I have been working through a lot of emotions and feelings for last few weeks. I could already predict my reaction when we make the call to tell that I wont be joining the wedding. I would cry .. hurt .... add in to guilt feelings for CL.. basically put him in a really uncomfortable position .. I din wanna do any of it but wasn’t really confident that I could be calm and handle the situation ..
I knew how I wanted to handle the situation.. Basically I din want to fall apart and expect CL to get me back together .. I don’t wanna emotionally abuse anybody ever..
To achieve this, I started breaking down my feelings and addressing them
1) I was stressed bcz I was linking CL not taking me to his decision to D.. I focused on breaking the link ..So I talked to other BSs and WSs.. (thanks!!) .. trying to separate what is he really feeling and how I am linking it ..
2) I am highly enmeshed with CL and have a really hard time separating his feelings and my feelings. So I focused on breaking the enmeshment
3) I was getting bogged down thinking how families will react .. how stressed/upset/disappointed they would be ..how I am responsible for everything .. again very enmeshed feelings .. trusting people that they can handle themselves is difficult for me.. I have this incredible urge to fix.. I was working on that too.. trusting families and CL to handle the situation and not trying to fix it
4) Letting go of the outcome.. in the end I kind of surrendered to the idea of let the future unfold and not influence it any way
5) I had created my own support structure and had all the plans of what exactly I would be doing for next 20 days when I m alone
From last weekend CL’s reaction varied from “Its over”, “I think I should take u”, “I don’t wanna take u”, “ I dont wanna go”, “Lets call right now and tell the truth”, “why did u do this?”, “why r u supporting me now”.. each of this was bringing out diff emotions for me and I was trying my level hard to maintain my calm and just listen to him and answer his questions..
The reason I m writing this is bcz as soon as he left.. I felt like “I did it…I achieved what I was trying to do” and within few seconds I started bashing myself.. it shouldn’t have to try this hard ..I had to struggle so much jus to remain calm.. I am useless.. Other people must be doing this so naturally ..
I want to change this .. I am never ever satisfied with my performance/achievements ….I always feel I could have done better ..or if I had to work so hard to achieve this then maybe I shouldn’t even try .. I don’t deserve it .. Things should be easy ..
So I just want to take a note here that I really did try and really worked hard to handle the day when we informed my absence .. and it wasn’t easy but I feel nice thinking that I din add into CL’s trouble at least THAT day..
Now that I am going its bringing in all diff sort of emotions ..
1) I am triggering badly .. I din want to focus on it as I figured I would be alone to deal with it later .. I had picked up the sitting arrangement .. the invitation cards.. menu .. decoration .. I am triggering badly.. I had everything damn thing in place .. everybody was happy and excited and Why was I determined to blow everything apart.. I am angry..sad.. helpless.. triggering .. crying .. I am not sure if I can go in that hall without crying ..
2) While talking to my MIL when she was upset about my absence I was breaking down.. I felt so ashamed and so guilty .. I am dreading the idea of facing the families
3) It wasn’t only CL who fought with his parents .. I fought with my parents too for him .. I feel like I have betrayed both the families and feeling very guilty ..
4) I am not sure how I should behave.. I keep thinking how CL wil look at it … will he not like it if I m mingling with his family .. should I withdraw and stay aloof will that help? .. should I treat this as an opportunity to build a nice relationship but then what if we tell them later .. would they think I tried manipulating them ..
5) I was alone yesterday and couldn’t find some money .. I literally froze thinking OMG this is gonna set CL off .. he is gonna get pissed off .. today I had charged my mobile and suddenly the battery started showing “battery low” (my mobile is acting funny for last couple of months) .. I was travelling and started shaking thinking OMG if my battery dried off.. that’s it CL is gonna burst with anger .. I keep fearing even a small mistake from me is gonna set him off .. I don’t know how to handle this
6) I wanted CL to take me on his own.. I am bit hurt .. I am grieving the loss of the connection we shared
7) I feel like I am a very fake person and have betrayed everybody around me .. I did discuss it in IC and she suggested that I was mixing everything up and I should treat each relationship separate
8) I was praying for plane crash but it din happen
9) How do I keep him safe?
I really don’t know with all this background how I should behave .. I keep looking at me from CL’s point of view and try to figure out how I should be behaving
When I think calmly about how *I* want to handle it:
Just give it my best.. Be the person I wanna be.. Be present fully .. help or be a part of wedding bcz I want to and not thinking about if ppl will like/gate me in future .. let go of the outcome .. personally I want to be with CL as much as possible.. Even have some fun of possible .. I want to value what I have *today* instead of focusing on what I might not have tom .. put in efforts in all the relationships as much as I can .. All I have is now..
But next min I get upset thinking what if CL looks at all this and thinks I am pretending ..what if whatever I am doing ends up hurting him more? errr.. I cant really clear my mind
But calm moments r so far apart.. I am not sure if I am thinking straight.. I have jotted down whatever comes to my mind .. I am so lost and cant really figure out the *right way* for myself … any inputs/tips/support/encouragement will be highly appreciated .. I am in no mood for 2x4 or harsh words though