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MOTruth posted 5/2/2013 22:01 PM

I never thought I would need a site like this, but am so glad it exists now...

Recently I became suspicious that my wife was cheating on me with another woman. A few days ago I got hard evidence and confronted her about the affair. At first she lied, then I told her I had evidence. She caved and told me everything. It was with a new friend, which had recently (and quickly) escalated to best friend status. While it started out as a friendship a few months ago, it then turned into an emotional relationship, and they have been physically involved for the last month.

They had become friends through our children's school and began hanging out all the time. I work out of town frequently and they would spend the night at each other's houses while I was gone. As a result of this, our kids and hers have become very attached to each other and I noticed big changes in all of their behavior.

When I would come home, our children would have withdrawal symptoms from not seeing the other kids. My wife and the other woman would talk on the phone for hours, text all the time (then delete the messages), and they would meet to walk early in the mornings. It was effecting our kids schooling, the housekeeping, not to mention our own relationship.

I knew my wife had been with another woman once before we ever met. Before we married, she told me that it was a one-time thing and that part of her life was over. When I confronted her about the affair she said she had never cheated on me during our ten year marriage, until now. I have to say I believe her... I've never had any reason to be suspicious before.

I love her very much, and have put a lot into our marriage and our kids. So has she. We have experienced typical bumps in the road, but we've always managed to make things work. Besides the affair, she has been a good wife and a wonderful mother, and part of me is willing to forgive her and try to save the marriage on the condition that she never do this or contact the other woman ever again.

However, another part of me is doubtful that saving the marriage will ever lead to full healing or long-term happiness for either one of us. They have become very emotionally involved and I asked her if we had never met, never got married or had children, if she would want to be a couple with this woman and she said yes. I also asked her if she thought that since it was with another woman it wasn't as bad as if it had been with a man. She said yes, but then acknowledged that it was infidelity, no matter what the gender was. It also bothers me that she has carried on this affair in the presence of my children. To my knowledge, they never showed physical affection in front of them, but certainly in our own bed, with kids sleeping or playing in the next room.

She has shown remorse for her actions and has agreed to NC. My main concern right now is with the kids. I grew up in a broken home. My father cheated on my mother. I swore when we got married, along with my wife, to do whatever I could to create a rock-solid marriage and family environment for our children to grow up in. Now that this is at risk, I am at a total loss.

I know that every option will have its own set of pros and cons, but since I've never been at this crossroads before, I have no idea where to go from here. Thanks in advance for any suggestions, and encouragement.

OK now posted 5/2/2013 22:15 PM

One of your main problems is going to be getting your WW to maintain NC. Frankly she is deeply in love with the OW and probably has no intention of keeping to NC; the affair will go underground.

You will be out of town frequently, as in the past, and the temptation will be too much. If you relocated away from the temptation maybe; but otherwise its likely to be a struggle to rebuild.

Very often the emotional ties between bisexual women can be very intense; maybe because of a deeper understanding of mutual needs. Its going to be so difficult to keep the lovers apart; the main hope is that her obligations to the children will compel here to maintain NC and devote herself to your marriage; especially if you threaten divorce. Takes a lot of self-discipline though.

MOTruth posted 5/2/2013 22:25 PM

Thank you OK now. I forgot to mention that the OW's husband has threatened physical harm to my wife if he sees her. I'm not saying that would keep her from slipping up, but it does factor in.

Skan posted 5/2/2013 23:20 PM

Well, thank goodness that he knows. Two pairs of eyes are much better than one.

First off, welcome to a place that you, nor any of us wanted to know existed on the web. But thank goodness you found us for support. We are here to support you.

If you have not done so already, please check out the yellow box in the upper left corner. Click on The Healing Library and start reading. There's a lot of good information there for you. Next, any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye on it is also a good source of information for you.

Next, I would say that getting IC (individual counciling) for the two of you is a good idea. Is it possible that you can ask to work in town for the next few months at least? Because of family matters? That might be of great help in the near future for you. Obviously she must agree to NC with the OW and complete transparency with all of her electronic devices. You'll need to figure out what your absolute drop-dead demands are to stay in the marriage. One good thing is that you already have a contact in the "enemy" camp, as it were, the OW's BH. But other than keeping the OW busy with her own family reconciliation, if possible, you really can't count on him keeping tabs on two women who may be determined to lie to be together.

