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knightsbff posted 5/2/2013 22:31 PM

Tonight at the ballpark we ran into the fAP's BW. I'm sure both fAP and his BW were there watching their son play ball. Apparently my girls and I walked past her although I didn't see her. The girls said, "mom, why did that woman call you a witch."

I said, "I didn't see her but she was probably talking to someone else." They asked me in front of BH and he immediately got concerned. By the end of the game she had walked past him and he knew she must have seen me earlier.

We live in a small town. My BH is so upset and triggered. We want so badly to protect our kids from what I've done but it may not be a possibility.

My BH and I have told no one other than our ICs and clergy at his request but it's her right to tell whoever she decides to tell and my whole family, kids included, may have to suffer the consequence of what I've done.

I understand this but it doesn't make it any easier if my kids suffer public humiliation because I'm their mom. And my BH certainly doesn't deserve that either. He's a good man and his reputation will be tarnished because of me.

We are on a family trip, we left right after my son's ball game and we will be driving in the car for 4 hours tonight.

My BH is so triggered and upset right now he can hardly speak to me. This is a weekend trip he has been waiting for since February and now I fear it's ruined for him.

We have both been working so hard on healing and this chance meeting has set us right back. And it will probably keep happening as long as we live in this sucky little town. I guess I should be grateful my BH didn't have to see the fAP instead of his BW.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:25 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 5/2/2013 23:24 PM

I'm so sorry. That's awful. Do you want to tell your kids that you hurt someone and you are sorry for it? Just so that they are armed with something if it happens again.

I hope the trip ends up ok.

knightsbff posted 5/2/2013 23:39 PM

That's something to think about. Right now I'm feeling paralyzed with fear and unsure how I can support BH through this night.

We got 1 hour from home and realized we forgot our tickets and had to turn around. NOT a good start.

thecaves posted 5/3/2013 13:15 PM

I understand how you feel as my fAP and her BH live two doors down. Our kids play with their kids. We used to be friends. We have also not told anyone except one pair of very trusted friends and we have no idea who they may have told.

Moving might be the only way to avoid this obviously huge trigger. Have you considered that?

badchoice posted 5/3/2013 13:35 PM

I hope your trip goes well. I am sorry it had to start this way.

My kids were friends of my APs son, so I can relate.

Best of luck on the trip.

pollybuddy posted 5/3/2013 14:17 PM

I'm a BW, no stop sign, hope that's ok.

I'm so sorry you are going through that. We too live in a very small town, and run-ins are inevitable.

OW and I sort of agreed way from the beginning that when we run into each other (often), if there are others present who do NOT know about the A (and most people don't), we would be as 'normal' as, say hi, chit chat if unavoidable. This is especially true when any of the kids are present, as neither of us wanted our kids to know what happened.

I doubt you can get that kind of agreement from this BW, OW and I were very close friends before this happened.

I agree with maybe just telling your kids the generic "I hurt so and so and she is still upset"...would they accept that?

Again, I'm sorry, small town life after an A is hard.

Neithan posted 5/3/2013 19:09 PM

I guess I should be grateful my BH didn't have to see the fAP instead of his BW

And what do you think will occur when that does finally happen? Or do you think he'll never cross paths with your AP?

Consequences don't stop just because the affair has stopped. In the situation you describe (small town), it's quite possible your kids will hear about the affair someday.

So I hope you'll work out appropriate action plans to deal with consequences. Including considering telling your kids yourselves, rather than waiting on the chance they hear it from others. (Told only the minimum necessary facts for them to hear, and adjusted for age-appropriateness of course.)

LA44 posted 5/3/2013 20:07 PM

hmmmm, wondering how old your children are?

My kids are only 8/6 and when I was crying/short on patience back in Dec., I told them that someone hurt mommy's feelings and that I was very sad. But that I would be okay. I explained that in time my heart would feel better. Kept it simple/they could relate to having hurt feelings.

Telling them you hurt someone is an option. This is just me but depending on their age, I think telling young kids/teens about their mom or dad's affair is not a good idea.

I live in a small town but the affair person does not live around here. Thank goodness. I feel for you, your H and your children. I feel for all of the parties.

I hope you and your H can talk about this moment and then try to enjoy the trip you have been looking forward too. Perhaps after this, you can decide how to proceed if/when this happens again.

mchercheur posted 5/3/2013 20:38 PM

BW here. No stop sign so I hope its ok if I post.
All 4 of our kids ( who were ages 11, 13, 17 & 19) guessed on their own why WH & I were separated. Our youngest even guessed who the OW was, since she had been to work with her Dad during the A----she came to me one eve & said "Is Dad out of the house because ***** is his girlfriend?".
I know this made us both ( WH & I) feel terrible.
WH & I are R now, & things seem to be fine between him & the kids, although they don't talk about it.
Knightsbff, your kids love you & they see you
& your WH together & that you care about each other. No matter what happens in the future, your kids still have that rock solid foundation of an intact family. You will get thru it together. So don't stress out about "what ifs" in the future right at this moment.
Just be there for your BH tonight. You are a team. One day at a time.
Best of luck.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:35 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

knightsbff posted 5/3/2013 22:21 PM

Thanks all for your replies and support. BS replies are appreciated always. We are both a bit frayed but enjoying our family weekend. We both get kind of raw after something like this happens. We saw maroon 5 today. Wake up call... Neither of us enjoys music as much as we used to.

We would like to move. BH's parents moved to this town to be near us. So it would be an unpopular decision. We are keeping ourselves open to the idea.

I feel like we should tell the kids something like that. BH and I will need to talk about it.

When BH runs into fAP he will be horribly triggered and upset. I don't think BH will do anything because he wouldn't want legal problems. I just dread BH ever having to deal with that but I'm sure it is inevitable.

My kids are two DDs 21, and 14 and a DS 9.


Just be there for your BH tonight. You are a team. One day at a time.

I thought a little more on your question. Seeing the fAP will be harder on my BH than seeing his BW. The BW triggers BH because she is a threat. She could choose to embarrass him or hurt our kids. Even though BH and I have talked about how what I did has nothing to do with anything the AP has that my BH doesn't, it's one thing to intellectually understand that and another to be forced to look at the fAP. He has nothing on my BH but BH is still struggling with those feelings of why wasn't he enough for me. That's hard.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:40 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

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