I just emailed her back simply saying. "I hope by now you told him what you did. He deserves to know." I pushed send and then started thinking...what if she emails my husband on his other account and lets him know. I want to tell her husband. Our marriage counselor told me that I should give her warning. Yikes! What have I done.
I think you should tell her husband. He does deserve to know and I hope that if someone knew that I was being cheated on that they would let me know too.
Whether he's violent or not (she's probably lying anyway), it's her problem not yours.
Generally speaking, I have seen on SI, the BW is told that the OWBH is violent. Or the BH is told the OMBW is crazy, vindictive. It is normally false because cheaters lie. (even to themselves). They will tell their AP anything to get a reaction, to further the fantasy, to manipulate the sitch. FWH and OW2 loved to rationalize the cheating by saying her BH was mean, abusive, controlling and I was mean and put down FWH. Except we all knew eachother, and although you can't know what happens behind closed doors, I knew they were exaggerating incidents for their own purpose.
Tell the other BH. Keeping the truth from him doesn't mean he won't find out. I found out about FWH online EA almost 3 years after it ended and 1 year after DDay for the PA.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Whether he's violent or not (she's probably lying anyway), it's her problem not yours.
The WSs had their affair without any consideration of whom they would hurt, so that should not be your concern. You're not responsible at all. She AND your WH should've taken her BS' abusive reputation into account.
BSs can also turn into violent people after affairs. (Jean Harris, Lorenal Bobbitt, etc.) They didn't consider that either, huh?
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
If people only cheated when they were sure it was completely "safe", nobody would cheat.
I do agree that the abusive husband story is often a lie. But it can certainly be true. BTW, I did help my former friend when she was in the hospital and after (kids needed attention, etc), but I haven't spoken to her since she recuperated.
But, I have also read that some of the other common lies that OW gives
for why you should not contact the other BS is that the BS has a medical condition & the news would be the final straw that would kill them.
But this one is inventive---that he is abusive.
Definitely contact him, but don't tell your WH or OW that you are going to do it.
etc, et al. 99% of the time, it's true. The 1% of the time that there might be some truth can be summed up by this sentence. Not My Problem. Being brutally honest, if it was a choice of the WS being beaten into a coma or being allowed to continue to contact my FWH, then bring on the coma. My primary obligation is to my family, not theirs.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I've been tempted to do something like that but haven't.
There are some interesting websites where some are free and some want money, but one thing some can do is search for websites a person is on.
I'm finally to the point where it's too much to see things or the names, but when I was looking for dirt, it was an interesting find.
The other thing I meant to mention is that now that I'm on this side of the fence, I am a lot easier going with the one person who is a friend who told me she knew some of STBXH's behavior and activities. She's a fellow BS and a whole bunch of people knew but didn't tell me.
It's another bees nest to sort out, how to treat or what to do with a person who knew pertinent info. but didn't say anything.
It's my belief that if it's bugging you not to tell the H, then maybe you should think about telling him. I think it's something like guilt because you know something about him?
I hope you can make a decision soon and find some peace.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
I ask this because you have in one post you have to horrendously bad pices of info and advice.
A counselor worth their salt would not try to "read" someone's mind, which is what yours did when she said it looked like OW knew it was you and suggested the OW's ulterior motive. Most counselors would never do such a thing, only work with quantifiable knowledge, not guessing.
Secondly, the MC is obviously not experienced in counseling for infidelity, or s/he wouldn't have suggested warning the OW. That normally only backfires on the BS because the OP will usually do one of three things:
- try to prevent the BS from contacting their BS
- lay the groundwork for making the BS out to be crazy and focused on the OP instead of the "real" (made up) OP or other issue.
- file for harassment against the BS
If you were an abused wife -- would you dare to cheat on your husband? Just saying...
Isn't it comical how MANY cheaters seem to be married to "abusers?" And when they're caught at their dirty little game, they always use that excuse to avoid having their betrayed spouse find out about it.
Golly gee, what a coincidence that is.
If my significant other were abusive, I'd be too damned PETRIFIED to go out skanking around behind his back. Yet, this OW risked a life-threatening beat-down just to screw around behind her husband's back. Why, she's almost a hero for being so brave!
Lastly, if I had a dime for every single time I've read this on SI - a cheater claiming their affair partner's spouse is 'abusive,' I'd be rich.
What's so stupid about this is that even if I was abusive or her BH was abusive, that DOES NOT give them a reason to cheat! It would certainly give my WH the right to LEAVE me, and it would certainly give MOW the right to LEAVE her BH, but it DOES NOT EVER give them a valid excuse to cheat.
I would say tell the BH no matter what. Whether he is abusive or not, he deserves the right to know. Let's pretend he is abusive, then she needs to leave him and get herself some help from family, friends, women's shelters, etc., but there is nothing you or your husband should be doing about that. Obviously, there's nothing your WH could do to help that situation. He only adds fuel to the fire and makes things worse for her. And also pretending this guy is violent (again, highly doubtful), think of the danger your WH is putting himself and you in if the BH were to become vindictive.
Please tell the BH and then make sure you and your WH remain absolutely no contact with these people. That bitch needs a no contact letter from your WH, like yesterday, and the threat of a restraining order if she tries again..
Lots of hugs and support to you. Good luck.
Since I didn't hear back from you I have been wondering what was the fate of our emails? In retrospect, it never occurred to me that they would ever be seen by anybody except you. Had I thought through the possibility, I would not have made myself so vulnerable. I have been emotionally suppressed in my marriage and it felt good to be honest with my thoughts/feelings and I trusted you completely. I said I had no regrets, and on an individual level that remains true, you helped me through a very difficult time. In context, our friendship developed and my long held stress of living with PTSD was somewhat released. However, I guarded our emails with a paranoia of someone who knew they could never be discovered by my husband. With Ed's explosive history, I hope you understand my current fear.
I hope it's obvious that I never meant to hurt anybody when I reached out to you through facebook. I remembered you all these years as such a kind, gentle, and truly good person. When we started writing, I found that same wonderful man. I'm so sorry for the pain I have brought to you and your family. You have always remained true to your desire to work things out with _______. It's ironic that all of this was discovered after you asked me to discontinue writing so that you could focus on healing your marriage. I am deeply saddened that my emotions carried me to the point where it may not be possible to salvage our friendship. There are no words, only tears, to communicate how much I miss your wit, humor, and wisdom. I will always remember our email journey as a time when you brought life back into my dead soul. I truly hope that ________ understands and that the two of you are able to renew your commitment and love for each other. I will not write again, but I would appreciate a response simply to appease any fears I am harboring related to our emails being public.
I know that this was not just an "email Journey." I also know that my husband became completely emotionally distanced from me during their A. His intentions were not to heal our marriage. He was working to make me give up. Even after he told me about the A and promised to work on our marriage, he met her while she was on vacation, gave her a love poem, walked with her on the beach, and kissed her. For days after that they made a mockery of me by sending misleading emails with secret messages inside. I didn't catch on until I got into their "secret Love" account. I don't know if I will be able to feel safe with him again though I am trying to wait and see what happens with us.
[This message edited by LearningToFly at 4:08 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
Our OW was abused too.
Boy was her husband ever shocked. Other than the fact he was OW's BH he was a really sincerly nice guy.
The only abuse that ever happend was done by her own hand - as in throwing herself out of a moving truck for drama and affect.
Sadly, for a long time Mr Lucky actually believed it.
I had been in an abusive relationship prior to him, once I began pointing out how none of this made sense and the danger she would have put herself and family in... uhmm no.
Wonder how much of her relationship history is actually truth and how much is just a bunch of lies so that WH will pity her and try to be her KISA