I said, "I didn't see her but she was probably talking to someone else." They asked me in front of BH and he immediately got concerned. By the end of the game she had walked past him and he knew she must have seen me earlier.
We live in a small town. My BH is so upset and triggered. We want so badly to protect our kids from what I've done but it may not be a possibility.
My BH and I have told no one other than our ICs and clergy at his request but it's her right to tell whoever she decides to tell and my whole family, kids included, may have to suffer the consequence of what I've done.
I understand this but it doesn't make it any easier if my kids suffer public humiliation because I'm their mom. And my BH certainly doesn't deserve that either. He's a good man and his reputation will be tarnished because of me.
We are on a family trip, we left right after my son's ball game and we will be driving in the car for 4 hours tonight.
My BH is so triggered and upset right now he can hardly speak to me. This is a weekend trip he has been waiting for since February and now I fear it's ruined for him.
We have both been working so hard on healing and this chance meeting has set us right back. And it will probably keep happening as long as we live in this sucky little town. I guess I should be grateful my BH didn't have to see the fAP instead of his BW.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:25 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I hope the trip ends up ok.
We got 1 hour from home and realized we forgot our tickets and had to turn around. NOT a good start.
Moving might be the only way to avoid this obviously huge trigger. Have you considered that?
What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
My kids were friends of my APs son, so I can relate.
Best of luck on the trip.
Separated transitioning to D
I'm so sorry you are going through that. We too live in a very small town, and run-ins are inevitable.
OW and I sort of agreed way from the beginning that when we run into each other (often), if there are others present who do NOT know about the A (and most people don't), we would be as 'normal' as possible...smile, say hi, chit chat if unavoidable. This is especially true when any of the kids are present, as neither of us wanted our kids to know what happened.
I doubt you can get that kind of agreement from this BW, OW and I were very close friends before this happened.
I agree with maybe just telling your kids the generic "I hurt so and so and she is still upset"...would they accept that?
Again, I'm sorry, small town life after an A is hard.
I guess I should be grateful my BH didn't have to see the fAP instead of his BW
And what do you think will occur when that does finally happen? Or do you think he'll never cross paths with your AP?
Consequences don't stop just because the affair has stopped. In the situation you describe (small town), it's quite possible your kids will hear about the affair someday.
So I hope you'll work out appropriate action plans to deal with consequences. Including considering telling your kids yourselves, rather than waiting on the chance they hear it from others. (Told only the minimum necessary facts for them to hear, and adjusted for age-appropriateness of course.)
My kids are only 8/6 and when I was crying/short on patience back in Dec., I told them that someone hurt mommy's feelings and that I was very sad. But that I would be okay. I explained that in time my heart would feel better. Kept it simple/they could relate to having hurt feelings.
Telling them you hurt someone is an option. This is just me but depending on their age, I think telling young kids/teens about their mom or dad's affair is not a good idea.
I live in a small town but the affair person does not live around here. Thank goodness. I feel for you, your H and your children. I feel for all of the parties.
I hope you and your H can talk about this moment and then try to enjoy the trip you have been looking forward too. Perhaps after this, you can decide how to proceed if/when this happens again.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:35 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]
We would like to move. BH's parents moved to this town to be near us. So it would be an unpopular decision. We are keeping ourselves open to the idea.
I feel like we should tell the kids something like that. BH and I will need to talk about it.
When BH runs into fAP he will be horribly triggered and upset. I don't think BH will do anything because he wouldn't want legal problems. I just dread BH ever having to deal with that but I'm sure it is inevitable.
My kids are two DDs 21, and 14 and a DS 9.
Just be there for your BH tonight. You are a team. One day at a time.
I thought a little more on your question. Seeing the fAP will be harder on my BH than seeing his BW. The BW triggers BH because she is a threat. She could choose to embarrass him or hurt our kids. Even though BH and I have talked about how what I did has nothing to do with anything the AP has that my BH doesn't, it's one thing to intellectually understand that and another to be forced to look at the fAP. He has nothing on my BH but BH is still struggling with those feelings of why wasn't he enough for me. That's hard.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:40 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]