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I answered the OW

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LearningToFly posted 5/4/2013 06:52 AM

I took over my husbands secret affair account. He is trying to R the best he can. She emailed the account a couple weeks ago to ask him if it was secure and talked about her violent husband. I took her email to my therapist today and she said it sounded like OW knew I had it and was really writing to me and asking that I don't tell her husband. Its been bugging me. I know her husband deserves to know.

I just emailed her back simply saying. "I hope by now you told him what you did. He deserves to know." I pushed send and then started thinking...what if she emails my husband on his other account and lets him know. I want to tell her husband. Our marriage counselor told me that I should give her warning. Yikes! What have I done.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 5/4/2013 07:10 AM

Why would she suspect that it was you answering unless your husband told her you had taken over the account?

I think you should tell her husband. He does deserve to know and I hope that if someone knew that I was being cheated on that they would let me know too.

Whether he's violent or not (she's probably lying anyway), it's her problem not yours.

emmawa posted 5/4/2013 07:19 AM

It's just another textbook ow statement. It's a ploy for her to gain your sympathy. Nothing more. Probably not even true. Affair partners lie. 99% of the time
when this is said:when the bs's talk it is found to be absulute bullshit and the bs is just as nice and
just as devistated as you. I have witnessed this phenomenon over and over. Besides 2 sets of eyes are better than one. Easier to keep tabs on both of them. And If her bs knows she will have her hands full and be more likely to remain nc and
Less fishing attempts are usually made. If ow really were being abused she would be so afraid of the consiquences of her cheating by him her bs finding out it would be very likely she would not have cheated. I believe she is lying. Oh and tell your mc that she/ he have their head up their ass. With warning the ow will come up with some excuse. Ie your ws is lying, or stalking her, or she pissed you off and you are lying to get back at her or hurt her. She will deny deny deny and her bs may believe her over you. Don't give her time to spin her story. She did not care about hurting you. Why should you really care about her? Did she give you any consideration? I don't think she did. Ow are selfish and it is all about them. She is just once again making this all about her. She is the ""victim". Don't believe her. Do what makes you feel better on this long shitty rollercoaster. Take care of yourself. Think about what you need. She does not deserve any space in your head for worry, she did not worry about you.

isadora posted 5/4/2013 09:03 AM

It's not your secret to keep. Yes there are instances where the AP is married to an abuser (there are a some Waywards on SI that are in this group).

Generally speaking, I have seen on SI, the BW is told that the OWBH is violent. Or the BH is told the OMBW is crazy, vindictive. It is normally false because cheaters lie. (even to themselves). They will tell their AP anything to get a reaction, to further the fantasy, to manipulate the sitch. FWH and OW2 loved to rationalize the cheating by saying her BH was mean, abusive, controlling and I was mean and put down FWH. Except we all knew eachother, and although you can't know what happens behind closed doors, I knew they were exaggerating incidents for their own purpose.

Tell the other BH. Keeping the truth from him doesn't mean he won't find out. I found out about FWH online EA almost 3 years after it ended and 1 year after DDay for the PA.

Take2 posted 5/4/2013 09:12 AM

If you were an abused wife -- would you dare to cheat on your husband? Just saying...

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/4/2013 10:51 AM

OW in our sitch lied about being an abused wife. It is a classic ploy they use so please do NOT believe her. It is highly unlikely that a woman who was truly being abused would dare to cheat on her abusive husband. She would be too terrified of him to betray him to that degree. Tell her BH, he has a right to know that he is married to a ho. Do NOT warn her first she will gaslight the hell out of her BH and he won't believe you. So what if your WH knows you replied to her fishing attempt? He better NOT have a problem with it, know what I mean?

hopingforhappy posted 5/4/2013 13:48 PM

My FWH's OW filed false police reports--called and said that her BH was being physically violent with her, then when the police showed up, he was magically gone and she did not have a mark on her. She did this twice. It was so obviously a fraud, although my FWH believed it at the time. It is classic OW behavior. Their BH is always violent, abusive, etc. It is a plea for sympathy from you WH--or sometimes it is a way to try to keep you from telling her BH. either way, it is mostly likely untrue.

cheerless posted 5/4/2013 14:33 PM

Whether he's violent or not (she's probably lying anyway), it's her problem not yours.


The WSs had their affair without any consideration of whom they would hurt, so that should not be your concern. You're not responsible at all. She AND your WH should've taken her BS' abusive reputation into account.

BSs can also turn into violent people after affairs. (Jean Harris, Lorenal Bobbitt, etc.) They didn't consider that either, huh?

