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LonelyHusband posted 5/3/2013 17:30 PM

Every climb has a "crux pitch". this is the most challenging, difficult, dangerous set of moves. This is the key to the climb. Get past this and you are on the home straight. However, this pitch might fox you time and time again, and may just end up being too much.

So do you have a Crux pitch?

18 months in, and I'm still deeply unhappy. I still trigger. I've come to terms with much of what happened, but one thing still haunts me and sends me into a spiral of depression and unhappiness.

I can still picture my wife sitting on a sofa with me, supposedly in "reconciliation" as she told me she didn't want to hold my hand as it sickened her to hold my hand, and she looked me in the eyes and said...

"I'm not going to to lie to you. I love xxx very much and I don't love you the way a wife should. I miss him so much"

She cried as she talked about how much she loved another man. I think part of me died.

That;s my crux moment. I don't know how to get past it yet. I still think of it daily, but at least it's not hourly. However, I'm starting to wonder if those words will ever lose their edge. I feel if I can get past this I can get past anything. Even the memory of seeing my wife kiss another man has lost its power over me. I remember all the screaming, all the pain, with sadness but no new pain. I remember my heart sinking as I found the evidence that precipitated Dday two, but it seems distant.

The memory of the day on the sofa seems fresh and still somehow raw. I'm not past this yet.

We ended up in the place where I caught them kissing last weekend. We stayed in the same hotel, and due to bad luck were put in the same room that we stayed in the night of DDay1. Tough weekend, which led to me being stressed and unhappy all week and unable to think or process anything. wonder if that's brought things to the surface again.

One question for reconciling BSs at this stage: there are times I love my wife deeply. She makes me feel safe, which is amazing. She makes me laugh, and we have fun.She has the loveliest eyes. Yet there are times I can barely look at her and everything she says and does irritates me. Is this normal - because it's worrying me.

oh, and just like this post, I feel a bit all over the place at the moment. very unsettled emotionally.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 5:36 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Uneek posted 5/3/2013 18:54 PM

5.5 months ago, my husband told me that he was no longer attracted to me, that he'd been contemplating having an affair (which I later learned meant turning his EA into a PA) and that if I didn't lose weight he was going to leave me.

It's only been 5.5 months, but I have no idea how in the hell I'm going to get past that.

sailorgirl posted 5/3/2013 18:56 PM

Yet there are times I can barely look at her and everything she says and does irritates me. Is this normal - because it's worrying me.

I think (hope) that this is totally normal! This would happen to me sometimes even before the A's. It's like a wave of irritation washing over me and I feel like if I have to tolerate him for one more minute, I'll snap. Then, it subsides. It happens more when I'm hungry, dehydrated, tired, stressed or in pain.

I was a rock climber pre-serious job and pre-kids. I never thought of this metaphor though, and it's a really good one, so here's my take:

I'm tackling the same route over and over. It's my mission and I'm always climbing it, or resting up so I can attempt it again.

I've mastered some of the first few pitches, so I usually fly through those, although once in awhile, I falter on a move that I thought I had down. That's like August 2011-May 2012 of the A. I understand how it got started and how OW blackmailed WH to continue.

The May pitch is a tough one. I've only made it through a couple of times without falling. WH "tried" to break up with OW by booking a weekend in a luxury hotel and telling her he was going to be too busy with work to see her all summer. He sealed this "break-up" by having sex with her three times. That pitch has a killer overhang.

But, when I make it over the roof, it's smooth climbing because WH was actually able to maintain the "too busy" excuse and didn't see OW until September. In September, he chose to go back to his old office and work with OW on a project. He says he thought it could be just business and that he did not desire her or miss her at all. At first, he made excuses not to hang out with her after work.

But then comes the crux pitch. I've never made it past this one. WH had not seen OW since May. October 2nd was our 13th wedding anniversary, and WH forgot. We laughed it off together. Our marriage had finally been getter better and closer all summer, and I was feeling so hopeful. On October 4th, OW asked WH back to her apartment after work and he went. He claims he did not want to go, but couldn't say no because she would do "something terrible" so he panicked. Of course, they had sex, and the whole sordid thing started up again.

That's my crux for sure because it contradicts WH's A story. He says he knew he didn't want OW and didn't want to cheat, pretty much from the start of the A. But, she was threatening to expose him, or harm herself. He got away from her in May. She did not tell his boss or me or hurt herself or anything. He was free of her.

Then, right after a big reminder of our wedding day when he promised to forsake all others, he went back.

That move is beyond my current skills. I fall every time, and it's a bad fall.

But if I can get past all the rest (not every time, but most times), someday I'm gonna send that October pitch.

Of course, if WH quits his climb, I'm out of here.

As for your wife on the couch, LH, I am so sorry. Maybe you could translate what she said into Wayward-speak: "I am broken inside, so instead of communicating, I'm going to verbally vomit ridiculously immature and f*cked up crap."

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:05 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

wifehad5 posted 5/3/2013 19:00 PM

The night of our first D-day, she had just told me she wanted a D because her friend was "interested". As I'm standing there in disbelief with my world crumbling around me trying to talk some reason into her, he called. She left the room and answered it.

It was a if she had ripped my heart out of my chest with the D talk and then stomped on it a ground it into the floor with answering the phone.

It took time to work through those feelings. At this point I don't really remember how long. The memory isn't even that painful anymore. It's just a memory if that makes sense. I have feeling you'll get to that point

NoraLee posted 5/3/2013 19:29 PM

Oh, LH...I know the pain well. On Dday 1, after the revaluation that he had fallen in love with a coworker, I was stunned and found him crying in the garage. I asked him, "when you're emotional like this, should I leave you alone, or does it help having me here?" he responded,"you're being so kind..." then he started wailing - I assumed he was scared I was going to leave him - so I held him and asked him what was causing the tears. He asked,"can I hurt you some more?" of course I said yes because I needed him to feel free to tell me as much as I could... He said, "I can't figure out why she doesn't love me back..."

That will take a very long time to get over...I asked him - are you asking me for dating tips? Yuck - it was so awful - especially if you knew what his AP was like - read my profile for more info...

But to answer you - yes I think what you're feeling is normal. I too love and adore my H and feel cherished by him as well. But some days - and some moments I'm disgusted...

BTW I specifically asked H to apologize for that particular cruelty when we started working through R. He can't believe he said it - and that I didn't kick him to the curb right away. It did help take some of the sting away - have you asked FWW to apologize for your painful memory? I made a short list of specific things that have gotten "stuck" in my head. I think it's helped some...

jjsr posted 5/3/2013 20:42 PM

yes we were in bed having sex and he wasn't staying aroused and blurted out that he wasn't sure if he was still in love with me. I didn't know about his ONS yet or the full truth of his EA. I did have the feeling that he cheated but didn't know for sure. How do I ever get that out of my mind?