"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

FooledtwiceTX posted 5/3/2013 22:09 PM

I have been lurking here for a few weeks as I process my new reality. I learned on 4/02 that my husband wa having an affair with a 26yo he met online. (You can see my full story in my profile.) I had noticed the distance and had been foolishly trying to work on our marriage. Where are we now? He is living with the OW. He comes by each day to be with our kids. He had a panic attack last week and asked that I not tell the kids or family until he gets into counseling. I agreed and have found a great support group at a local church, but I am not a liar, he is. I am sick of lying to friends and family. To top things off, tomorrow is my 39th birthday. He plans on spending the day with the kids and I. I feel like I am going to be sick. How did I get here? I feel like I am living in a parallel universe- my entire world has been turned upside down.

Lucky posted 5/3/2013 22:13 PM

Welcome FooledtwiceTX,

He is living with OW and expecting you to smooth things over with family, friends, church members etc.?

No way in HELL I'd do it, but that's me.

To start with I'd make sure he isn't around on your birthday (Happy Birthday by the way), he doesn't need to be playing happy families while living with OW and letting you suffer in silence.

You entire world has been turned upside down.

somanyyears posted 5/3/2013 22:18 PM

..welcome to SI ..a most amazing place for support and advice.

..keep reading and posting here..

..the Healing Library is a good place to spend some time.

..take care of yourself.. fluids (not liquor).. eat to keep your strength up.

..see your doc for advice and maybe meds for sleeping, stress..

..and STD tests..(sorry)

..weekends tend to be slower with responses, but there will be lots of support here over the course of this horrible journey..

..you have only just begun..

..and I wish you a happy Birthday, if it's ok to wish that, under the circumstances..

smy

FooledtwiceTX posted 5/3/2013 22:24 PM

Thank you both. I figure at least it's not my 40th birthday! I plan to spend my day tomorrow getting a massage and mani/ pedi. WS can watch the kids. They are what keep me civil with him- despite everything he is a great father and it kills me to take that away from them. I recognize that I am codependant though, and if I am going to heal myself I am goiing to have to limit my time with him. I feel crazy that part of me wants him to come home.

Lucky posted 5/3/2013 22:33 PM

Wanting your husband home isn't crazy at all. It's normal.

traveldad posted 5/4/2013 00:33 AM

You need to look up the 180 technique on this site. You are definitely in need of a clear strategy. That will give you one. He's taking advantage of what an unselfish and nurturing wife and mother you are. He needs to have the future consequences of his actions explained to him. The hurt and disappointment his children will feel. The loss of respect from church friends and family. Another man raising his children, etc. He might fall out of infatuation pretty fast if he realizes what he could lose.

PurpleBirch posted 5/4/2013 06:23 AM

I think it's pretty shitty that he expects to have the best of both worlds (OW & loving family).

I'm new here too. I don't know how it's going to work out for either of us, but we can get through it somehow. Sending hugs your way.

Skan posted 5/4/2013 18:33 PM

FooledtwiceTX, he fired you as his wife. He's married to you but is living with, and screwing, another woman. His wishes about who you do or do not tell are immaterial. Out him. His relatives and your friends/church members should know exactly what's going on. You owe him NOTHING his secrets are not yours to keep any more because, well, he fired you as his wife. You have no obligation to lie for him. Telling the truth is your most freeing option.

It's nice to know that he's good with his children, but please consider that a great father doesn't have an A and then rub the A and his mistress into the face of his children's mother. He's not modeling any type of good behavior to them. He's teaching them that it's OK to disrespect women, and to lie and cheat. That's not the actions of a decent, let alone "great" father.

FooledtwiceTX posted 5/4/2013 20:17 PM

Thanks all. I appreciate the tough love. I am trying to do the 180 and limit contact. I will "out" him - just not up for it tonight as it is my birthday.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/4/2013 20:38 PM

My wife cheated and I want her back. You're not alone.

That's all. Happy birthday and I wish you all the best. Sorry.

People Re shitty. Even the ones we love.

Brokenheart777 posted 5/5/2013 12:04 PM

FooledTwiceTX

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. You've found what is probably the best place for support in what will likely be the most difficult battle of your life.

Please listen to the others posting here. You should not be protecting your WH disgusting, selfish actions. He sounds like he is playing the victim role and in the process he is cake eating. It's easy for him to play both sides right now because its not out in the open. An A thrives in secrecy. Outing WH to those that he's been wanting your to protect him from (the sheer selfishness of this is dumbfounding) typically knocks a W out of their shitty, selfish, rainbow-shitting-unicorn fantasy land. Who you choose to tell is up to you, not him because its more for you. I outed WGF about her A even though the reason I found out was because she tried to end it with OM. Only part of that that I regret is the sheer number of people that found out (via FB). This had the effect of truly humbling WGF to the degree of her betrayal.

Wishing you strength and letting you know that pretty much everything that you are feeling is completely normal. Keep posting, it helps. We are all here to listen.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/5/2013 12:18 PM

Happy belated birthday to you!

it kills me to take that away from them

Please realize that YOU aren't *taking* anything away from anybody. Your WH left his family to go and live with another woman. Anything he *loses* is because of his own actions.
He is cake-eating right now. He has the best of both worlds which gives him no incentive to stop.
What good does he think counseling is going to do for him? Does he really need some neutral 3rd party to tell him that leaving his family to live with another woman is wrong?
If you aren't comfortable with covering for him anymore....then stop. It's not your job to keep his secret. If he doesn't want people to know that he's left his family for another woman....then he shouldn't still be shacked up with her.

{{{hugs}}} to you....he's doing a real number on your head.

callmecrazy posted 5/6/2013 11:28 AM

If he doesnt live with you, its not a secret...UGH! Why do WS's think that the BS should sit home and smile and pretend its fine...why should the kids feel they cant talk. Like my DD5 was told not to talk...well guess what at his parents I was picking her up and bam "is daddy gonna stay at home tonight?" Its not a personal matter when you make it that public.

This is the lovely FOG aka the nothing from common sense stage.

So sorry for your hurt, dont lie for him. Im not saying you need to shout it out, but you dont need to lie and you need support bc your H isnt doing his job.
HUGS

jackie89 posted 5/6/2013 12:03 PM

Hugs to you! I'm so sorry!

Happy Belated Birthday.

Why should you not tell the truth, when people ask? YOU did nothing wrong.

Especially since he's already living with OW, I could see it, if it wasn't - but all bets are off.

Tell, and tell because of you, it will free you, and you will need all the support you can have.

We have all been where you are. But try and think of YOURSELF and your future. You are still young, your life is not even half over.

I'll tell you what one of my friends would tell me all the time, "why would you want to stay with a man, that obviously disrespects you in such a manner and obviously does not LOVE you" Don't you deserve better? It will be a while before you get here, but you will get here. You are stronger than you think.