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Struggling today with comparison

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Undone1 posted 5/3/2013 14:15 PM

I have done really well for the last month or so and now I am back to comparing myself with the other woman. She is one my mind a lot this week as she is suppossed to be moving back to Hawaii, which means I won't have to run into her any more!

I have been ruminating on how my body is compared to hers. She was thin, I am curvy, but still thin. She is cute, but older than both my husband and I (she is 58). In the last 3 years, while my WH was having an affair, he was not complimentary, or giving me anything but crumbs in our sexual life. I guess at 6 months anger is normal, from what I can tell.

I just feel so "embarrassed" about his looking at me, and giving her positive comments about her body. The "you are beautiful, "you feel good, you are amazing" all went to her and not to me for 3 years. So I end up not feeling good about myself!

How can I stop this constant comparing. It was "just sex" for him and he is remoresful/doing everything he can to help us heal. But, I am just in a bad spot.

I am having one of those days where I am just turturing my self and can't find any peace!

PeaceLove187 posted 5/3/2013 14:31 PM

Oh, Sweetie, you just didn't know the rules of the game. He gives her meaningless strokes which she accepts as gospel and the deal is she then gives him meaningless strokes which he accepts as gospel. It's like training a chicken to peck at a piano for food.

She wasn't that special, he was just working for her treats.

Undone1 posted 5/3/2013 15:30 PM

It does not feel that way. It feels like he gave away so much.... intimacies, my memories of my past.

I think I am just at a very low spot today and can't find my way back to loving myself. It is so difficult not to torture myself!

PeaceLove187 posted 5/3/2013 16:17 PM

Undone1--I know. We've all been there and will probably be there again on the next dip of the roller coaster. He stole things that belonged to you and gave them to her and it hurts like hell and he'll never understand how badly it hurts. But 9 times out of 10 none of it was real, it was all a fantasy and he really was a chicken working for treats. My H swore his love to his EA/PA during the A and six months after NC was saying he didn't care whether she lived or died (she had cancer). Your H is fighting for you. He's still there despite anything you've screamed at him or cried at him and despite the fact that he has to look at you and be reminded what he did. He's still there because YOU are the one he loves and finds beautiful, inside and out.

You will get through this. Hugs.

Skan posted 5/3/2013 18:58 PM

Hang in there. These low dips in the roller coaster truly suck. They tend to bring out ever insecurity that we have about ourselves. Can you do something to pamper yourself? I'm having a hell-day myself, and I just got back from a pedicure. Now, I'm not "all" better, but at least I'm more stable. And have pretty toes! (((hugs)))

Lucky posted 5/3/2013 21:27 PM

She might have been thin and cute, but inside - she wasn't so attractive was she?

Hang in there sweetie hopefully tomorrow you'll be feeling much better.

cheerless posted 5/4/2013 00:04 AM

I think it makes sense that we do this. :(

Intellectually we might understand that their A had nothing to do with us, or that they always affair down, but I think it's natural to wonder what was worth tossing away so much for.

I know it won't surprise you to know Undone that I was in comparison mode the other day too--checking out photos of AP on fb and trying to see her through WH's eyes.

I guess it's all part of the long and agonizing recovery process.

(((Undone1)))--keeping you in my thoughts.

Undone1 posted 5/4/2013 01:17 AM

Thanks so much for all of your assistance today! I have just been in a real low spot. I have tried everything I know to do to get myself out of it! I did have my nails and toes done, did some shopping for cute new clothes. Tonight we went out together, knowing that this would not go well and it didn't. Alcohol on top of emotions just leads to chaos.

Tomorrow I plan to really work on quieting my mind, saying some prayers and listening to some affirmations. After that, my daughter and I have plans.

I really do want to be able to control my thoughts and feelings! How many times can I say "it's just so hard."

Thanks again for all your support and kindness. It really does help!

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