The biggest think is for you to detatch a bit and figure out what you need, for your healing, for you to stay in the marriage. Maybe this is a deal breaker for you. But you need the time and space to decide that. In you own good time.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/2/2013 23:40 PM

This is kind of complicated because not only do you have to deal with the *betrayal* issue, you also have to deal with the *sexuality* issue.

I think that your WW really needs to explore the sexuality issue and determine if she's bi- or if her actual preference is women. Because if she is bi-, then you can deal with this in the typical fashion--where her choice is between her marriage or her *other life*. However, if she prefers women and has just been repressing that because of <whatever> reason, then that opens up a whole new can of worms because you won't really be able to have an authentic, intimate marriage if she is using you as a *beard*, kwim?

I know of a member here who has dealt with something similar....I'll see if I can conjure him up for you. (he's in R with his WW and he is very kind and encouraging).

But this:

OW's husband has threatened physical harm to my wife if he sees her

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:41 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

Ashland13 posted 5/3/2013 08:22 AM

I'm sorry for your difficult time, MOTruth.

While my STBXH (soon to be ex husband) has not shown any tendancies of bi sexuality, it has been revealed that he has hidden other sexual things from me for our entire 20 year relationship. I don't quite know how he managed it but he did.

There is a thread of "unique" sexual situations in his large family so in some cases it was always a relief that he seemed like one of the most...every day male in the group.

But what I suspect is that part of the reason he married me was to keep up a front of being a regular person with nothing hidden in the closet.

I agree wholeheartedly with the posts about your wife's sorting out her sexuality issues, despite how hard it may be to wait it out. In the end, it may be a lot less confusing for both of you.

Several instances with people I've met over time have resulted in one of the pair/couple being bisexual or gay, but the spouse didn't know. Other instances have happened where a person switches after divorce.

I wish you well and some periods of peace and insight that will grow, so that the down periods become the small ones instead.

sisoon posted 5/3/2013 16:07 PM

Since my W had an A with a woman, too, I'll share some thoughts and some of my experience.

First, you're not alone. There aren't a lot of us here whose WSes had a same-sex A, but there are a few. There's a thread in ICR, but it's not very active. Still, you might find it useful.

Second, I've been on SI for over 2 years, and my sense is that an A is essentially the same trauma no matter what gender the ap is. My struggles seem to be pretty much like most other BSes' struggles, and the words other BSes find helpful are the words I tend to find helpful.

R for me required the same stuff everybody else seems to need: NC, willingness to answer any and all questions I had without TT (trickle truth - the FAQs section has most of the acronyms you'll see here), transparency (W keeps me informed of whereabouts and companions at all times), IC, MC. My own special requirement - that W court me - turns out to be not so special - lots of BSes want to be courted by their WSes, for pretty much the same reason I do.

My W committed to R on D-Day, but I held back - I didn't want to say 'Yes' to R until I knew I could say 'No', too. And I didn't want to commit myself to more potential pain unless I saw my W was willing to make the changes necessary to become a great partner.

One of the earliest issues I raised was whether she was willing to commit to monogamy with me and whether she was gay or bi (the obvious answer - bi - is the one we're working with).

The big questions you need to answer, IMO, are what do you want and what does your W want. If your answers are aligned positively, and if you have or adopt the same vision for your M, R is possible. If you've got different visions, R sounds pretty iffy.

I was a wreck for several months after D-Day; most BSes here report something similar. If this had hit when I was a road warrior, I don't know how I would have coped.... Note: IMO, the quickest way through this crap is to feel your feelings. The worst way is to stuff 'em. What are you doing with your feelings?

What's your W doing to change the thoughts and feelings that allowed her to cheat? IMO, a WS needs IC - they just have to much garbage built up to be able to change without help from outside.

At 28+ months out, our M isn't as good (i.e. pleasurable) overall as it was before W's A, but some of it is definitely better. The pain of the A is still a sticking point. But we're both committed to making our M great, and that means we're a lot happier together than apart. I continue to believe that R is the best choice for us, and I see almost weekly posts here from people who are happy they R'ed.

So some people heal and R. Alas, there's no single road through this hell, and there's no single formula for getting through it - but rest assured you can heal and thrive.

MOTruth posted 5/4/2013 07:22 AM

Thank you for everyone's posts... Very thoughtful and enlightening. I have a lot to think about and I realize this is going to take a long time to sort out no matter what I decide.

