones, of which we both have the same, with the exception being that I had to delete ALL my texts a couple days ago when my phone kept rebooting on me whenever I tried to send a text. Upon deleting everything and rebooting, the problem has been fixed).
Any thoughts, comments, opinions, advice? Greatly appreciated!
[This message edited by Theradin at 9:00 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
We are in R.
Your Dday count frightens me and the fact she TTd up until a month ago, she is on thin ice to say the least. I don't like her defensive act either. She better count her blessings and treat R as a gift that it is.
Ask her to stop deleting her messages as it will help build trust. If she doesn't like it, show her the door. This is no game and you are being too kind. Make her accountable
she got irate and left the room to be alone and cool down.
NO NO NO NO NO. That's not how it's supposed to be in R. She is supposed to be offering you her phone, undeleted, to prove to you that she can be trusted.
So sorry to say, but she is hiding something.
And I will add that maybe she did always delete them before. But you know what? Now she should refrain from her urge to be tidy to prove she is on the up and up.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
What she is doing is normal behavior for someone who needs to hide things. Tell her no more. At all.
In addition, her storming out? Classic sign of nonremorse and affair thinking.
So, to your question: No. Not normal. Does she clean out her inbox or only the sent? Does she delete the trash folder? Do you have access to the trash folder? Whereas my WH was trying to play it cool and let me see texts to colleagues other than OW so it wasn't too suspicious, yours may be taking a scorched earth approach under the guise of being "tidy". Only you know if this is consistent with her personality generally.
As others have said, even if it has always been her habit, R means she stops now. Maybe she can posptone her deletion until you've looked at her phone. She should be glad to have the opportunity to rebuild trust (that's a lot of d-days!). However, I see a red flag with her getting upset about it. That seems defensive and deflecting.
(((Hugs))). It may be time to go back to investigative mode.
Sorry bro, either she is still in the fog or the A has gone underground.
Transparency is not giving you a pre-cleaned phone. My guess would be her next step would be a hidden E-mail account tied into a pre-paid phone. She will probably abide your request in some fashion to placate you though.
Keylogger and vigilance. She should be offering you every text she receives.
The only privacy in a marriage is closing the bathroom door.
Until recently, I would put emails I was done with from my in box into the trash folder. Then I realized that the trash folder empties itself every so often. So I made my own trash folder that I can put stuff in so it won't disappear (so BH can look if he wants), and it keeps my inbox tidy.
I only say this because my WW did exactly that and she was hiding messages from me.
Since getting caught, ending the A and attempting recovery she doesn't delete any more.
I have to agree with everyone else. Red flags!
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
Here's an update on our situation. I explained to my WW that although she likes to be tidy and clean up her email, I think I would feel more comfortable if we met in the middle on this. So, she'll continue to move items to the trash, but will no longer empty the trash. That way, she can still be tidy by keeping a clean Inbox, Sent folder, etc., but the Trash folder will be no longer be emptied.
In terms of deleting text messages, after calming down, she explained to me that she started doing it with her new cell phone because she didn't want to "bog it down with a lot of text messages because it's a new phone and she wanted to really keep it in good condition and not have a lot of texts negatively affect its performance". Our cell phones have a ton of memory and processing power (Samsung Galaxy S3), and this is not an issue whatsoever, so I explained that to her, and she said she would no longer delete her text messages, too.
I also told her that I don't delete my Sent folder or text messages, and to be fair, at any time she can look at mine. In fact, I encourage her to do so, so she sees that the road goes both ways with us, in terms of transparency, openness, etc.
So, in short summary: No more clearing out the Trash or Sent folder (but still keeping the Inbox tidy), and no more deleting text message threads.
Thanks again for all your support on here - it really means so much to me to not feel alone and totally confused with how I feel about behaviors while we work through R!!
He doesn't delete anything off his phone now. Of course, he gets all pissy when I check it without him present. But that's another post.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
i am not saying that she is cheating...but deleting anything is a red flag.
I also don't buy her excuse regarding the texts and slowing down the phone. I would still be cautious.