Attempting R is incredibly hard work from what I can see. To achieve a successful R in many ways seems to be a painful process.
Have you read these links?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/consequences.asp
If he wants to work at the marriage will he go to IC first to work out why he had his affair?
I cut and pasted some of the following for my WH to read -
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250
As far your parents - you need to be clear to them that this is what you want and that you want them to support you. It may take them years to come around - maybe never or maybe they will be supportive right from the start.
In the book by Linda MacDonald called How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, it suggests that the WS apologise and seek forgiveness from the parents.
Have you read it? It is a short read - couple of hours. If your husband is serious about R - he should be keen to get hold of it and read it. It is a great little book and well worth both of you reading.
Good luck!
[This message edited by avicarswife at 3:48 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]
"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty
You often know what is best for you even though it wouldn't have been one of your top 50 choices.
I was divorced when I was 25. My husband and I had been together since we were 17. We had a huge fight one night and I left. I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks. I came back, went to marriage counseling, but it was over. And I later realized, that once someone has reached the point where they are really willing to walk out that door, it's over. You still might not WANT it to be over, but it is.
I'm not saying I got over it overnight. Actually, I instituted NC, and it still took 2 1/2 years. We're casual acquaintences now, but only in the last year or so. We didn't have kids together, but I was pregnant the night I walked out on him and later miscarried.
I know you probably want a two parent family for your kids, and you probably want the infidelity to never have happened. But that's not what R is. R isn't everyone pretending the infidelity never happened. It's in your face day after day for the rest of your stinking life. Some days I have no idea what the point is. Really.
I didn't leave my WH on Dday for a lot of reasons, but the big one is that I learned the first time around that once someone leaves, it's over. There are some people who will tell you "we got back together..." and they did, and there are happy people who've done that, but it's a minority.
Stay the course. After 6 months, you would know if R was an option, not wonder. one poster here was separated from her husband for 6 months ... he ended the A and went NC from day one, went to AA meetings once or twice a day the entire 6 months, went to IC, apologized to everyone they know...
Is that how your WS is acting?
If he is JUST now telling you the A ended, then you have no idea how serious he is.
Someone who is serious about R, would have ended the A immediately on Dday, SHOWN you he ended it, gotten himself in counseling and would be working his tail off to woo you back and make up for the devastation he has caused in your and your children's lives.
He has been cake eating since the day you caught him. Nothing beyond tears and words in a phone call is what you have to go on.
Ignore the tears and words. What have his actions been? His actions are he has been sleeping with you and his AP. That is not R.
He needs to start ACTING like he wants to R BEFORE you R.
180 him hard.
That way, if he is serious about it, that could jolt him into IC and sorting himself out properly, and proving to you how serious he is about R. Or maybe I'm being too soft, and he should go about taking action himself without any input from you? I don't know here. I'm wondering if he thinks that there's no chance whatsoever that he may become even more depressed, and continue along the same route of behaviour feeling that there is no hope.
To put this into perspective (or so you know where I'm coming from)...I didn't give fWH hope that we could reconcile as such as I left him too, but I did start to talk to him a few days after I left because we have a child together and I realised that he was at such a low he could have taken his own life and my son would end up with no daddy. It started as pity for fWH and concern for my son basically. It was him who then read hope into me talking to him, and went to IC off his own back etc.
Saying that, my situation is very different. It didn't take 6 months for reality to hit him and I wonder if perhaps he has got back in touch with you because OW actually ended it?
As for explaining things to your parents- I understand this as I felt similarly. I ended up writing them a long letter explaining that I loved them etc, but I was the one living my life, and I had to make my own decisions and make my own mistakes. I've grown and changed so much since then that I don't think I'd feel the need to explain myself to them in the same way. I'd speak to them face to face now, and just ask that they accept my decisions as we all love each other...
The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.
