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What are truths? What are needs?

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blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 10:48 AM

Okay...I had a few decent days.

This morning started out good. I snuggled with my wife as she woke (I had been up for hours, but came back to snuggle). Was a nice way to start the day.

Today my wife had a work appointment in a different town and I am to man her store front in our town.

Wife left for appointment, I went to the store. It was set up for the event today. I noticed a small gift bag with a customers name on it. The office was spotless so this giftbag was prominently displayed on the corner of a table. I remembered that my wife waited around her store for a customer to show up yesterday...but the customer never did. I thought maybe I was supposed to be ready for the customer to show up today....but my wife did not say anything about that. So I looked next to the package for a little more instruction and saw a note with the same customers name and phone number on it. I read below the phone number and the note read "High heels, trench coat, tying up".

I went from feeling okay to a deep sadness. (not anger for a change ). This is one of the items she and the OM discussed as turn ons. I wondered if, while my wife was waiting for this customer she started to doodle on the paper and wrote down what she was thinking...thinking sexual thoughts about the OM.

I resisted the urge to call my wife and ask her about this note. I then picked up my cell phone and saw I missed a call from my wife. NOTE: for some reason my wife and I cell phones stopped texting each other mid-day yesterday.

Torn between risking where our conversation would go and missing a detail about todays schedule I decided to call my wife...thinking I could and should just let this go.ife answered...everything was okay...she just had some last minute tips for me to do at the store today.

Then I did it....I asked her about the customer package, then the note I read.

I wont say she got really defensive but did ask if I were snooping around her store for clues to the A. She said it was okay if I did, she just wanted me to tell her the truth. The truth is I was NOT when I found the note...but that I had a strong urge to when i read the note. I told her that. She told me that note, complete with customer name, was written months ago. She had used that paper to take notes during one of our A discussions. Given her type of work this is likely.

She then asked what I was needing.

I have been pressing her to tell the truth so it was my turn.

I told her when I read the part of the note that pertained to the A that yes, I triggered and did indeed have the urge to search for more clues. My needs are the same...I have a need to feel safe and secure, that somehow she will not bring the hurt into our marriage again.

Anyone have any tips on how to handle this type of situation better then we are doing?

Any insight into what transpired today?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:57 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

struggling3 posted 5/4/2013 11:05 AM

My only insight from someone who is 16 months ahead of you is....this shit is going to happen. It will continue to happen. You don't always feel like you handle things perfectly. That's life. There is no handbook to tell us the perfect way to handle everything A related. Even if you read everything out there...it does not take your emotion, anxiety, extreme hurt, and other such things into consideration. The best you can do is try not to let it linger. Talk about it...and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Best of luck.

Rebreather posted 5/4/2013 11:42 AM

I think her use of the word "snoop" would infuriate me. It has such a negative connotation, and frankly, you are entitled to find whatever information you may need. I also find her keeping such a note strange. One would think she would dispose of all things that might remind of this terrible time in her life.

It is imperative to address these things. And her reactions will tell you where you are in the process - that she isn't there yet, but perhaps on her way.

blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 12:06 PM

Rebreather...I, too, wonder why such notes are kept around. As I move through this process I am really begining to understand that, while I would dispose of any and all traces of the A...some people dont think that away.

A fellow poster mentioned finding a packet of photos of her husband and his OW tucked away on a book shelf in his office...just pics of them doing company related activities...so sex stuff...but still triggered her badly. She wondered why would he still KEEP them?!? I really think the fact is that some WS dont KEEP things so much as forget they have them.

I know...I know...it is hard to comprehend. I wonder how many times does something like this have to appear and cause damage before our WS realize this and actively destroy all remaining A-related items? But if you dont know you have something how can you be expected to get rid of it?

With regards to your other point....perhaps my wife is truly on her way to R but is not just there yet.

We are in counseling. The MC tells us we both are great candidates for true R.

God bless us all.

sisoon posted 5/4/2013 14:59 PM

Hey, man, you triggered, the trigger raised issues, and you addressed them honestly. Your W didn't handle it all that well, but she didn't run or gaslight, either.

Of course it's messy - recovering from this trauma is very messy. But it sounds like this is a time to take a bow, pat yourself on your back, and give yourself a very nice hug. You did good. JMO.

blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 16:33 PM

Thanks Sisson...I appreciate your insights and support.

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