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When do these really bad days stop?!

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Rya617 posted 5/3/2013 22:22 PM

I have been feeling pretty good lately, taking it one day at a time. But then it hits me out of nowhere..bam, I'm at the bottom again. How can you hate someone so much yet still love them? I have been through every kind of abuse you can imagine through my childhood and he was my one constant. He is the only one I ever had sex with, and still is. I am 32 and have not had anyone else, and still love him dearly. I feel like a fool for trusting him and letting him in like I did. I swore to myself at a very young age that I would never marry because of the devastation I have seen it cause. He wants to fix things and works hard at it every day, but how can I ever trust again? When will it stop hurting so much that I can't even breathe?

dameia posted 5/3/2013 22:52 PM


I don't know when the pain stops. Right now I just hope that it lessens over time. I'm not sure it will ever go away completely.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm also 32 and my WH is the only person I've ever slept with. He was my first boyfriend, my only love. I had only ever kissed one person before him and that was nothing more than a peck. So I know just how devastated you feel.

Rya617 posted 5/3/2013 23:01 PM

Thank you so much's so nice hearing from someone who can relate. Sometimes I feel like a fool for putting my entire soul into a relationship with someone who was able to just "step out" of our marriage. I guess maybe in hindsight I put too many expectations and pressure on him. But still, I feel so abandoned. He left me without me knowing it for 4 months while I was pregnant, then one day has an epiphany that he loves me and our family and wants to make it right. I'm not even sure what I am trying to say, I guess I'm just venting. I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of me and torn into shreds. I don't know how many more times I can get back up after being hit so hard to the ground..

hailstormer posted 5/3/2013 23:55 PM

I will tell you what will get you up off the ground everytime and it did the very same for me the kids.
I have told the closest people to me that if I would not have had kids (and believe me my own sibling I love dearly but they have their own life's now)I am not sure I would have gotten back up because at first the only time I could breathe was when I could sleep from being totally exhausted because then my brain would not think. When I would wake I would cry instantly cause my brain would turn on again and all the thoughts would flood into my head again. The brain is a very powerful and terrible thing at times.
But I would think about my children and that is what made me take and put one foot out of the bed onto the floor.
My kids saved my life I truly believe that cause a few times I wanted to sleep and not wake up.
Once my son had slipped into bed with me one night probably scared and I woke in the dark to hear a light snore and thought immediately OMG he's here it's not true I was having a nightmare and I instantly sat up and touched my son and when I saw it was him I actually cried because the nightmare was true and I was living it.
Your kids will save you and pick you up everytime that's probably why god sent them to me he knew I was not strong enough to make it on my own. I believe that now cause we went thru 6 years of extreme infertility treatments to have our twins.
When do the bad days stop?? My WS has been gone for almost 3 years now and I never see him it is too hard and just tonight I thought I am never gonna get over this after seeing a stupid commercial about love necklaces with a key necklace in it the same sort of stupid necklace he had hanging in his truck swinging in my face and our kids faces with some stupid story he told me at the time and now she has that stupid necklace around her neck.
The key to her heart if she even has one!
On this site several times I have read it takes 1/2 of the time you were together with your WS to get over all the pain well crap that means I have 8 more years to go.
Good Luck to you

BrokenT posted 5/4/2013 04:02 AM

Rya, we all hear you. I know it feels awful almost all the time. And whatever feelings that come during R seem to be like waves. They come, you embrace them, the go high, then they crush.
You say your WH does the R work. And that's a good thing. But it's a long long process. I'm not there yet, and I read successful R stories and nobody seems to be completely there (trusting I mean) but it does get better. Maybe you can read some good R stories, they'll make you feel better

Nailinmyforehead posted 5/4/2013 04:55 AM

Rya, Just wanted you to know that you have been heard. My DDay wasn't too awful long ago, and I asked myself the very same question last night. I was watching my WW playing in our front yard with 2 of our daughters and thought how perfect the night was, except for the big steaming pile of crap she dropped into the middle of our marriage.

sisoon posted 5/4/2013 15:23 PM

Your D-Day is 2 days after mine, and I'm really concerned that you're still so far down. Is this particularly bad time, or is this how you often feel? If this is normal for you, it sounds like the trauma is still very fresh for you.

Is IC possible? I really think being able to talk about your feelings and thoughts IRL will help you heal.


Rya617 posted 5/4/2013 20:25 PM

Sisoon: thank you so much for responding. I'm not sure why I'm still so far down. I think part of it is that he was still not completely honest about what happened during the A until about 2 months ago. And not just small details..things that change my entire perception about what their relationship was like. I'm still not sure I believe that I know the whole truth and I'm terrified to trust again. He things he's "protecting me" by not telling me the whole truth but I'm not so sure that its just simply cowardice. I don't really know what to think, but I do know that our kids have gotten us this far. Thank you everyone for your support! My 4 year old literally just asked me why I always look so sad. This tells me that something needs to change before I hurt my kids even more :(

crazyblindsided posted 5/5/2013 21:50 PM

(((Rya617))) Every time we learn new info it puts us back to square one. I believe you probably feel like another DDay.

I'm so sorry. My WH said the same. That he was trying to protect me. I do not believe him. I think my WH only tries to protect himself.

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