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What to do of friends of X

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ManBearDivorce posted 5/4/2013 12:39 PM

Just today I get a message telling me that XWW will be late picking up the kids because she is running the Run or Dye 5k and she is going out with a friend of mine(lets call her MC) to go eat out later. I'm ok with her telling me that's she is late but I had to go unfriend MC on FB because I have told my friends I can't deal with them just being close to someone who stabbed me in the back.

Question is, am I overreacting? Will I ever get this feeling out of me? Did anybody do the same thing? What should of I done?

I have done the same with all my inlaws. Family is family but friends I could imagine having boundaries and strong morals.

inconnu posted 5/4/2013 12:59 PM

I know a lot of people, who have not dealt with infidelity personally, think the "I don't want to pick sides" idea works.

For me, if someone didn't pick sides, it meant they weren't on my side. I didn't lose any real friends over it, but my acquaintance list got cut way down.

little turtle posted 5/4/2013 13:07 PM

None of my friends hang out with XH.

Do you and XW have a lot of mutual friends?

I had this happen with an old boyfriend who cheated on me (back in college). We had many mutual friends. They were my guy friends who hung out with him. I wasn't old enough to go to the bar and they all were. None of them told me he was cheating on me. None of them are my friends anymore, but I am "friends" with them on facebook.

hurtinky posted 5/4/2013 13:18 PM

I have no desire to maintain a friendship with anyone who maintains a friendship with ex-WH.

I don't believe that the "I'm not taking sides" works. I think it means they are on the side of the one they are talking to at any given time. If they are talking to you, they are on your side. If they are talking to the ex, they are on his/her side. I don't need *that* in my life.

ManBearDivorce posted 5/4/2013 13:34 PM

I think they don't talk much but they are going out to eat. They don't maintain talking all day but I think only on special occasions. But still I think they should know better right?

stronger08 posted 5/4/2013 13:53 PM

A real friend will not condone, support, comfort etc a person who hurts you like the WS has. If they are not part of the solution they are part of the problem. Cut them loose !!!

Must Survive posted 5/4/2013 14:58 PM

I have removed mutual friends from my life. I have lost a couple of 'close" friends due to this. But then, they weren't really friends of mine if they could remain friends of STBXH after what he has done.

GabyBaby posted 5/4/2013 15:17 PM

I don't believe that the "I'm not taking sides" works. I think it means they are on the side of the one they are talking to at any given time. If they are talking to you, they are on your side. If they are talking to the ex, they are on his/her side. I don't need *that* in my life.

Bingo. I completely agree with this.
Like Hurtinky, I have no patience for this bull#$% and would drop said "friend" to avoid the drama.


hoya96 posted 5/4/2013 15:57 PM

Mine was especially complicated because the OW was my best friend.

To say we have "overlapping circles" was an understatement. I believe we had close to 100 mutual friends on Facebook when I found out about the affair.

As previous posters have attested, some people do take the stance that "it's none of my business/she,he didn't do anything to me" approach. Those people I did unfriend on social media, more because I needed to protect MYSELF than to send some sort of "choose sides" sentiment. Unfortunately, the OW and ex used that to point out that clearly *I* am the problem, I'm angry, I'm vengeful, etc, etc. Those same "casual" friends didn't understand that I already have to share my 3 kids with them, I have no desire to "share" anyone else.

It's okay. 90% of the people who were *actually* close friends with both of us (our fellow "best" friends) stopped speaking to her, and ex, the day we all found out about the affair. That speaks volumes, I think.

At the end of the day, I really believe that people who judge you for enforcing boundaries and limiting any contact, even secondhand, with unfaithful exes simply have no clue. And those aren't people you need in your life.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/4/2013 16:17 PM

Those people I did unfriend on social media, more because I needed to protect MYSELF than to send some sort of "choose sides" sentiment. Unfortunately, the OW and ex used that to point out that clearly *I* am the problem, I'm angry, I'm vengeful, etc, etc.

I was about to warn you of the above consequences to "unfriending" everyone who tries to remain neutral or act civil to your ex, but I see that Hoya had already done so. The talk will be what an ass YOU are, instead of how immorally your ex behaved. We understand. They won't.

If infidelity were State Department or military strategy and you wanted to "win all," in drawing global allies to your side, then your best strategy at this point would be to stay friendly and polite to all who know both of you, and pull back unnoticeably. Friendly and polite, but keep private, no details discussed, just say to painful to talk about, be a little mysterious and kindly stoic as you bear up from the pain. You can fall apart at home. In public - be kind and stoic. It pays off long run.

