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powerthroughpain posted 5/3/2013 12:52 PM

So DDAY was last Wednesday, 4/24. Long story short, my wife had been having an affair with her massage trainer for about 4 months, they were in love apparently. She said she wanted me, and she wrote a no contact letter this Monday and gave it to him. She said she will need time to mourn her loss. So here I am stuck in limbo, Im mourning the loss of trust and what we had, and she is mourning him. She has slowly begun to touch me or hold my hand at night. She will text me I love u and I miss u every now and then.

However, whenever I am separate from her, I start to grow distant and I wonder why she is barely coming after me. She said that her feelings for me are slowly coming back. But I am in this space where I am afraid of pushing her because it will push her away. Do I just sit and be patient like a good boy, or do I tell her that I am losing it for her?

I do love her, but I don't know what she can give me. Ive been the giver in the relationship. I want to make this work, but I want to be honest with the way I feel. We do have a 2.5 year old daughter together.

Please Help...

[This message edited by powerthroughpain at 12:54 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

catlover50 posted 5/3/2013 12:57 PM


(those are hugs)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You may want to post in Just Found Out as well. This is SUCH a painful thing to go through.

Look into the Healing Library up in the left hand corner. Take care of yourself and your child.

I don't have personal experience with a situation such as yours, but I wanted you to know that you had been heard. Wiser people should be by soon.

So sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

dameia posted 5/3/2013 13:12 PM

I am so sorry you are here. Definitely read the Healing Library, there is a lot of great advice in there.

Right now I think you need to be honest with her. You were the one who was betrayed, you need to be able to express your feelings.

If she is truly wanting to move on with the marriage then she needs to be able to support you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes her feel.

It is said that it takes 2-5 years to fully recover from infidelity. Is she willing to put in that time and effort? Are you willing to stay with a woman who won't let you discuss your hurt, anger, and frustration with a situation that she is the cause of?

Just remember, you do not have to make any decisions right away. Your world has been blown apart. It is okay to take your time in figuring out what you want to do. When I discovered my WH's A's, I agreed to stick around for a year to see if I was able to recover my love for him and try to repair our marriage.

It isn't easy. It has been a very rough road, but my WH seems to have finally gotten it and is putting in 110% effort into fixing the damage he has caused. Do you think your W is ready to do that?

ETA: Are you two in MC (marriage counseling)? How about IC (individual counseling) for yourself?

[This message edited by dameia at 1:14 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Painfool posted 5/3/2013 13:35 PM

What dameia said. Really don't have anything more to that as I think she's covered all the bases for now.

Just wanted to say welcome to the best place you could be under these horrendous circumstances.

numb&dumb posted 5/3/2013 13:48 PM

The distancing is normal. It is a way of protecting yourself. She needs to give you a lot more before you are willing to take another risk. It is OK. BTDT.

I too was the giver and after Dday I stopped. I had to. My fragile house of self fulfillment cards crumbled as they weren't very sturdy.

I have taken a lot of time to work on things for myself. I got stronger and I am going to just fine either way this may turn out. It is important that you do that. You don't need to "earn" your W's love. It is something that should be given freely. Especially after this she is going to need to step and make a huge effort to show you that she does want you and only you in her life. Aside from that she needs to figure out why she did this and fix that broken part of her that allowed her to make such a damaging choice.

Yes withdrawal is common, but realize it isn't for the OM per se, but it was what the OM provided for her. It is like an addict in recovery. She isn't mouring him, she is mourning a horrible addiction that hurt everyone involved, including herself. If you doubt me ask her if she can look in the mirror telling herself what she has done in simple words (I cheated on my H) without crying or wincing.

This was bad for both of you. The difference is that she made the choice, you didn't.

While she deals with her addiction, use that time to become stronger yourself. IC, books (books are good for her too, both of you stay clear of Dr. Harley stuff right now).

Knowing you will be ok no matter the outcome and thereby letting go of the outcome can remind you that you are in control of your future.

powerthroughpain posted 5/3/2013 14:27 PM

Numb&dumb, thank you for you response, it resonated with me the most. I just talked with her and it was a good conversation which corresponded with some of the things you said. When I asked her again what she was grieving over, she said it was everything, not just him. She was grieving that habits she developed during the A, the irreparable damage she did to our marriage, the hurt she caused me, and she is dealing with the weaknesses that drove her to this.

She wants to make it work. She said she is afraid that every time I talk it will be to tell her that I am leaving.

I am working on myself, and of getting out of my pattern of constantly going to her to try and help her, or holding back the way I feel because I don't want to burden her (long time pattern). I told her all this and that I need to hear her fears and thoughts, and that she needs to ask me about whats going on with me, otherwise I feel left out and alone. I am also working toward that place where I would be okay with out her so that I can think clearly about this relationship.

Thank you all.

[This message edited by powerthroughpain at 2:41 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

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