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After months of denial he confessed

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PurpleBirch posted 5/3/2013 21:28 PM

Hi all, this is my fist time posting. I'm mostly familiar with how this works since I've lurked a bit. Here goes nothing.

We'll start with last February because that's where I noticed something odd. H was getting lots of texts at odd hours. They were primarily from this one girl from work he described as "broken". He said that it was nothing, and that since he's above her in rank (military), he has to make sure she's happy. I guess she has low self esteem and was depressed or something. I was pregnant at the time, and I thought "am I overreacting?". This is the point I started checking his phone. I confronted him several times and stated how odd it was for a married woman to be texting another man so much. Finally in October I managed to get him to understand and agree not to speak with her unless it was strictly professional. I asked him to delete her from his online games. He agreed. I thought things were good.

A week after, I was checking his phone again. There were no texts and something made me decide to check his email. I found naked pictures of a girl that he emailed himself. Later the next day, he came home late from work. He insisted on showering before doing anything, and instead of dropping his clothes on the bathroom floor, he rolled them up and brought them downstairs. Odd.

After his shower, I confront about the pictures. He says she accidentally texted them to him, that he is not, and has never cheated. I thought he was lying. I took a look at the boxers and thought they were suspicious. I sent them for DNA testing. They couldn't prove without a doubt that he did cheat, but there was a third sample present. I forgot to mention that at this time my baby was around 2 months, and we had a very healthy sex life. That's important because I suspect he may be a sex addict.

Things are up and down. I don't trust him. We briefly talk about things, but he's a rug sweeper. I finally push for counseling because I find that he's opened a POF account, and has been taking screen shots of my computer with a spy program. He claims he thought I was cheating.

We hadn't been to counseling since February this year because of his military commitments, but every time he gets all "sad face" and says he doesn't know what to do to fix everything, I say counseling! He agrees again, but insists I be the one to call. At this point we haven't been intimate for at least 2 weeks (which is a big deal). He asks me why, and I say it's because I feel like I'm married to a stranger. He says he feels the same way about me. Ok.

The next day we're starting to talk and he says "sorry". I said "for what?". "I'm sorry I cheated on you". So after all these months of denying, and gas lighting, he blurts it out.

I come to find out over the following days that it was an old fling from before we met. They did an army course together back in 08. He has unprotected anal sex with her. Ugh. I still feel like I want to vomit because we were still having sex! I have gotten back part of my results, but not all of them. He still hasn't gone to get tested yet, though he has an appointment for Tuesday.

He's been sleeping in the basement, and has been so odd in terms of emotions he's showing me. He alternates acting like nothing's wrong to being a total jerk. Like since he confessed, I should get over it and move on. He also acts super depressed. I feel like he's focusing only on his emotions.

This is so long, I sorry. I just wanted to get it all out. I may add some more details.

PurpleBirch posted 5/3/2013 21:43 PM

I forgot to mention what he said to me when I asked why he cheated. Besides "I don't know", he mentioned all this other stuff like our middle son passing away the day he was born, the fact that I was pregnant forever (pretty much got pregnant right away since the doctor said it was ok), the fact that he has no family (there's bad blood), he hates his job -the only reason he goes is to support LO and me, and also the fact that he's not happy about anything right now. Makes me wonder if I stayed if he'd cheat again in stressful times.

He's been pouting also. He'll come up from the basement and sit alone in the dark kitchen (across from my room) for a long time. As though I need to ask him what's the matter. He's also being dramatic. I was scheduled to go out Saturday night, and before I left it was almost like he was trying to make the baby cry so I wouldn't want to go. Also, he asked me where the health cards were. First of all, I was 10 minutes away from home. Second of all, if either of my kids are sick, I'm not going to stay out on my girls night and he knows it.

Lucky posted 5/3/2013 21:47 PM

Welcome PurpleBirch, for a new WS it's not at all uncommon for them to focus on their feelings and disregard ours.

Are you absolutely sure the affair is over?

I'm sorry you had to find us. You'll get a lot of advice, support and comfort here.

Skan posted 5/3/2013 23:57 PM

Welcome. I'm so sorry that you have the reason to come find us, but I'm SO glad that you did.

Your WH is full of, pardon the expression, shit. Having thrown the equivalent of a nuclear bomb into your life, he now seems to feel that a broom and dustpan will clear up the radioactive material that is clinging to every part of your being. The term you're looking for is fraternization. That's a career-ending move.

