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One year ago, today - Update

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Skan posted 5/3/2013 15:14 PM

One year ago today, right around this hour, my FWH went to a Starbucks to meet a woman that, if all went well, he would make plans to fuck. Even though weíve and most especially heís done so much work over this year, has owned his brokenness, even though we are in such a good place and re-discovering each other that fact remains. That one year ago he met up with a woman he met on an adult fuck site, sat down, had coffee, chatted back and forth, and the two of them made plans for an hour of fucking. Eight days from now, it will be one year since the date that he escorted her into that hotel room. Thirteen days from now, will be our 21st wedding anniversary. Thirty-six days from now, will be the anniversary of my DDay. And I canít even remember what I was doing, what special thing was happening, one year ago today. I was at work. It was a Thursday. I donít have any notations in my scheduler on that day. It was a perfectly ordinary day, I guess.

Except that one year ago today, the man I love most in the world, made plans to take from me, what someone else on this site so eloquently described, my last first.

He was going to be the last person, that I ever had a first time of meeting, falling in love with, making love with. And I was going to be the same. The very last of these so important firsts. I can still claim that he is my last first, but I no longer am his. No, he didnít fall in love I guess I still own that. But he took away that last first meeting. That last first decision to be sexually intimate. That last first sexual encounter. Canít call it making love it wasnít, it was pure sex. Maybe I still own that too. But those last firsts are gone and I can never get them back, no matter what we do in the future. They were stolen from me. And I grieve them with all of my heart.

I cried on him today, when we held each other and prayed. He apologized again and again, and asked God to watch over me today, told me to contact him at any time. I sent him off to work thru my tears. My plans were to keep busy today. My Mom is coming to visit in a couple of weeks and I need to scrub down the entire house. Tonight, we have a wine and chocolate tasting at the museum so weíre going to go do that and try to overlay better memories of this day.

But my heart is weeping blood through a still red scar. And I have only accomplished one thing on my to-do list. Iím forcing myself up to at least take care of one, bloody room.

But one year ago today, my WFH met up with another woman, who is innocent in that he lied to her about his marital status, and he made plans to have sex with her.

I can barely see through my tears.

[This message edited by Skan at 8:18 PM, May 4th, 2013 (Saturday)]

dameia posted 5/3/2013 15:16 PM


cheerless posted 5/3/2013 23:31 PM

No words, just (((Skan))).

Skan posted 5/4/2013 00:09 AM

We got back to the house, had dinner, and are chilling out with the music on. I'm monitoring the JFT forum inbetween reading, trying to find words of encouragement and practical advice that we were all given, to all of the new people coming here. And Train came on with "Marry Me." Completely lost it. He held me, with my tears falling onto his shoulder, and apologized and told me the best day in his life was the day that I accepted his marriage proposal, and that he would never loose his way from our path again. That he was working hard to kill his demons. I told him that only the fact that I knew that I could walk away and be OK was giving me the courage to be vulnerable to him again. And he told me how smart, I was. How compentant I was. How loving, how brave, how giving, and how much he admired me. How much courage he though that I had to be here trying to help other people through my pain. And it blew me away.

I'm glad that this day is over. There are better memories being built today than a year ago.

5454real posted 5/4/2013 00:37 AM

I'm monitoring the JFT forum inbetween reading, trying to find words of encouragement and practical advice that we were all given, to all of the new people coming here.

What a special human being you are. In the midst of your pain, through the tears, to reach out to someone else to offer them a beacon. WOW!

Thank you. Mr. Skan is damn lucky!

Jrazz posted 5/4/2013 00:45 AM

Skan, I've always admired you. I'm so sorry today hurts so much. Sending hugs.


Skan posted 5/4/2013 20:40 PM


And the rollercoaster rumbles upwards. Last night, tears of sadness and hugs of comfort. Today, we went to a post-session of Retrouvaille, then stopped by PowWow for a few minutes to see some dancing, and then back at home. Our contractor friends just finished for the day, working on our bathroom, and the minute they left, we were chasing each other around the house, him trying to tweak my boobs and me batting at him, which led to us both imitating the T-Rex from Toy Story and batting at each other with short arms, while laughing uncontrollably. Our cat thinks we're weard.

5454real, that's what we do here. Reach out a helping hand to someone else whose hurting. I was blessed by many people reaching out to me when I was incoherent with grief. This site helped save my sanity. My DDay was on a Friday, and on Saturday morning, I had found this site. However, I couldn't post until late Sunday/early Monday due to a problem with my browser, so I read. A lot. And I remember how frustrated I was when I needed someone to reach out to me but I was essentially behind the glass door and unreachable. I don't want anyone to feel like that again.

But the best part and the point, I guess, to this entire post is that if two people are determined to do the work necessary for R, it can happen and even in the midst of pain, there can be happiness. We still have our dips and peaks, but the trend is firmly upward. And that's a very good thing. (((hugs))) to you all.

sailorgirl posted 5/4/2013 21:19 PM

But the best part and the point, I guess, to this entire post is that if two people are determined to do the work necessary for R, it can happen and even in the midst of pain, there can be happiness.

Whenever I feel like I don't have the strength to believe on my own anymore, I come to SI looking for a post like yours. Someday, I hope to be the one posting about sustained R!

catlover50 posted 5/4/2013 21:28 PM

Congrats Skan!! You're an inspiration.

blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 22:12 PM

I electronically hugged you once tonight already...but (((skan))).

As others have said you inspire me. Thank you for posting so beautifully and eloquently during ALL of your hills and valleys on the trail you are on.

I strive to do this with as much grace as God is showing through you.

God bless you.

God be with all of us.

Dare2Trust posted 5/4/2013 22:18 PM


I'm sincerely happy for you.

My husband and I just returned from a very nice, fun trip from Costa Rica with my 2 brothers and their wives.

Your post made me happy for you....yet it made me a bit sad/angry to think how very stupid our husbands can be when they simply decide "to meet up with some stranger woman to fuck...simply because they can and they want to." UGGG

Rebreather posted 5/5/2013 09:44 AM

Skan, it is a true and wonderful thing when the pain of this experience is used as a bonding tool, instead of something that tears you further apart.

It hurts so, so, so bad, and you should get a medal for turning toward him (and not stabbing him), and so should he, for understanding and accepting what he needs to do to help ypu heal.

Is that bathroom gonna be done before your mom gets there? That's probably not stressful./sarcasm My son and I always have TRex battles like that! lol

Keep hanging in. You are doing really great.

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