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Newest Member: Maggie1000 (45722)

User Topic: He wants details
blackkat
♀ 39101
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All

If anyone has read my recent posts on Why can't I explain Why knows that I've been trying to explain details, whys and wherefores of my A to my BS. He is asking questions in writing which is helping as it lets me compose answers honestly and properly. But he is asking for written details of the sexual acts; and I mean DETAILS!

Should I do this? I am willing to do anything to help him heal - but I'm not sure this is going to help ... Have any WS done this or BS requested this? Did it help? Or was it just more material for triggers? Any advice from those further in the path than me greatly appreciated!! xx


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blackkat - for me, the whys took a little while to really figure out. Not sure when your dday was, but you registration date makes me think it is rather recent.

In the first 3 months, maybe a little longer, i personally was still in the very surface mode of the whys. It has taken me the better part of a 6 months to 9 months to really get to the bottom of all of my whys. I know the dreaded word around here is time, but time plus a lot of digging, is what is needed IMO to really get to your whys.

As far as details, my BW wanted to know all of the details, and a written time line. If that is what he is asking for, and you want R, then you need to give it to him. It helps the BS put the pieces of the puzzle together.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
tryingmybest2011
♀ 32584
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should do it.

At this point, it's not your decision as to what will help and what will hinder his healing.

Your compliance with his request with be one of those actions that us BS are always looking for.

If he's asked for it, give it to him. Let go of the outcome.

Good luck, blackkat.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a BS is asking for details, it is because they believe they need those details. Please don't decide for your BH what he needs to know, or doesn't.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
hurtsobadinside
♂ 35308
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each BS needs different details to heal. One shoe does not fit all.
With that being said, if you are asked a question give the correct truthful honest answer. If details are asked for, give details in your answer.
The truth will hurt, but nowhere near the hurt and pain more lies cause.
Plus in answering honestly and apologizing for the pain you have caused will show you are committed, to "R" and willing to putting in all the hard work that comes with this journey
If I can impart one thing to you....its to be
completely honest...no TT ing
Sending you strength for this roller coaster journey

BS- me 59
WS-her 58
LTA--7 yrs. PA&EA with former boss
1 Daughter 24 - reformed eating disorder left with excessive OCB
Dday- April 2012
Married 25 yrs.
I did contact AP's faithful wife and advised her of everything
Status: in "R" and finally getting better

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 2:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
blackkat
♀ 39101
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to you both - yes my DDay is pretty recent - it was only Feb of this year. Sounds like its time to take a deep breath and commit the sorry-arsed sorrid tale on paper.. Ive already done a timeline - but I hadn't accounted for the sexual details which is what he is asking for! Here goes ...

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here.

I asked my fWW for explicit details, and yes it helped very much.

If you truly want to reconcile your marriage, now is the time for open and honest communication. Secrets are the death of a marriage. As long as you don't reveal the requested details, your BH will assume you are still lying and hiding things.

Without the details, your mind imagines the worst possible scenarios. As you reveal the information, be respectful of his feelings, but also be honest. Your BH knows you well and he will sense if you are answering in half-truths. Allow him space to express anger if needed.

Writing things down is a good idea, because it will allow your BH to review the answers as needed. This may help reduce him asking you the same questions over and over from different angles.

It may be helpful for you to read "Joseph's Letter" in The Healing Library. This will give you a better perspective of what your BH is thinking.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5711 | Registered: Aug 2007
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH also. I also wanted all the details. Yes it hurt incredibly much to find out exactly what she had done. However, the reality paled in comparison to the mind movies I was able to create. The only caution I might have is that once you know something, you can't unknow it.

please be honest with him.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, and I agree with the others - BH is entitled to the details. If he's asking for them, then he needs them. He is imagining the absolute worst, so all your honesty will do is either confirm the worst, or something less than the worst.

I think what we really are trying to reestablish is openness and honesty in our most important relationship. I'm still new at dealing with this, but honesty and transparency are the first steps toward regaining trust (at least I think so, see me in 2 years).

Best of luck.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
JustForgave
♀ 36038
Member # 36038
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BS here.

I agree with everyone else--tell him what he wants to know. But I'd like to add: you say "I'm not sure this is going to help."

At this point, please don't make any more decisions for your BH. My own WH recently, in answer to one of my questions, said, "I don't have an answer that'll make you happy! I don't see what good an answer will do!" My response was, "I don't want an answer that'll make me happy, I want the truth!"

That's what this is about--TRUTH! He's been lied to by the one person he thought he could trust, and needs to see and hear NOTHING but truth coming from you now, no matter how much you think it'll hurt him. He knows what he needs.