Please look at the upper left corner, where the yellow box is. Click on The Healing Library. Read it. Read anything in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. All of these articles will help you a lot. Also, on the I Can Relate forum, there is a thread specifically for people whose spouses are in the military. There's a lot of them around here. They will be a great resource for you, but frankly, when you get right down to it, infidelity is infidelity no matter the circumstance.

Do not let this man back into your bedroom. He needs to earn his way back there. Use this weekend to detatch and start thinking about what YOU need from him, to have the slighest possibility of staying married. And do not be pressured to do anything at all until you're ready. You can take all of the time that YOU need to figure out what you need and want. Eat. Stay hydrated. Try to sleep when you can. It's time for you to be a bit selfish and take care of yourself first.

The weekends can be a bit slow, so please do some reading and start taking care of yourself and yourself alone. Come back often for support. We've all got your back. (((hugs)))

sparklingwater posted 5/4/2013 03:47 AM

Welcome PurpleBirch and so sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

I'm glad you are not being intimate with him. You need to be fully confident that you and he are STD free before even contemplating that.

Sounds like your H is trying to use the old "poor me" tactics to try soften the blow of the major bomb he just dropped in your lap. What is with sitting alone in the dark kitchen? I may be off track but sounds a bit dramatic and juvenile to me. If he is depressed then he needs to seek medical attention and IC.

Take care of you in this tough time. Put yours and your children(s) needs first and foremost. ((hugs))

PurpleBirch posted 5/4/2013 06:14 AM

Good question... Am I sure the affair is over? Honestly, I think my snooping has just made him more sneaky. He's shown me that he's a lying liar who lies. I'm not sure I'll ever trust him again.

I made some conditions to staying:
1) STD testing.
2) vasectomy (he doesn't want any more kids, so why run the risk. Plus, I'm not having any more with him).
3) If we do ever have sex again, we use protection for as long as I deem necessary
4) We go back to counseling

He keeps asking if we're ok. Finally I said "I'm not pissed off with you about anything else, so in that respect we're ok". He got all butt-hurt.

I'm not sure he really gets it. I do think he needs IC. When he gave me all his excuses I asked him why he didn't go talk to someone if he didn't like himself/anything in his life. He said he tried, but he was away too much. I think that's total BS.

Oh, I'm not in the US, so I don't know if there are the same fraternization rules as there. I took pictures of the emails (different girl than the texting chick btw, but still someone from work), and I emailed them to myself. Haven't done anything with them though.

I've read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, as well as another book of that genre. Because it happened months ago, I've been processing and dealing with it. It was just a shock to find out he was lying this whole time. I'm resolute. I am going to do what's best for me and my two kids. It means not going anywhere for now. I don't know how long we can do in-house seperation though... I feel like my emotions are being manipulated at every turn. Ugh.

Thank you for getting through my wordy posts guys. You deserve a cookie for your efforts :)

Skan posted 5/4/2013 18:25 PM

Most services, not only the US, have rules about sr. officers "fraternizing" with those below them in rank. Not all countries take it seriously, of course. Is there a chaplain on base that you can go talk to about this? They might be able to give you some guidance on this.

PurpleBirch posted 5/4/2013 19:05 PM

I could go to see one of the padres. That's an option.

Wouldn't it be bad if I tattled on him and messed up his career? After all, he needs it to support me and the kids -regardless of being married or not.

sad12008 posted 5/6/2013 09:02 AM

I could go to see one of the padres. That's an option.

Wouldn't it be bad if I tattled on him and messed up his career? After all, he needs it to support me and the kids -regardless of being married or not.

I think one must first be pragmatic in such things. Unless you're in a position to support yourself and your kids, I'd be conservative right now due to the fact of him being in the military. We're a military family, both of us have served AD. Depending upon your WH's rank, it could get quite ugly. I wouldn't protect him, but I would definitely protect your and your children.

I'd also be reluctant to see a military chaplain & spill the beans to him (since you said padre, I'm assuming RC which rules out a feminine pronoun). I'd keep anything that could be harmful to your family's well-being out of the military channels. Color me over-cautious. It's simply that the confidentiality might be trumped by other factors unknown to you.

I agree w/Skan's original post 100% . It sounds like he's pretty well wrapped up in himself and that is not where he needs to be.

I'm glad you've found us. Right now he sounds unremorseful and you deserve better.

