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I have been working through a lot of emotions and feelings for last few weeks. I could already predict my reaction when we make the call to tell that I wont be joining the wedding. I would cry .. hurt .... add in to guilt feelings for CL.. basically put him in a really uncomfortable position .. I din wanna do any of it but wasn’t really confident that I could be calm and handle the situation ..

I knew how I wanted to handle the situation.. Basically I din want to fall apart and expect CL to get me back together .. I don’t wanna emotionally abuse anybody ever..

To achieve this, I started breaking down my feelings and addressing them

1) I was stressed bcz I was linking CL not taking me to his decision to D.. I focused on breaking the link ..So I talked to other BSs and WSs.. (thanks!!) .. trying to separate what is he really feeling and how I am linking it ..
2) I am highly enmeshed with CL and have a really hard time separating his feelings and my feelings. So I focused on breaking the enmeshment
3) I was getting bogged down thinking how families will react .. how stressed/upset/disappointed they would be ..how I am responsible for everything .. again very enmeshed feelings .. trusting people that they can handle themselves is difficult for me.. I have this incredible urge to fix.. I was working on that too.. trusting families and CL to handle the situation and not trying to fix it
4) Letting go of the outcome.. in the end I kind of surrendered to the idea of let the future unfold and not influence it any way
5) I had created my own support structure and had all the plans of what exactly I would be doing for next 20 days when I m alone

From last weekend CL’s reaction varied from “Its over”, “I think I should take u”, “I don’t wanna take u”, “ I dont wanna go”, “Lets call right now and tell the truth”, “why did u do this?”, “why r u supporting me now”.. each of this was bringing out diff emotions for me and I was trying my level hard to maintain my calm and just listen to him and answer his questions..

The reason I m writing this is bcz as soon as he left.. I felt like “I did it…I achieved what I was trying to do” and within few seconds I started bashing myself.. it shouldn’t have to try this hard ..I had to struggle so much jus to remain calm.. I am useless.. Other people must be doing this so naturally ..

I want to change this .. I am never ever satisfied with my performance/achievements ….I always feel I could have done better ..or if I had to work so hard to achieve this then maybe I shouldn’t even try .. I don’t deserve it .. Things should be easy ..

So I just want to take a note here that I really did try and really worked hard to handle the day when we informed my absence .. and it wasn’t easy but I feel nice thinking that I din add into CL’s trouble at least THAT day..
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Now that I am going its bringing in all diff sort of emotions ..

1) I am triggering badly .. I din want to focus on it as I figured I would be alone to deal with it later .. I had picked up the sitting arrangement .. the invitation cards.. menu .. decoration .. I am triggering badly.. I had everything damn thing in place .. everybody was happy and excited and Why was I determined to blow everything apart.. I am angry..sad.. helpless.. triggering .. crying .. I am not sure if I can go in that hall without crying ..
2) While talking to my MIL when she was upset about my absence I was breaking down.. I felt so ashamed and so guilty .. I am dreading the idea of facing the families
3) It wasn’t only CL who fought with his parents .. I fought with my parents too for him .. I feel like I have betrayed both the families and feeling very guilty ..
4) I am not sure how I should behave.. I keep thinking how CL wil look at it … will he not like it if I m mingling with his family .. should I withdraw and stay aloof will that help? .. should I treat this as an opportunity to build a nice relationship but then what if we tell them later .. would they think I tried manipulating them ..
5) I was alone yesterday and couldn’t find some money .. I literally froze thinking OMG this is gonna set CL off .. he is gonna get pissed off .. today I had charged my mobile and suddenly the battery started showing “battery low” (my mobile is acting funny for last couple of months) .. I was travelling and started shaking thinking OMG if my battery dried off.. that’s it CL is gonna burst with anger .. I keep fearing even a small mistake from me is gonna set him off .. I don’t know how to handle this
6) I wanted CL to take me on his own.. I am bit hurt .. I am grieving the loss of the connection we shared
7) I feel like I am a very fake person and have betrayed everybody around me .. I did discuss it in IC and she suggested that I was mixing everything up and I should treat each relationship separate
8) I was praying for plane crash but it din happen
9) How do I keep him safe?

I really don’t know with all this background how I should behave .. I keep looking at me from CL’s point of view and try to figure out how I should be behaving

When I think calmly about how *I* want to handle it:

Just give it my best.. Be the person I wanna be.. Be present fully .. help or be a part of wedding bcz I want to and not thinking about if ppl will like/gate me in future .. let go of the outcome .. personally I want to be with CL as much as possible.. Even have some fun of possible .. I want to value what I have *today* instead of focusing on what I might not have tom .. put in efforts in all the relationships as much as I can .. All I have is now..

But next min I get upset thinking what if CL looks at all this and thinks I am pretending ..what if whatever I am doing ends up hurting him more? errr.. I cant really clear my mind

But calm moments r so far apart.. I am not sure if I am thinking straight.. I have jotted down whatever comes to my mind .. I am so lost and cant really figure out the *right way* for myself … any inputs/tips/support/encouragement will be highly appreciated .. I am in no mood for 2x4 or harsh words though

EF,

I don't really know what you can be doing differently. Every post I read from you shows how much self work you are doing, how you are living honestly and remorsefully, trying to fix yourself while being there for CL.

Feeling overwhelmed is the feeling I remember the most from my d-day and months and years afterwards, and that was almost 6 years ago.

I worked hard in IC to sort out my overwhelming feelings. Besides IC, I tried to live authentically every day. I worked to not be so hard on myself. As long as I knew I was doing my best every day, eventually that became enough.

R is a long, grueling process. Then there are family events and other situations that come up that make it even more so.

I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing, go to IC, remember to take a deep breath every once in awhile (really, it helps!), and just 'be'.

Also, once I started to look at me and my BH as a team, the task seemed less overwhelming.

I know you don't feel like you are, but I think you're making so much progress.

Hang in there.

EF,

I get the whole "trying to figure out how to be behaving" bit. I'm pretty sure that's how I spent my entire first year. I read SI voraciously, I took cues from HT, I read self help books, you name it. I wanted so badly to be the most perfect, most remorseful WS there was. I wanted us on the fast track to healing. I really hoped for under 2 years rather than 5. All of that did not happen for me. I wasn't the most perfect WS (I TT'd for two months when he begged me not to). I lied to the folks here in SI, saying the whole truth was out, and we are not on the fast track by any means. We are coming up on 3 years, doing very well, but not done.

So given the upcoming wedding and the stress related to it, I understand what you are going through. I can tell you that it took me at least 18 months to start really getting this, but my advice to you is to start listening to your gut. What is that very first instinct that you have? What is it that you want to do before all the negative self talk takes over and too many other voices start swarming in your head? That first voice? The one you most likely tend to shoot down? That is the voice you need to start listening to. That first voice is the most authentic of your thoughts.

For instance, there have been times that HT is expressing how he feels about something and I am standing across from him. Often my first thought is to reach out and hug him but then the other thoughts start to say "no, he is too angry" or "you should be ashamed of yourself". Most if the time that first instinct to reach out and hug him had been the right one.

So I ask you: what is your first instinct when it comes to your behavior at this wedding? Is it to stay away from CL to give him space? Is it to go as a united front and give him live and support throughout? Is it to party up with his family because you like to be around them?

That first instinct will say a lot about where you are at, what you want /need to work on, and where you want to be.

I don't envy this particular situation. I feel that going to the place we were married would be very emotional for the both of us. Strength and hugs to the both of you.

Thanks AN and WOES..