Example: Instead of unfriending your ex's lunch and 5k partner, stay "friends" on Facebook to learn from her what you need to know in the future about your ex, but filter out the ex's friends away from your comments, (there is a way to omit people you don't want seeing specific posts). Or if you want to write personal things, do them in messages only to friends and don't "live out loud" on Facebook. Classier to not do imtimate, marriage-related personal info on status updates.

Then let the ex's friend read only the selected ones you prefer your ex hear about - like how you and the kids are fine without her. Who knows? Maybe one of those neutral friends will come around to seeing that you're the most stable, nicer, best bet for a friend of the future of the two of you, side with you and slowly pull away from your ex, and one day introduce you to one off their nice, wonderful acquaintances of good character for matchmaking purposes.

Always look at the End Game. Don't win the battle. Win the war.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 4:32 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

ManBearDivorce posted 5/4/2013 17:38 PM

Always look at the End Game. Don't win the battle. Win the war.

I don't really want to fight for her friendship anymore. I have told her strait up already what I do to people who talk to her. She has told me before that she knows X cheated on me and she is not "friends" with her anymore. I really don't give a rats ass. People and there morals SMH!!!!!!!!!!!

Now XWW knows a little of who I am currently talking to. X came and picked up the kids and proceeded to say

X- "so I heard your talking L's sister now?"
Me- "It's none of your business who I talk to."
X- "ok"
Me- /silence

It felt kinda good too. Oh why do they fish?

hoya96 posted 5/4/2013 18:59 PM

I agree with Heavy Sigh's advice if your goal is to do PR and "win the war". Absolutely - it's true that the best approach is to appear stoic and impartial.

For ME, it wasn't about "looking good" or "winning a war" - I knew who I was. My goal, after having my husband blindside me and leave me for my best friend, was to only allow people to have access to me who would not have any contact with them.

I didn't care about how I "looked". I cared about staying sane and strong for my children. I was taking care of them (my 3 sweet kids) while they "worked the circuit" of social media and did damage control.

Did I "help" them in that endeavor by cutting out people, unequivocally, who seemed impartial to their actions? Yes. Do I regret it? Not for a second.

Sad in AZ posted 5/4/2013 21:56 PM

I didn't have to deal with this because the X cut himself off from all of our friends. We were together since we were 17, and all of our good, mutual friends are from back in the day. I'd like to think that I could deal with their still being friends with the X, but I've never had to test that theory.

tesla posted 5/4/2013 22:06 PM

I was very good friends with the wife of ex-shat's best friend. I thought I was going to keep her through the D but when she friended stripper whore on FB, I had to cut her loose. Incidentally, I cut out quite a bit of drama too. Before, when we were still friends, my life was full of former friend telling me all the latest crap that ex-shat was up to. She was hurt that I unfriended her, asked why. It seemed pretty obvious to me...can't be friends with stripper-whore and me...just doesn't work in my universe. I just politely told her that the D was too stressful for me and I needed to pull back from anyone that was in contact with him for my healing.

Ex-shat also recently got a FB profile, so I unfriended everyone who friended him...pretty easy decision in my book. I could not care less if they think I am angry, mean, bitter, whatever. I need my own space...he is not welcome within 1 degree of it.

[This message edited by tesla at 10:07 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

SBB posted 5/5/2013 03:21 AM

I am still in contact with several of Xs friends but they hardly ever see him. I have made it clear to them that I don't want to know anything about him. They keep in touch regularly and have made clear their support.

I don't need to ask them to choose - they've always been closer to him by virtue of their history together but I know they stand by me. For them its easier to not change the status quo - they haven't cut either of us off even though technically they are 'his' friends.

Most people will take the no taking sides option. There comes a point where not taking sides IS taking sides. I think that's where your friend here is.

I am still FB friends with some of 'his' friends but have blocked most. It would be easy enough to get rid of the rest if at any point they are an impediment to my healing.

I'm not on a PR mission - I have all of my own friends and they all cut him out of their lives pretty early on. If I started seeing photos of X on my newsfeed I'd block those people too. Not out of spite but because I have chosen to not have him in my life.

If anyone thinks you're being petty then so be it. Its only FB, its not real life. If I saw them in person I'd be cordial and treat them as I would any distant acquaintance.

What is interesting is several of 'his' friends have cut him off after a recent FB rant of his. Give it time and they'll show their arse to everyone.