I agree with your conditions (STD testing, etc.) and would add full transparency, accountability, and IC/MC. My feeling about the vas was the same; my FWH had his done many many years ago. As it so happens though I didn't know it at the time (other than to know he was being a cold a$$h*le to me), he was in an A at the time. However, I was sick of his bellyaching about kids (in his first marriage --3 kids-- and now ours --2 kids) and how he was "forced" this and "forced" that. Here's your chance to grab the reins there, buddy!

Hope this helps some; busy morning and a sticking keyboard will have to make this brief(er than usual).

PurpleBirch posted 5/6/2013 22:01 PM

Surprisingly we do have one female padre at our (RC) church. You're right though. I am being pragmatic about the whole "telling the army" thing.

He keeps telling me that he misses me & he asked me the other day if I miss him. I said yeah (meaning the man I thought he was), and he asked me why I'm doing this (making him sleep downstairs). He also said something similar the day before confessing. I told him I felt like I was married to a stranger and he said he felt the same about me. Ugh. Wtf.

And he could have done the testing sooner! Back in December I said "if you are lying to me I hope you used protection & if you didn't, you need to be tested". But no, jackass couldn't go get tested on his own...

I think I'm past being sad, though the thought of my kids not seeing their dad a lot makes me sad too. I'm at turns angry and indifferent.

haleyscomet posted 5/6/2013 22:24 PM

He alternates acting like nothing's wrong to being a total jerk. Like since he confessed, I should get over it and move on. He also acts super depressed. I feel like he's focusing only on his emotions.

He is. Mine was selfish to the end and beyond.

a lying liar who lies

reminds me of when I called mine a "liar f*ckin' lyin'"
or perhaps it was "lyin' f*ckin liar"

I don't know how long we can do in-house seperation though... I feel like my emotions are being manipulated at every turn. Ugh.

Mine took any kindness as a sign of weakness... and an invitation to take advantage of my love. When I wasn't up for being all nicey-nice, I found myself worrying if he even cared /and I wondered if SHE were his real source of joy/happieness and felt at that point that I was a 'buzzkill'/ or a 'nag'.

Glad you feel you are past feeling sad. Anger and indifference helped me be strong when I needed it.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/6/2013 22:34 PM

You sound amazingly strong and together, intelligent as well. You couldn't find a better place to be than SI. Seriously, this place is a wealth of information. I've been here 2 years. SI kept me from going crazy by letting me know everything I felt was normal... even when I felt crazy. You probably know by now to expect a roller coaster of emotions. All you can do is the best you can to take care of yourself as you ride it out. Do demand accountability from your husband. Prolonging the lies and secrets will only make things worse. My WH got away with prolonging things with the help of an IC who said I couldn't expect anymore from him until he was 6 months to a year into sobriety. In hind sight, I should have refused to live with him during that time... Especially since my own weakness made me a pathetic failure at 180. You sound like you can do it. Focus on you and your children. Use the wealth of wisdom on SI to help you.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/6/2013 22:51 PM

Hi purplebirch, i read your posting and i am so sorry. i am new to this long and winding road myself and i'm fresh into trauma and spent so I don't know that I really have much to offer you or anyone at this stage BUT i don't see anywhere in your note as to WHY you want to stay with this "man" other than the fact that you have 2 children with him. Do you know? xooox

PurpleBirch posted 5/7/2013 20:05 PM

I don't know how to quote text, but haleyscomet, that's how I feel. Like if I do anything nice, or if I'm pleasant, it's a sign of weakness.

PurpleBirch posted 5/7/2013 20:19 PM

TheAgonyofIt: I'm sorry you're here too. It does really suck that there needs to be a website like this :(

Why do I want to stay? There is a financial aspect to that. He actually offered to move out the other day & let me stay here until I go back to work (and am able to afford a place). Other than that, I haven't fully decided if I actually want to stay or go. That's my roller coaster right now. I know that I sometimes mourn the dream of "what could be". Like all the plans we've made for the future. On the other hand, I also was a single mom before I met him, and with him being away so much for work, I do a lot. So I know that I could be fine on my own. I also know that I could have someone else if I wanted. I have the confidence because I know I have a lot to offer (this stems from an epiphany I had in high school). I really feel like he was the person I was meant to be with though (even if it was only meant for this little while), so I don't think I'd want someone else.

We went to MC today, and it was actually a good session. I've been pretty weepy all day though. Ugh. I don't know in the end what I'll decide. But I have been putting my ducks in a row, so if I do decide to go, I'll be ready. I don't want to make any hasty decisions.

