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Pass posted 5/2/2013 22:35 PM

My psychiatrist asked me how I'm feeling about my "current living situation". I had just finished telling him that I don't think the anti-depressants are helping.

I surprised myself by saying that I was feeling pretty good. I don't miss her as much; I don't drop everything when she calls; I haven't cried in a week. As long as I keep myself occupied I actually feel some happiness.

What's so fucked-up is that I have a really hard time getting started on anything. I spend forever just sitting here doing nothing when I could be working, walking, sleeping, playing music, writing, reading.

And then our session was over. We have to pick this up last week. Argh!

Why don't I want to get right at doing something, instead of wallowing in nothingness? I know that's a symptom of my depression, but it's so frustrating that I know what to do, but can't seem to do it.

I'm one fucked-up swamp dog!

PurpleRose posted 5/2/2013 22:51 PM

I had the same problem, and do still experience lulls like that. I think it's a normal reaction to a major life altering event like this betrayal.

I have found that the more I do, the more I want to do. Try to start small- make yourself accomplish one small thing tomorrow. Then you can slowly add another activity, and before you know it you will be busy once again

SBB posted 5/3/2013 05:59 AM

Your S was so very recent friend. Take some time to pat yourself on the back. I congratulated myself for just putting one foot in front of the other in the early days.

You are mourning - I understand it takes some time for the meds to kick in and also some time to find the right ones.

There's no rushing through this - the only way through it is through it.

Its not called a rollercoaster for nothing. Do little things for yourself and build on them.

I used to force myself to spend a few mins a day imagining my bright new future. It was hard in the beginning - now I do it all the time. I also take the time to savour in the present.

I think back to my dark days where I was where you are now and I am proud of myself for having not only survived it but having come out of it more intact than before DD.

You are free. Take the time to lick your wounds and mourn this. Some day pretty soon you'll find the courage to grab your freedom with both hands.

((pass)) You've got this friend.

Sunnie posted 5/3/2013 10:32 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is a normal part of grieving and healing. It will get better and as weird as it is, take your time. If you don't need to do anything (family responsibility or work) then don't. Your S is so recent. Guilting yourself with "I should to x, y, z" won't help.

I also went through that stage when I sat on the couch in my pj's all day and watched every stupid show I could. My S was in November and I don't think I started getting better until late February. Even then it was a process. Had to take steps to start doing things, easy ones first: water the plants, do 1 thing on your to-do list. Then go more advanced, make a plan for how to spend the day and pretty soon you will get back into a routine.

Pass posted 5/5/2013 22:20 PM

Thanks y'all.