I think you did the right thing. If it caused you pain then IMO it is the right thing to do. No friendship is worth derailing your healing.

If you've been clear to your friends that you will not be in their lives if they choose to be in hers then your friend should not be surprised.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 3:23 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]

Williesmom posted 5/5/2013 09:32 AM

I got all of our friends, except for one couple.

My cousin and her family don't want to "take sides". It's tough for me to cut them out of my life because they are family. I hope infidelity touches her and hers at some point.

ManBearDivorce posted 5/5/2013 14:20 PM

Thanks for all your replies. It reinforces that my actions are not that different from others and that I shouldn't fret! Thanks S.I. contributors!!!!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/5/2013 16:13 PM

I didn't have to deal with this because the X cut himself off from all of our friends.

Ditto for me, but I will share something stupid that I did..

Soon after D-Day, STBX posted the video "Love Song" by 311 on Facebook with a post saying, "Don't take for granted all the good things in life....lose your head..lie cheat lose ur wife...suffer the consequences of the pain you've dealt...rise up better your self try to fill the holes of the hearts you've broke...strive for the greatness one felt..i love u Butterfly." (This was all bullshit of course because he was still sleeping with the MOW.)

A couple of days after that, a mutual friend sent STBX a text with a picture of a girl in a bikini jokingly asking him to come to a bar for some type of stripping contest. As STBX is a very bad drunk, most of our friends know this, and I thought my STBX had outed himself with his post, I thought this was very disrespectful of the mutual friend and immediately unfriended him on Facebook and a lot of our other mutual friends. I was in shock and shell mode and wanted to get rid of anyone in my life who might have known about the affair (I had no idea who knew and who didn't), so I just went nuts and unfriended tons of friends I shouldn't have.

Turns out mutual friend had not seen the post, had no idea about the affair, and was very hurt I had unfriended him. He later apologized for the text, but of course I can see how he did nothing to hurt me on purpose, but he understood how it would hurt me at the time..

I have since re-friended almost everyone and apologized to them for doing that in the first place. I was just lost and scared, had no idea who knew and who didn't, etc.. To my knowledge, turns out only one mutual friend knew about the affair..

All of these people have since told me what an ass he is, that of course they would choose me over him, and that they couldn't believe I stayed with him for so long given the way he treated me (but didn't want to say anything at the time because it was my life).

Also turns out STBX doesn't give 2 shits about being friends with any of them anyway. He's in unicorn fart land with his 2 (maybe more?) stupid naive sluts right now.

About 2 months ago, I actually woke up to texts from one of his best friends (who is an alcoholic) where he was saying he was so drunk, he needed to stop drinking, he doesn't want to live anymore and wants to die, really scary stuff. He was not answering his phone, so I ended up calling the cops to go check on him. He was fine, just hungover, and he's been sober ever since (yay!). But I had called STBX that day and told him he should probably reach out to that friend as he could probably use some support, and STBX never did. He's been such an ass to everyone.. (This seriously hurt that friend that STBX didn't reach out).

I'm actually a little sad to see how many of my friends and family are still friends with STBX on Facebook (I'm not, but his profile is open, so I can see everything). My sister-in-law had warned me that her ex had started posting a bunch of crazy shit on Facebook about her, so I'm hoping the people who do stay friends with him are just keeping a look out to warn me in case that happens.. He probably posts about 5 to 10 things a year, so it's not like being friends with him on Facebook means much..

It does hurt when mutual friends choose the cheater (just as it hurts when my STBX-in-laws support him given what he did to me), but hey, then those people just get cut out of my life, and I be sure not to tell them any personal information. And I keep things very vanilla on Facebook so that nothing can really get back to him.. Just funny videos, stuff about the kids, and I "like" and "comment" on a lot of other's people stuff to keep in touch..

I still feel bad for what I did to so many friends on Facebook, but I'm so happy that they are welcoming me back, because there's nothing like have a great support system of friends when going through such a tough time.. I still keep his family on Facebook too, and most of them are still very supportive of me and love me, and there's kind of an unspoken rule that we don't discuss STBX.. As I said before, he cut himself off from a lot of people (including being an ass to his family), so it's been very easy to stay friends with almost everyone..

But yeah, if they are still going to be friends with him on a personal level, such as planning a lunch date, that person is NOT my friend anymore, Facebook or otherwise..

damncutekitty posted 5/6/2013 09:47 AM

IMO not picking sides means condoning cheating. My XH put me through hell, my real friends were outraged. The rest are no longer in my life.

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