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D day #2- finances and time?

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westerly posted 5/4/2013 09:41 AM

D day #1 was almost 2 years ago. My wife went back to her home country (I was at sea... I'm a ship's captain) for a month with my stepson to spend time with family. She pawned my stepson off on family for a few days and flew across her country to have the PA that came from the online EA she was having behind my back. D day was a few months later, and was ugly, but we were really doing well (I thought), especially these past 6 months. My mother-In-Law took ill, and I wiped out half of my 401k to pay for multiple surgeries about 7 weeks ago. My WW went down to care for her mom for 2 weeks, and my stepson stayed with relatives- this all happened while I was at sea on another voyage.
WW and I came home about the same time. She was acting weird- prior experience was setting off alarms, but she has the experience now to go underground, but screwed up on a few little things, enough to make me wonder. I looked at deleted files on our camera's disk, and sure enough there were pictures from a hotel room with OM from 2 years ago. She snuck away for 2 days with him.

She has no plans to leave me for OM, as he's poor(ish) and in her 3rd world country of origin, but she's fogged out, and that's another story. Wants to reconcile, but keeps telling me she does't think I can forgive her again. I said the same thing, but I won't make rash decisions anyhow.
Truth is, I emptied our savings account, and can't touch my 401k for 3 years after taking 50k out of it as a loan. I didn't walk because I'm broke, mostly, and can't afford it.
S, on Tues I go home for 2 weeks, and I'm dreading it. She's apologetic and ashamed, I'm emascuated, and we've both been through IC- can't do MC because there's only one bilingual MC in my area, and she was a man-hater who instantly said that I was 100% responsible because I travel for work a month at a time.
Anyhow, I need to get through the next 2 weeks. I told her last month to take the 4 weeks I was away to think over what she wants. She wants R, but doesn't seem interested in actively trying for it.

I need to make some extra money to rebuild our savings, which means sacrificing time at home, but if we actually could R, I need to be there. I'm open to trying, I guess, but it feels hopeless.
So yesterday I saw that she texted OM a few times and he texted back. It's an overseas text, so the damn thing costs a buck or more each. I clamped down on it, but she claims that she was texting someone else in that region. I doubt it.

Anyhow, I realize that this is a victim puke, but I'm restarting the 180, and giving it a little time. Advice on the money situation would be helpful, in terms of whether I should stay out and make money, or go home and pave the way for a potential R if possible. I can't separate right now because I'm so ashamed of having to tell people about this, and I couldn't afford a place in the metro area where I live, plus, I love my stepson, and don't get enough time with him as it is.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/4/2013 09:50 AM

I think it's time your cheating wife got off her butt and earned some money to pay off her mother's surgeries. If she's gonna cheat, she can work for the money to do it. Give her no more cash to travel home unless her mom is nearly dying - and then an airline ticket pre-paid, and not enough to travel across that country for a hotel tryst with her boyfriend there.

I realize you mentioned a language barrier, but princess can clean houses or work in a market or store that primarily has clients who speak her language.

Or do you think she loves boyfriend back home and sees your marriage as her "job" to support her son and doesn't see you as a husband? I think it's time to find out before you continue with the marriage. I hope that's not how she sees it, and just uses him as a distraction from boredom. But if boredom is her problem, she needs language classes or whatever must be done to keep her from being so isolated.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:51 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

toomanyregrets posted 5/4/2013 10:11 AM

Since she's still in the fog and not really trying to R, you might be better off staying at sea for a while. You need the extra cash no matter what.
Right now your her bank account. You might want to open a new account in your name only and put all your future pay there. Let her see what being alone with no money is like.

Take2 posted 5/4/2013 10:50 AM

Westerly, you need to talk to an atty. Earning more money now could work against you if you D and have to pay Alimony... some will do phone consults, if you are still out to sea. Get the information before you do anything... and given her lack of effort and her ongoing A... it would be a good idea anyway to know where you stand.

There is no shame on you for what has happened, and it certainly isn't news within the maritime community. Brain storming a few other options, do you need to be located in a metropolitan area? Would your Co. pay for travel to and from the port of call? Would it be viable for you to go to a 2 and 2 schedule? (Please don't read that as blaming your time at sea -- but if you are looking for more face time at home it might help)...

[This message edited by Take2 at 10:52 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

bluewater posted 5/4/2013 12:34 PM

My advice would be for you to go see a good divorce lawyer so that you will know where you stand. That was you will know your options and be better able to make an informed decision.

Sorry you are back here.

westerly posted 5/6/2013 08:27 AM

Appt with the lawyer is set for the middle of the week. My plan is to engage the 180 fully, but I'm nervous that in doing so, I'm enabling the rug-sweeping that she desperately desires. Last time, I tried the 180 with some success, but occasionally exploded. I get the feeling this time that she's checked out, which means that I might be wasting my time, or she could be still fogged out. I guess there's no hurry and I can give her enough rope to hang herself if that's the choice she makes. Contemplating the dissolution of my family is killing me, but the idea of sitting and waiting to see if she wakes up seems worse in the medium-term, even if I plan to fill my time productively.
For those of you who tried the 180 with a fogged-out WS, how long did it take to see them internalize the effects?

Take2 posted 5/12/2013 09:19 AM

About the 180 - while it can lead to a foggy spouse waking up... there is no way to predict if it will have that effect. It is however very effective in helping you to disengage. It is the same thing with filing - on occasion it serves as a cold slap in the face and a wake up call. From that point though, you need to evaluate what it is they are upset at losing, you or money, lifestyle, convenience...

But the 180 helps you clear your head so you can think things through especially if you are living with a remorseless spouse. Not sure how that plays out once you go back to work...

Sorry westerly - I know it sucks! Worst thing I've ever been through... only way through it is through it.

Skan posted 5/12/2013 15:04 PM

Westerly, the 180 is for you. It's not a vehicle to snap your spouse out of their fog. It's to allow you to detatch enough so that you can work on yourself your mental health, your wishes and desires, and to take a somewhat calm and cool assessment of what you need to remain in a marriage. If a WW has clarity as to what they are going to loose during that time, it's a great side-effect. But it's all for YOU.

Frankly, I would do what you need to do at this time. If you feel that you need to rebuild your nest egg by working more hours, then I'd talk to a lawyer about that because the last thing that you want to do, is build a nest egg for an unremoserful WW to grab 1/2 of, especially since it was depleated by your support of her mom. Yes, she is your MIL, but essentially you've put yourself in a vulnerable place for the benefit of your spouses family. If you put in extra work to re-build your retirement, I would pursue either a legally-binding document saying that any money that you make from this point on for retirement belonged to you alone, or I would seriously consider a legal separation with the same language, freezing assets, so that if R is not possible, you don't get screwed again.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. As you can see from my tag line, I also find the sea necessary for my sanity, Captain.

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