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Daysie posted 5/3/2013 03:11 AM

My WH had an affair with my now EXBF a long time ago and I only found out about it recently - following his disclosure (he is ill). I contacted her and she agreed to meet and talk it through. I was so shocked by what she told me that I didn't ask the questions I should have done. My husband now says that he can't remember most of what she told me. EXBF is of course not wanting her past interferring with her perfect life and has refused to discuss this any further. I recently sent her an email asking for more information and I then received a phone call from the police telling me not to contact her again or I could be faced with criminal charges !!! At the time I was so shocked when they rang and went into panic mode that something had happened re my children, family etc that I was not thinking clearly. I now feel so angry and wondered if this has happened to anyone else in my situation.

Diva0702 posted 5/3/2013 03:21 AM

I can tell you that the police have called at my door with tales of OW even now, claiming we have done something to 'harass' or 'upset' her.

People like this have more than one enemy because of who they are and the way they behave. We have had many accusations arrive this way, but no proof of course.

We let her get on with her little paranoid pokes at us. Doesn't mean a thing. Stupid cow.

You needed answers, and there was no need for that. Did you tell the police what your motives for contacting her were? Not that they will give a shit of course, but it would be good just to let them know that she is not 'little miss innocent'.

Daysie posted 5/3/2013 03:40 AM

Hi Diva 0702,
I tried to tell them that I had emails from her confirming the affair. I think she had told them that my husband was ill and they kept saying it was such a delicate situation and they were giving me a gentle warning on her behalf.I just want her to pay for my pain - my husband is in a bad place and says the affair was so eventful that he can't even remember it She told me it lasted for 6 wks but he says he can only remember being with her twice. I just can't get past this as I don't know what really happened.

Diva0702 posted 5/3/2013 03:52 AM

Daysie, don't bother with her another second. You have seen what she is capable of (OW for us is the same 'hands up in the air waving, everybody wants to blame me and hate me' sort of thing), so let her get on with her little paranoid fits. Don't give her the opportunity to say that YOU are causing HER problems.

Seriously sweet, look to your WH. Get the answers from him. Sick or not, he is responsible for the event that caused you to be here, and he should answer any questions you have honestly.

This journey through hell on a roller coaster that's on fire is far from a pleasure ride. It usually gets worse before it gets better, so pull up your knickers and hang on tight!

In the most gentle way, your H is responsible for the choices he made, and must bear the consequences of his actions, regardless of his illness. He should not be given the opportunity to use that to deflect the issue and evade having the balls to own up to what he has done.

Of course you don't want to upset him. You are likely to still be feeling the after shock of discovery, and clinging to the life you thought you knew before this barged its way into every corner of your existance.

You came to the right place sweetheart. There are so many wonderful people here to hold you and support you while you find your way through this devastation. Share with them, and they will give you the wisdom and benefit of their insight and experience.

Hold on! Thinking of you today.

Daysie posted 5/3/2013 04:07 AM

Hi Diva 0702,

Yes I know you are right and thank you so much for all ur support. It really has been difficult with my husband because of his illness and boy do I know it was the choices he made that caused me all this pain. I have posted before and perhaps if you check them out you will see why all this has been so difficult. Thinking of you today also - sending you lots of love xxxxxx

Diva0702 posted 5/3/2013 04:50 AM

I have read your posts Daysie. Living with bipolar (and I do have some experience of its affects, symptoms and behaviours) is very hard for families, especially in the manic phases of the illness, and you have my sincere sympathy in having to deal with the fallout of it.

I am never truly convinced either way, that bipolar behaviour is ALL about the illness or whether a large part of a person's personality traits have some responsibility also. A difficult one, even for those in medicine to ascertain I fear.

What treatment does he receive? When was he diagnosed? Were you ever present during consultations? A nervous breakdown is a HUGE psychological trauma for anyone to experience, and families are always deeply affected as they watch their loved ones crumble before their eyes. Awful isn't it?

Daysie, I really do understand what this might mean to you, and I'm so sorry that you have to live with the difficulties your husband suffers also because it really is as difficult for you to live with as it is for him.

WH's refusal to share all details though (and I suspect if he told you about it in the first place, he knows more than he is prepared to reveal to you at the present time), is cruel, but unfortunately, as everyone here will tell you, it is commonplace initially.

If he continues to be unable to 'remember' (and this might well be his use of his condition to avoid further revelations), it might be prudent to set yourself some conditions of staying in the marriage (total honesty about the A being a major condition for R if that is what you want), to make your H aware that you cannot heal unless he tell you the whole story.

Does the BS of the OW know what has occured?

Daysie posted 5/3/2013 05:31 AM

Hi Diva 0702,

My WH has been in hospital twice in the past three years. He was told he has bipolar and I was present at this consultation. He is currently on anti/psychotic medication and is seeing his
psychiatrist monthly. He seems to be doing really well and is back to work. We are struggling though to move forward because of his disclosure and he is trying so hard to help me but is struggling to remember what happened with her ? My WH admits to feeling very down/high at times throughout his adult life (we did notice this - but put it down to stress at work) but never to the point that it was out of control. He thought his feelings were just him and didn't know it was an illness. He also has severe sleep apnea and had been using a new sleep mask
successfully just before his recent manic episode. He admits to having flashbacks about his affair over the years but says it was only fleeting thoughts
. When I asked him why he never told me - he said he was frightened I would leave. I did send a letter to my XBFs husband but I think she may have got to it first. I regretted doing that and felt bad that I was passing on this awful pain to someone that didn't deserve it either. I was just so devastated by it all and wanted her to see what their PA had done to us. I just feel sick about this and wonder if we can move forward. WH says he has never been unfaithful since. What a mess !!!!

Spinning180 posted 5/3/2013 06:00 AM

I had a similar situation. The OW called the police to her home and said my WH and I were harassing her and threatened to kill her. She used her twin pregnancy in this story too playing the innocent, pregnant victim. OW had police call my WH and tell him he is not to contact her again. WH hasn't contacted her but she has definitely tried contacting us. The whores have a lot of nerve and no moral compass.

Daysie posted 5/3/2013 06:22 AM

Hi Spinning180,

I just wonder if my tarty EXBF can really threatened charges being made against me for harrassment when I was only trying to find out information. Lets face it she was sleeping with my husband and therefore guilty of adultery

Spinning180 posted 5/3/2013 06:27 AM

Unfortunately in my State I couldn't use the A as evidence of anything including wanting a divorce. OW lives in a small town. I wish the cops had spoken to me so I could have at least had her little miss perfect reputation ruined!

Daysie posted 5/3/2013 06:39 AM

Yes I know that feeling - I wish I could let everyone know that "Miss Perfect" is just a Tart. She needed to have my WH because her own apparently wasn't paying her any attention.

LivinginLimbo posted 5/3/2013 09:02 AM

From someone whose H suffered from "affair amnesia", I know how hard it is. I had to dig online to fill in the gaps. In your situation, it happened so long ago that it's made doubly difficult.

We've also dealt with unwanted contact as well, but in reverse. Ultimately, my H had an attorney prepare a letter warning the MOW to stop and all communication. In our case, we got fed up while in yours, it sounds like she's running scared.

None of this is easy. I have to say, once time passes, each and every detail becomes less important. You come to accept that they had sex and where/when/how doesn't change that basic fact.

I hope that the support you find on SI helps you through this difficult time.

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