Good for you for coming here! Hang in there!


Me: 47
FWH: 40 (SI username: Bumbling)
DD: 11

DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present


Posts: 296 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
toomanyregrets
♂ 37740
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS hee.
If your BS wants details to help him heal, then give him details. It's his choice.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Tiredofthepain
♀ 37932
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stress the importance of truth about everything, no matter how much you think it will hurt him.

This is why my M is such shit right now. My SAWH has lied his ass off to me about details since day one, just got more of the "truth" two weeks ago and it set me back to the very beginning.

The way it is with me, not saying your H is like this, but every single thing I have gotten him to confess was something I already knew he was lying about because his version of the truth made no sense. We BS have a real sixth sense about this stuff.

So to repeat what others have said, please tell him whatever he needs to know ASAP. You won't regretit if you want to save your marriage. Wishing you luck.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing to consider: your BH already knows what you will do and won't do in bed. Sometimes these questions are mainly geared towards finding out how committed you are to being honest and transparent. An affair by its nature requires dishonesty and secrecy.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet another BS here. Pulled up this post hoping to find WS posting...to see their perspective on this basic question.

I am a BS that needs details. If details are left out my mind has a hay-day. I actually had my wife drive me to the farmhouse in the country that the OM owned as a weekend getway...this is where they met to have sex. I had her point out which rooms by window they had sex in.

Sure it was hard...but it did help me put together the puzzle I have been handed.

TT was a way of life for my wife...and it has added a pile of new stuff to dig through and deal with.

Please, if details are asked give them. If direct questions are asked fill in with direct full answers.

Dont pull a Bill Clinton...offer up what you as a caring person know what your spouse is driving at. Dont spin anything.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Apple3point14
♂ 39035
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should tell him everything he wants to know. It really is about him. If he is going to process this he needs answers. He deserves answers. You know the nitty gritty details and he deserves to. Tell it as early as possible. I tt,d changed details about exactly where it happened and I regret it deeply. It caused even more pain and set r back. Never again. Telling the details is hard ,I know, but anything that can possibly help him Doit for him.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
FaithStricken
♀ 34080
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a BS the details are horrific. But getting the truth and having our WS face it ... every terrible detail... is important in order to reconcile otherwise the secrets of details can create an even bigger distance between spouses.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
Honest1
♂ 29976
Member # 29976
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blackkat,

BH here. I commend your concern for your BS and your wanting to help him heal. I haven't posted for a very long time but saw your post and felt I should reply to your post. I didn't see a Stop sign.

I think you should give your BH the truth if you want to help him heal and are wanting to R. The reason I say this is that I needed details from my WW so I could heal and begin rebuilding trust that the A took away.
Despite the hurt and betrayal of the A I still was hoping for R.
Unfortunately my WW was never willing to give me any indepth details of the A; no details on sexual acts, and a very vague timeline.

In the end I never got the details nor the opportunity to rebuilt the trust needed.

You seem to know what your BS needs to know and seem sincere in helping him heal. I wish you well.


BS 49
WW 47
SPa May 3rd 2010
D-day Oct 6th 2010 WS asked for R
D-day2 Oct 17th 2010 WS breaks NC
2 Kids ages 5 & 8
Separated 11/07/2010

Posts: 135 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Midwest
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH wanted details. I answered his questions. It was hard and it was humiliating. But there are no more secrets or lies between us. I would advise you to tell the truth. All of it.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Changed72
♂ 38723
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here also.

My WW is very vague with her answers on everything. Timeline is somewhat together, but just as many missing parts in it. There are so many days that are unaccountable for.

As far as the details on the acts, she is vague there also. She has said sex wasn't the focal point of the A's. So there isn't alot that happened sexually. So then I think she should remember more then, but she can't.

So I'm coming to a crossroad...
In her mind, she never want to lose me all this time, but she did everything she could to accomplish that.
Now with our M in the line, she just can't figure out, or remember the details. Go figure.

So blackkat, if you have those details, tell him.
I wish I had them.

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!!!

THE TRUTH HURTS!!!
But you can make it hurt a little less.


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
blackkat
♀ 39101
Member # 39101
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thank you very much for those who have posted - both BS and WS. Advice has all been very consistent so its very clear what I need to do - 'man up' and start writing.

The words from JustForgave really hit home (thank you!!) in that thinking 'it wont help' I am making decisions on what I think is going to help him. I can now see that I've no right on judging whats going to help him in his R.

I can honestly say I am absolutely terrified at the thought - but I just need to write it down and try and let go of the outcome. Wish me luck folks - will let you know how I get on!!


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 51
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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