StrongerOne posted 5/4/2013 15:28 PM

If you were an abused spouse you might indeed cheat on your violent H or W. My former BFF was married to an angry and abusive man. She cheated on him (that's why she's my former friend), and he beat her badly enough to send her to the hospital.

If people only cheated when they were sure it was completely "safe", nobody would cheat.

I do agree that the abusive husband story is often a lie. But it can certainly be true. BTW, I did help my former friend when she was in the hospital and after (kids needed attention, etc), but I haven't spoken to her since she recuperated.

mchercheur posted 5/4/2013 15:44 PM

The OW in my situation was single so I don't have personal experience with this.

But, I have also read that some of the other common lies that OW gives
for why you should not contact the other BS is that the BS has a medical condition & the news would be the final straw that would kill them.
But this one is inventive---that he is abusive.

Definitely contact him, but don't tell your WH or OW that you are going to do it.

Skan posted 5/4/2013 18:47 PM

Classic lies the OW/M says to manipulate:
- My BS is violent and will hurt me/my children
- I'm pregnant
- I lost the baby
- I have/my (relative of choice) has cancer and I need support
- My BS and I live separate lives by choice

etc, et al. 99% of the time, it's true. The 1% of the time that there might be some truth can be summed up by this sentence. Not My Problem. Being brutally honest, if it was a choice of the WS being beaten into a coma or being allowed to continue to contact my FWH, then bring on the coma. My primary obligation is to my family, not theirs.

Ashland13 posted 5/4/2013 20:04 PM

I know that STBXH made choices too, but I've always felt like OW did something like this. I think it's because he was so confused about leaving or staying and had decided to stay, done all the right things, and BAM! It was so sudden that I wonder even bribery or manipulation, but yes, I do know that he also went, i.e., "it takes two."

I've been tempted to do something like that but haven't.

There are some interesting websites where some are free and some want money, but one thing some can do is search for websites a person is on.

I'm finally to the point where it's too much to see things or the names, but when I was looking for dirt, it was an interesting find.

The other thing I meant to mention is that now that I'm on this side of the fence, I am a lot easier going with the one person who is a friend who told me she knew some of STBXH's behavior and activities. She's a fellow BS and a whole bunch of people knew but didn't tell me.

It's another bees nest to sort out, how to treat or what to do with a person who knew pertinent info. but didn't say anything.

It's my belief that if it's bugging you not to tell the H, then maybe you should think about telling him. I think it's something like guilt because you know something about him?

I hope you can make a decision soon and find some peace.

Offhispedestal posted 5/4/2013 22:28 PM

Take2... What you said just stuck in my head and I wasn't planning to reply until your post.
It's absolutely true!
If you have a violent husband, a mean husband, treats you bad, calls you names.... No way that your first thought is to cheat!! Maybe plan on escaping somehow?? But cheating.
So many men fall for the "my husband abuses me, hits, or is violent. I think that should make the guy think "if she's so scared, what is she doing talking to a married man???

Holly-Isis posted 5/5/2013 21:45 PM

Is your IC also your MC?

I ask this because you have in one post you have to horrendously bad pices of info and advice.

A counselor worth their salt would not try to "read" someone's mind, which is what yours did when she said it looked like OW knew it was you and suggested the OW's ulterior motive. Most counselors would never do such a thing, only work with quantifiable knowledge, not guessing.

Secondly, the MC is obviously not experienced in counseling for infidelity, or s/he wouldn't have suggested warning the OW. That normally only backfires on the BS because the OP will usually do one of three things:
- try to prevent the BS from contacting their BS
- lay the groundwork for making the BS out to be crazy and focused on the OP instead of the "real" (made up) OP or other issue.
- file for harassment against the BS

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/6/2013 08:37 AM

If you were an abused wife -- would you dare to cheat on your husband? Just saying...


Isn't it comical how MANY cheaters seem to be married to "abusers?" And when they're caught at their dirty little game, they always use that excuse to avoid having their betrayed spouse find out about it.

Golly gee, what a coincidence that is.


If my significant other were abusive, I'd be too damned PETRIFIED to go out skanking around behind his back. Yet, this OW risked a life-threatening beat-down just to screw around behind her husband's back. Why, she's almost a hero for being so brave!

Lastly, if I had a dime for every single time I've read this on SI - a cheater claiming their affair partner's spouse is 'abusive,' I'd be rich.


Tell him.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/6/2013 09:06 AM

It's just so ridiculous how many times the cheaters falsely claim abuse from their spouses. Of course MOW's husband was abusive, and he told her I was too

What's so stupid about this is that even if I was abusive or her BH was abusive, that DOES NOT give them a reason to cheat! It would certainly give my WH the right to LEAVE me, and it would certainly give MOW the right to LEAVE her BH, but it DOES NOT EVER give them a valid excuse to cheat.

