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blackkat posted 5/4/2013 09:40 AM

Hi All

If anyone has read my recent posts on Why can't I explain Why knows that I've been trying to explain details, whys and wherefores of my A to my BS. He is asking questions in writing which is helping as it lets me compose answers honestly and properly. But he is asking for written details of the sexual acts; and I mean DETAILS!

Should I do this? I am willing to do anything to help him heal - but I'm not sure this is going to help ... Have any WS done this or BS requested this? Did it help? Or was it just more material for triggers? Any advice from those further in the path than me greatly appreciated!! xx

badchoice posted 5/4/2013 09:47 AM

blackkat - for me, the whys took a little while to really figure out. Not sure when your dday was, but you registration date makes me think it is rather recent.

In the first 3 months, maybe a little longer, i personally was still in the very surface mode of the whys. It has taken me the better part of a 6 months to 9 months to really get to the bottom of all of my whys. I know the dreaded word around here is time, but time plus a lot of digging, is what is needed IMO to really get to your whys.

As far as details, my BW wanted to know all of the details, and a written time line. If that is what he is asking for, and you want R, then you need to give it to him. It helps the BS put the pieces of the puzzle together.

tryingmybest2011 posted 5/4/2013 09:47 AM

You should do it.

At this point, it's not your decision as to what will help and what will hinder his healing.

Your compliance with his request with be one of those actions that us BS are always looking for.

If he's asked for it, give it to him. Let go of the outcome.

Good luck, blackkat.

inconnu posted 5/4/2013 09:50 AM

If a BS is asking for details, it is because they believe they need those details. Please don't decide for your BH what he needs to know, or doesn't.

hurtsobadinside posted 5/4/2013 09:52 AM

Each BS needs different details to heal. One shoe does not fit all.
With that being said, if you are asked a question give the correct truthful honest answer. If details are asked for, give details in your answer.
The truth will hurt, but nowhere near the hurt and pain more lies cause.
Plus in answering honestly and apologizing for the pain you have caused will show you are committed, to "R" and willing to putting in all the hard work that comes with this journey
If I can impart one thing to you....its to be
completely TT ing
Sending you strength for this roller coaster journey

BS- me 59
WS-her 58
LTA--7 yrs. PA&EA with former boss
1 Daughter 24 - reformed eating disorder left with excessive OCB
Dday- April 2012
Married 25 yrs.
I did contact AP's faithful wife and advised her of everything
Status: in "R" and finally getting better

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 2:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

blackkat posted 5/4/2013 09:53 AM

Thanks to you both - yes my DDay is pretty recent - it was only Feb of this year. Sounds like its time to take a deep breath and commit the sorry-arsed sorrid tale on paper.. Ive already done a timeline - but I hadn't accounted for the sexual details which is what he is asking for! Here goes ...

HardenMyHeart posted 5/4/2013 11:28 AM

BH here.

I asked my fWW for explicit details, and yes it helped very much.

If you truly want to reconcile your marriage, now is the time for open and honest communication. Secrets are the death of a marriage. As long as you don't reveal the requested details, your BH will assume you are still lying and hiding things.

Without the details, your mind imagines the worst possible scenarios. As you reveal the information, be respectful of his feelings, but also be honest. Your BH knows you well and he will sense if you are answering in half-truths. Allow him space to express anger if needed.

Writing things down is a good idea, because it will allow your BH to review the answers as needed. This may help reduce him asking you the same questions over and over from different angles.

It may be helpful for you to read "Joseph's Letter" in The Healing Library. This will give you a better perspective of what your BH is thinking.

5454real posted 5/4/2013 11:48 AM

BH also. I also wanted all the details. Yes it hurt incredibly much to find out exactly what she had done. However, the reality paled in comparison to the mind movies I was able to create. The only caution I might have is that once you know something, you can't unknow it.

please be honest with him.

Sal1995 posted 5/4/2013 15:53 PM

BS here, and I agree with the others - BH is entitled to the details. If he's asking for them, then he needs them. He is imagining the absolute worst, so all your honesty will do is either confirm the worst, or something less than the worst.

I think what we really are trying to reestablish is openness and honesty in our most important relationship. I'm still new at dealing with this, but honesty and transparency are the first steps toward regaining trust (at least I think so, see me in 2 years).

Best of luck.

JustForgave posted 5/4/2013 16:50 PM

Another BS here.

I agree with everyone else--tell him what he wants to know. But I'd like to add: you say "I'm not sure this is going to help."

At this point, please don't make any more decisions for your BH. My own WH recently, in answer to one of my questions, said, "I don't have an answer that'll make you happy! I don't see what good an answer will do!" My response was, "I don't want an answer that'll make me happy, I want the truth!"