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 07:40 AM

So as I said my WH is sleeping in the basement. I haven't been really affectionate because let's face it, I don't feel like it. He is really upset about this, and I think it stems from the fear of no affection = no sex. I've allowed hugs, and I've allowed him to kiss me (peck like kisses, not making out), but I've shut down any other groping or whathaveyou. I keep telling him I need time, but he's not getting it. We've had one session of MC since D-Day, and it seems again like he feels that's enough to go "back to normal". When I said "you need to be patient with me", he got mad, said "no I don't", and went back downstairs.

I guess I just want to see if I'm being reasonable. The other day I was bent over the baby, helping him walk. My WH called me a tease (jokingly, but still). I'm not trying to be a tease. I just can't be what he wants me to be right now.

I have been focusing on my kids, and school (I'm doing some online schooling which will benefit my career), so I haven't been on here too much in the last week. I would appreciate any insight anyone can bring me though.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/11/2013 07:58 AM

They always want us to hurry up and get over it and of course they always want sex. His little hissy fit, saying he doesn't have to be patient with you.... Uh, yes he does. He has to win yor affection and be the guy you want to be with and win your affection, not the other way around. You might want to consider ending all physical contact until he can show you he's worth your affection. Not that I had the spine to stand up for myself that way from the beginning but you sounded like you'd be better than me at setting boundaries.

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 08:12 AM

He just got up about 15 minutes ago, and he's barely speaking to me. Ugh. I feel like this is so ridiculous. He's going to be cranky all day too because my request for mother's day is to go to the library *by myself* today to work on school assignments. He agreed to it, but he doesn't like taking care of the kids by himself.

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 08:24 AM

I actually have another question... I haven't asked him for complete transparency because I don't want to give it. Because he's a computer guy, I don't use SI on the computer - just my iPod. He no longer has the lock code for it. He would be furious and embarrassed to know I posted this all on the Internet. Is it fair to ask someone for transparency when you won't give it yourself?

I can't remember if I mentioned him putting a spy program on my computer or not, but he did back in Jan. He says it's no longer there, but I don't trust him.

la433 posted 5/11/2013 09:12 AM

Using Safari I presume on IPOD, here's what Apple says to about private browsing:

When you browse the web, Safari stores information about the websites you visit...If you browse the web on a Mac thatís also used by other people, they can view your browsing behavior by reading the history list or the list of stored passwords. To prevent others from gaining access to this information, use Private Browsing.

To turn on private browsing do the following:

1. While browsing a webpage using Safari, choose Safari > Private Browsing.
2. When you see a confirmation message, click OK. A Private button appears in the address field to indicate that private browsing is on. To skip the confirmation message, hold down the Option key while you choose Private Browsing.

Private Browsing is always turned off when you open Safari, even if it was on when you last quit Safari.

You will have to turn private browsing on every time.

Also, delete history on IPOD just to be sure.

Use the two choices to "Clear History" and "Clear Cookies & Data".

On the A,

Sounds like

(1) He isn't remorseful for what's he done.
(2) He's had an affair with more than one person.
(3) He's paranoid because he's been cheating.
(4) He's been projecting his guilt onto you.
(5) Completely rug-sweeping.
(6) Wants you to do all the work.
(7) He is lying about having to keep subordinates happy, not to the degree of the texting anyways. If she was that depressed the SOP would be to contact the chaplain. I say he was fuckin' her too.
(8) Who was the naked girl? Probably an AP.
(9) You gut telling you he's a sex addict is probably correct. Dig deeper.
(10) Why does a married man have a POF account? Heck I had to look that up just to know what it is. That screams multiple partners.
(11) Why is he sleeping in the basesment? I wouldn't allow him to be in the same building with me. Not until conditions were met. When the WS cheats, they lose the "unconditional" love everyone so wants. What they get is "conditional" love. Hate to say it, but that's what he gets for as long as you think necessary.
(12) He's not telling you everything. You're getting TT (trickle-truth).
(13) The pouting is a passive/agressive thing and that is why he needs to be separated from you for a while before you start R/D/S---my opinion. He's manipulating you. You'll probably need to separate (S) for a while so you can figure out how you want to deal with it.
(14) You need to get complete access to his emails/cell phone...everything.
(15) Contact a lawyer. Not saying to do anything yet. Just discuss and get your legal options consult before you decide to R/D/S.

As others have mentioned on this site, cheaters lie, so he's probably lying about number of times, number of partners, for how long etc. Whether you want to know and pursue is up to you.

Keep posting, and looking on here. Plenty of support.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by la433 at 9:17 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

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