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Overtired and my brain won't shut down

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OptimisticWife posted 5/4/2013 11:04 AM

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. It's 2am here. I'm feeling sad and alone. I let myself get overtired and I know it always results in me laying here, feeling sorry for myself and unable to sleep.

I want to wake my H so he can maybe offer me some comfort but he's in such a deep sleep that I'd feel bad if I did. I doubt he'd mind in fact he'd probably want me too but I can't bring myself to wake him.

I've had a good day today. I survived a trigger as H went to his friend's house to work on his car. This is the same friends house he use to tell me he was going to when he was actually visiting OW.

Back then, I had no reason to doubt him. I knew the area his friend lived but not the address. I didn't think to use find my iPhone because I was not suspicious at all.

Now I know where the friend lives and I could have checked find my iPhone to confirm he was there but I didn't feel the need to. I was proud of that as its the first time he's been to visit that friend in a while. He was worried about it triggering me. He only agreed to go help his friend because I said I wanted him too. I wanted to move past that trigger. I felt that I succeeded in doing so.

I think what has got me feeling so sad is my work with my IC.
She wants me to start working on my self identity. She wants me to write who I was in the past, who I am at present and who I would like to be in the future.

I've been given this thought since our session yesterday and I am stuck at the beginning with who I was in the past. The thoughts I'm having bring me to tears. I just keep thinking about my optimism, my innocence, my genuine, caring, loving nature. I had just turned 15 when I met my H. I was so young, trusting, innocent, caring and hopeful. I was naive enough to believe I could save him from the pain of his childhood. I gave him decades of my life as I tried only to have my efforts repaid with emotional and verbal abuse. We had some great times that kept my hope alive but overall, I was emotionally beaten down.

I finally realized I couldn't 'save' my H. That only he could help himself. I shifted my focus onto myself and finally lost weight, got fit, made lots of friends and started feeling great about myself. This is when my H had his A. This is when I came crashing down. This is when so many parts of me crashed and burnt.

I am grieving the losses in myself. The trusting, innocent, caring, nurturing, optimistic and loving person I was.

It took me years to truly like who I was and now that woman is gone. Now I am trying to find my feet and define who I am right now. I can't. I'm just stuck at grieving who I was.

I know this is my work that only I can do but I am so hurt that my H has taken the woman I was and destroyed her just when I started liking her finally. I know I will find positives in who I am right now. But I think at this moment, I need to grieve the loss of who I was.

Sorry for the long ramble. Hope it makes sense.

blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 11:43 AM


I, too, am grieving the loss of myself due to the A. I am hopeful that I will become that trusting, caring, geniune, optimistic person. I too am working on myself.

I had no jealousness towards my wife...she could talk to any man and I didnt feel threatened. Now...sometimes I am the opposite...I am jealous over any man she even smiles it. Sometimes I think Well, she is going to do what she wants...she has proven that....and I just ask to tell me if she is going to step out again...almost borders on apathy.

It is a strange desire to both embrace and push away my wife. I desire to be close, but so dont want to be hurt like this again. But then I think about the strength I am gaining through this.

Like weightlifting...10 reps of 25 pounds seems hard and hurts for a week....then next week I step up to 35 is hard and hurts for a bit. If I pick up the old 25 pounders again it seems easy. Will my wife chosing to bring another A into our marriage be like the 25 pounder I am trained to lift or the 35 pounder that is hard and painful?

Am hoping this helps.

I have questions too.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:45 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

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