That's what this is about--TRUTH! He's been lied to by the one person he thought he could trust, and needs to see and hear NOTHING but truth coming from you now, no matter how much you think it'll hurt him. He knows what he needs.

Good for you for coming here! Hang in there!

toomanyregrets posted 5/4/2013 17:04 PM

BS hee.
If your BS wants details to help him heal, then give him details. It's his choice.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/4/2013 17:37 PM

I can't stress the importance of truth about everything, no matter how much you think it will hurt him.

This is why my M is such shit right now. My SAWH has lied his ass off to me about details since day one, just got more of the "truth" two weeks ago and it set me back to the very beginning.

The way it is with me, not saying your H is like this, but every single thing I have gotten him to confess was something I already knew he was lying about because his version of the truth made no sense. We BS have a real sixth sense about this stuff.

So to repeat what others have said, please tell him whatever he needs to know ASAP. You won't regretit if you want to save your marriage. Wishing you luck.

Sal1995 posted 5/4/2013 18:15 PM

Another thing to consider: your BH already knows what you will do and won't do in bed. Sometimes these questions are mainly geared towards finding out how committed you are to being honest and transparent. An affair by its nature requires dishonesty and secrecy.

blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 19:53 PM

Yet another BS here. Pulled up this post hoping to find WS see their perspective on this basic question.

I am a BS that needs details. If details are left out my mind has a hay-day. I actually had my wife drive me to the farmhouse in the country that the OM owned as a weekend getway...this is where they met to have sex. I had her point out which rooms by window they had sex in.

Sure it was hard...but it did help me put together the puzzle I have been handed.

TT was a way of life for my wife...and it has added a pile of new stuff to dig through and deal with.

Please, if details are asked give them. If direct questions are asked fill in with direct full answers.

Dont pull a Bill Clinton...offer up what you as a caring person know what your spouse is driving at. Dont spin anything.

God be with us all.

Apple3point14 posted 5/4/2013 20:22 PM

You should tell him everything he wants to know. It really is about him. If he is going to process this he needs answers. He deserves answers. You know the nitty gritty details and he deserves to. Tell it as early as possible. I tt,d changed details about exactly where it happened and I regret it deeply. It caused even more pain and set r back. Never again. Telling the details is hard ,I know, but anything that can possibly help him Doit for him.

FaithStricken posted 5/4/2013 21:58 PM

For a BS the details are horrific. But getting the truth and having our WS face it ... every terrible detail... is important in order to reconcile otherwise the secrets of details can create an even bigger distance between spouses.

Honest1 posted 5/5/2013 00:03 AM


BH here. I commend your concern for your BS and your wanting to help him heal. I haven't posted for a very long time but saw your post and felt I should reply to your post. I didn't see a Stop sign.

I think you should give your BH the truth if you want to help him heal and are wanting to R. The reason I say this is that I needed details from my WW so I could heal and begin rebuilding trust that the A took away.
Despite the hurt and betrayal of the A I still was hoping for R.
Unfortunately my WW was never willing to give me any indepth details of the A; no details on sexual acts, and a very vague timeline.

In the end I never got the details nor the opportunity to rebuilt the trust needed.

You seem to know what your BS needs to know and seem sincere in helping him heal. I wish you well.

knightsbff posted 5/5/2013 02:46 AM

My BH wanted details. I answered his questions. It was hard and it was humiliating. But there are no more secrets or lies between us. I would advise you to tell the truth. All of it.

Changed72 posted 5/5/2013 13:44 PM

BS here also.

My WW is very vague with her answers on everything. Timeline is somewhat together, but just as many missing parts in it. There are so many days that are unaccountable for.

As far as the details on the acts, she is vague there also. She has said sex wasn't the focal point of the A's. So there isn't alot that happened sexually. So then I think she should remember more then, but she can't.

So I'm coming to a crossroad...
In her mind, she never want to lose me all this time, but she did everything she could to accomplish that.
Now with our M in the line, she just can't figure out, or remember the details. Go figure.

So blackkat, if you have those details, tell him.
I wish I had them.


But you can make it hurt a little less.

blackkat posted 5/5/2013 14:35 PM

Oh thank you very much for those who have posted - both BS and WS. Advice has all been very consistent so its very clear what I need to do - 'man up' and start writing.

The words from JustForgave really hit home (thank you!!) in that thinking 'it wont help' I am making decisions on what I think is going to help him. I can now see that I've no right on judging whats going to help him in his R.

I can honestly say I am absolutely terrified at the thought - but I just need to write it down and try and let go of the outcome. Wish me luck folks - will let you know how I get on!!

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