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stilltrying2025 posted 5/3/2013 09:12 AM

Well, today is going to be tough. WH doesn't have to work today so he has a lot of time on his hands. What does that mean? That usually means he starts texting his OW. I've got my depression med and anxiety med on board so hopefully when I check the phone bill I won't go into a full blown panic attack. Does anyone else out there have those days where you just know it's going to happen? I hardly slept at all last night worrying about it and today I was shaking so bad I couldn't hardly drink my coffee without spilling it. Will this feeling ever go away and will I ever get to the point that I don't care anymore? Why do I have to love this man so much? Ugh.....just venting! For full details of what is going on you can read my profile and my journal is public.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/3/2013 09:24 AM

No advice but you need a hug, so here is a big one {{HUGS}}

papoula posted 5/3/2013 09:45 AM

stilltrying, I am feeling exactly the same way. I HATE checking his phone. I have panic attack doing this as well. This isn't a life worth living in my opinion. I've thought about not checking it at all but is this a good idea? I don't know.

I didn't sign up for this when I got married.

I'm very anxious and have the shakes too. I can't function well at all. I had this excruciating pain in my chest all the long so since last Sunday I started taking St John's Wort (not sure yet if that was a good idea) but since then the pain went away, which is good but I still feel very sad, depressed and anxious.

I understand when you say you don't know what is going to happen. I'm tired of thinking about of this and I don't see where this is going or how it will get better.

I know we have to grief the end of this relationship and this takes time and we have to be patient but it is hard, very hard.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/3/2013 09:58 AM

Thanks for the hugs and comments! I take them to heart fully! As of yet he hasn't text her but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Or, since it was on the news this morning about how to use different apps to text people maybe he's going to do it that way and keep me completely in the dark. It's really hard to get to his phone as he keeps it in his pocket or next to his side all the time but at some point I will get my hands on it.

I know this pain will get better....it has to as I can't live like this any longer. 5 months of misery is enough. I've now lost 52 pounds over the situation and still counting. That's the only part that is making me feel good; I look better, feel better and have more confidence.

I just want to know.......WHY US?!?!?! What on God's green earth did any of us do to deserve this kind of pain, betrayal and disappointment????? I knew life wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it was going to be this bad.

savvy posted 5/3/2013 10:34 AM

stilltrying I feel the same way most days. I am so shaky that typing this is hard. I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my shoulders. I am worried about the next day always, how will I get through it, does anyone really care? And I ask myself the same question, why do I love this man? Do I want him back just because he betrayed me and isn't sure if he wants back. You know like a kid who wants what the other kids have but can't have it. Is it that? I don't know. The days and nights are so hard to get through sometimes I just want to give up, but then think of my children. The pain is so intense, I just don't want to feel anymore. so anyway I am too new at this to give any advice just wanted to let you know your not alone! sending you Hugs

1Faith posted 5/3/2013 10:40 AM

Still Trying

I am sorry to say these feeling WILL NOT go away until there is NC with the OW.

NC - none. Zilch.

You are hurt and devastated (understandably so) but your husbands "relationship" with this OW is more important than helping you heal? I don't understand that at all.

I am not trying to be harsh at all, please know this. I am just wanting you to see the light.

You can't heal because he is continuing to betray you to your face. SO very cruel and disrespectful. You deserve better.

You must demand NC. If he isn't willing to do that the go 180 on him. (Check out the 180 on the healing library).

Time for you to take some power back.

Keep strong and know that we are all here rooting for you.

Good luck. Believe in yourself. You are a person not an option.

(((healthy hugs)))

stilltrying2025 posted 5/3/2013 18:37 PM

I got lucky....no contact today. Don't know how that happened but thank you God! I feel much better when there is no contact, especially when he had ample time to text her. In fact, he text me this afternoon. Finally, I came to mind before her. I'm not holding my breath about anything but this is one step towards the positive instead of always the negative. We'll see how the rest of the night goes. Again, no guarantees....

eyesrnowopen posted 5/4/2013 08:43 AM

Take your power back and go 180. It is not easy but if I can do it anyone can. Read, heal yourself, look within. Empower yourself and take it away from him. You control the power over him victimizing you over and over again. Find things that make you happy outside of him.

I am a newbie too and just getting to this point of TAKING MY POWER BACK!

stilltrying2025 posted 5/4/2013 11:05 AM

Here's some Karma; he lost his phone last night! HAHAHAHA Unfortunately he'll need another one which will be expensive but he doesn't have any of his numbers anymore so if he doesn't have her number memorized well then I guess he can't text her anymore! Oh how I hope he can't find it. He's on the search now.

I'm really trying to do the 180; actually went and saw a friend for a couple hours the other evening which I haven't done since D-Day. It really felt good. I'll keep trying but don't know if it will work. I hate being so dependent on him. I absolutely hate it.

Gonna keep my chin up and just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Baby steps!

I do have to say how much I love this website and the people on here. Everyone is so encouraging and helpful. It really warms my heart; and I truly need that right now!