Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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Newest Member: YoungNInLove (61865)

User Topic: Where to start?
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out last week my husband of almost 20 years had joined one of the websites for matching up sex partners. He was having cyber sex with at least 20 different women near where we live over the last two months. He is emphatic he never met any of them. He is taking full responsibility and is completely distraught at the idea of divorce. He has already started therapy and is pleading with me to join him. I feel so enraged and devastated i can't even consider it. Right now I'm barely functioning and cannot see more than five minutes into the future. Any suggestions on a next step are appreciated.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(( tripletrouble ))

The next step is the most important - taking care of you. Rest when you can, drink sips of water, exersize, read in the Healing Library, consider what you really want. Many say don't make life changing decisions for at least six months to a year.

Going to MC or IC is not a bad idea to sort out your feelings - just make sure the therapist is educated in infidelity.

Hang in there. I'm sorry you had to find us

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The next step is to realize that everything that you're feeling numbness, rage, sorrow, hatred, anguish, love, is all normal. Your WH, without your consent, bought you a ticket to the rollercoaster of hell, strapped you in, and sent you down the track. Hell of a gift, isn't it...

And yes, cybersex is cheating. It's infidelity. It's giving someone else the intimacy that belongs to you alone. Don't let anyone tell you that because there doesn't seem to be penetration, that it's not cheating. It is.

And with as much caring as I can send to you, don't be surprised if its more than you've been told. It is so extremely rare as to be all but non-existant, for a WS to tell the complete truth at first. There is bound to be more, so please be aware.

Here's the thing. You don't have to make One Stinking Decision right now. Read The Healing Library. Read any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. Detatch a bit. Think about what YOU want and what would make you inclined to consider staying. IC and MC are all to the good so I encourage you to go, but what's important is what YOU want and need right now.

Please come back often for support. We're going into the weekend and it can get slow here, so please don't be discouraged if it seems like there's not a lot of people "talking" to you. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10199 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 18179
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us, but I'm very glad you found us. You'll get tons of support & very helpful information here.

Sadly, what Skan says is true: far more often than not, there's more to the story than initially comes to light or is confessed to by the WS.

Read, read, read here on SI, particularly in the Just Found Out & General Forums as well as the Healing Library; you have a steep learning curve but the good news is you can benefit greatly from the experience of others.

I'm glad your WH has started therapy (I'm assuming individual? a.k.a. IC ). In my opinion, that is critical. He's the broken element; no point bailing out the boat unless you figure out why your first mate is drilling holes through the hull.

You should also strongly consider IC for yourself, if you haven't already. It is beneficial to have someone whose sole focus is helping you. You need to make a conscious effort to take care of yourself; it can feel impossible to eat, drink, or sleep adequately in the face of such a trauma, but each is essential. Of the three, not staying properly hydrated will land you in the hospital fastest.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 4195 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Topic Posts: 4

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