Gonnabe2016,

I have spoken with the other husband and he assured me he had said that in a moment of anger on his d-day and would not try to hurt my wife. He is going to fight for his family and try to make it work. We have both agreed to the NC between our wives. Obviously, he is hurting and devastated just as I am.

Snowy posted 5/5/2013 21:35 PM

Hi Mo

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My wife had an affair with my daughter's youth leader, a woman. This was after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids.

I can honestly say I never saw this coming or was prepared for it.

As some one has already mentioned, the first step is your wife needs to be honest with what she really wants. Is it a marriage with you or a relationship with the other woman? If it is with the other woman I am affraid your marriage is over and you need to take steps to protect yourself emotionally.

If it is a marriage with you then NC needs to happen.

Just some things I have learnt;

1. The first couple of months I was in shock. Didn't believe it was happening.

2. You can not make a person be married to you. A good marriage requires both people to work at it. Don't fall into the trap of doing the work your WS is suppose to be doing. The last thing you want is a one sided marriage. If she doesn't go NC then you need to question if she is really in your marriage.

3. Go to IC. Every affair creates anger and issues. A same sex affair had further complications. You need to talk to some one to work through the issues you will feel.

MOTruth posted 5/11/2013 11:52 AM

Thanks everyone for your posts. I know each one of you are struggling with your own situations and I feel for you. Your words, and this site in general, have been very helpful.

Here's an update:

We've gone to a MC once. Some questions about her sexuality came up, but to no resolution. She still says she's in shock that it happened. She has been emotionally unresponsive to me and appears to be numb by the whole thing.

This has opened up a lot of other issues with our marriage, including our beliefs. We'd always recognized the differences and made things work anyway. But now she's wondering, as I have been, if it's best for us to be together in the long term.

So far she has agreed to NC, but now she told me she wants to meet with the OW one last time in public to "get some closure" on the whole thing. She's saying she needs this to move on because of how they we're best friends before it went to the PA.

I'm not sure what this means, but it doesn't feel right. I told her she could write her a letter, and say everything she needs to in it, but she say's that's not what she needs to move forward.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/11/2013 12:21 PM

Closure is just a bunch of garbage, really. It's an excuse to get to see someone one more time to see if they are willing, or able, to give it another go. I mean honestly, I've been divorced twice, have several ex boyfriends, I've never had a "closure" meeting with any of them. It's over, it's over. I've had guys leave me before, and I never had a burning desire to see them one more time to find out what happened or why. And let's not forget, the WW's in this situation know EXACTLY what happened and why they can't be together. So what's there to close? Urgh.

I'm very saddened that she is questioning her future with you. That doesn't sound like a very remorseful WS who regrets what they've done and wants to fix it. Hopefully it's just a momentary lapse and she'll want to work on herself and fix this M.

tushnurse posted 5/11/2013 13:13 PM

My H had to see his AP about 4 times to get his closure. Of course that was BS. You are doing the right thing by saying no.

OK now posted 5/11/2013 14:16 PM

that's not what she needs to move forward.

Screw her needs, she should be obsessing over how to rebuild her marriage, not trying to find a way of seeing her lover one more time.

Bet the next suggestion from WW will be for her to move out and live alone for a while to analyze her marriage and what she really needs out of the relationship. Oh, and restart the affair since she now has the opportunity and desire.

She's deep in the fog and doesn't want to get better; its going to be sheer hell to get her to abandon her true meaningful, made in heaven, romance.

Hope you have a lot of staying power
and patience. Your'e going to need an awful lot of both.

Skan posted 5/11/2013 20:43 PM

You know, you can't control what she does. No one has the power to control anyone other them themselves. But, you can control what your response is.

"WW, there is no room in our marriage for three people. NC means no more contact. At all. As of now. If you want to see OW, then you are choosing to break your agreement to NC. And if you do so, I will have to re-evaluate how I feel about staying in this marriage. It's your choice to break NC or not. It's my choice if this is a deal-breaker for me or not."

Good luck. She is still definately in the fog of deception.

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 21:19 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't believe she let your children get involved like that. That to me is the really selfish part about this whole thing. I know you said you were out of town a lot, but where was OW husband when your WW was sleeping over??

(I don't mean to imply the cheating wasn't selfish. It's just that I would try to keep my kids from sordid things. Sleeping with your AP with your kids in the house to me is sordid).