I would say tell the BH no matter what. Whether he is abusive or not, he deserves the right to know. Let's pretend he is abusive, then she needs to leave him and get herself some help from family, friends, women's shelters, etc., but there is nothing you or your husband should be doing about that. Obviously, there's nothing your WH could do to help that situation. He only adds fuel to the fire and makes things worse for her. And also pretending this guy is violent (again, highly doubtful), think of the danger your WH is putting himself and you in if the BH were to become vindictive.

Please tell the BH and then make sure you and your WH remain absolutely no contact with these people. That bitch needs a no contact letter from your WH, like yesterday, and the threat of a restraining order if she tries again..

Lots of hugs and support to you. Good luck.

mainlyinpain posted 5/6/2013 09:11 AM

My BS started with the OW when she cried on his shoulder saying she needed help with her divorce because her husband was abusive. Found out years later from her daughter that she got divorced because her husband cheated on her! She said never abused her. Didn't realize this was such a classic ploy used by OW but apparently it is. Disgusting. Talk to OWH. Give him information about his own life. He deserves that. She can leave him at any time. Don't be manipulated by her. She has already taken enough from you.
Good luck on your R. Hope you and H can find a peaceful life without this thing dirtying it up. I agree that your therapist doesn't seem to be giving you good advice. Try another one. It is hard to start over with your story, but just try a better one.

LearningToFly posted 5/6/2013 15:34 PM

This is the letter from the OW that I read to my IC. When she told me she believed that the OW was really writing it for me, I agreed. She was actually validating my feelings. I thought that the first time I read it, mostly because I knew that there were so many lies in it. It doesn't take much mind reading to see that she wants me to keep her secret from her BH.

Since I didn't hear back from you I have been wondering what was the fate of our emails? In retrospect, it never occurred to me that they would ever be seen by anybody except you. Had I thought through the possibility, I would not have made myself so vulnerable. I have been emotionally suppressed in my marriage and it felt good to be honest with my thoughts/feelings and I trusted you completely. I said I had no regrets, and on an individual level that remains true, you helped me through a very difficult time. In context, our friendship developed and my long held stress of living with PTSD was somewhat released. However, I guarded our emails with a paranoia of someone who knew they could never be discovered by my husband. With Ed's explosive history, I hope you understand my current fear.

I hope it's obvious that I never meant to hurt anybody when I reached out to you through facebook. I remembered you all these years as such a kind, gentle, and truly good person. When we started writing, I found that same wonderful man. I'm so sorry for the pain I have brought to you and your family. You have always remained true to your desire to work things out with _______. It's ironic that all of this was discovered after you asked me to discontinue writing so that you could focus on healing your marriage. I am deeply saddened that my emotions carried me to the point where it may not be possible to salvage our friendship. There are no words, only tears, to communicate how much I miss your wit, humor, and wisdom. I will always remember our email journey as a time when you brought life back into my dead soul. I truly hope that ________ understands and that the two of you are able to renew your commitment and love for each other. I will not write again, but I would appreciate a response simply to appease any fears I am harboring related to our emails being public.

I know that this was not just an "email Journey." I also know that my husband became completely emotionally distanced from me during their A. His intentions were not to heal our marriage. He was working to make me give up. Even after he told me about the A and promised to work on our marriage, he met her while she was on vacation, gave her a love poem, walked with her on the beach, and kissed her. For days after that they made a mockery of me by sending misleading emails with secret messages inside. I didn't catch on until I got into their "secret Love" account. I don't know if I will be able to feel safe with him again though I am trying to wait and see what happens with us.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 4:08 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Lucky posted 5/6/2013 15:49 PM

Our OW was abused too.

Boy was her husband ever shocked. Other than the fact he was OW's BH he was a really sincerly nice guy.

The only abuse that ever happend was done by her own hand - as in throwing herself out of a moving truck for drama and affect.

Sadly, for a long time Mr Lucky actually believed it.

I had been in an abusive relationship prior to him, once I began pointing out how none of this made sense and the danger she would have put herself and family in... uhmm no.

sunshine226 posted 5/6/2013 19:58 PM

found out from WH that OW claims that the father of her first child abused her.....and the father of her second child wanted her to quit working and stay home with the kids.....both kids have no relationship with their fathers, first child a little bit but second one has none, so now my WH has become a father fiqure to them (ages 19 and 10) while his own children have been, for lack of a better word, abandoned

Wonder how much of her relationship history is actually truth and how much is just a bunch of lies so that WH will pity her and try to be her KISA

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