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LearningToFly posted 5/4/2013 13:03 PM

Husband and I talked about marriage issues yesterday. The biggest one is that I need to feel listened to and understood and he hates listening and doesn't understand. He likes to say "nice things" to express love. He also like to hear them. I can do the saying nice things to him but if there is anything I need to say that isn't "nice" he is "devistated by my words." His girlfriend was great at saying "words of affirmation."

I feel all alone in this . Our mutual family friend thinks I just need to forgive, move on, and work to give him what he wants. I don't believe that will really happen because I have spent years trying to give him what he wants and I end up feeling used and abused.

I called another friend, I have called her several times to get together since this all came out. She is always busy. I feel so alone.

Noone can really help me. I have to do the tough stuff. I know that. I just need to feel like someone will listen and care how I feel. Somehow I feel like I am just unworthy to everyone.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 1:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

Omahahurt posted 5/4/2013 13:28 PM

I am so sorry. Let me start by saying I am no expert. I found out my husband was cheating in April and it felt like I was hit by a train. At first I wanted to reconcile with him for the kids, for comfort sake, for my ego...I don't know. Then I really looked at his actions and he is doing nothing to indicate that he wants to reconcile. My advice would be to start moving forward thinking it is over. Once I let go of that last little bit of hope that he may come around, I started to feel better. Not sure, that may make him choose. Right now it seems like he has his cake and can eat it to. If he is still seeing her and hiding things from you, he is not ready to allow you to heal and move on with your life together. Mine isn't either. Don't lose yourself in this. You did nothing wrong. He made bad choices, not you.

LearningToFly posted 5/4/2013 13:36 PM

I think he isn't contacting her anymore. We had problems before. We have been trying to talk about those things but it doesn't seem like we are getting anywhere.

I want everything to be okay NOW! but its not and I feel like I have no one to be there with me in real life.

What2Thnk posted 5/4/2013 13:36 PM

It sounds like he's still in the A, and what he's telling you is that he wants you to act like her. FTG! If he wants R, he should be stepping up and taking responsibility for what he did, and from what you said, it doesn't sound like your talk about 'marriage issues' included much of that.

You are not unworthy, your WS is the unworthy one. Can you go to IC?

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/4/2013 13:47 PM

He likes to say "nice things" to express love. He also like to hear them.

Sorry but if this is the ONLY way he wants to express love then it is shallow and placating to me. Very juvenile. He needs to grow up. Sounds like you are the only one vested in this marriage, stop, Stop, STOP. If he is unwilling to invest any of himself into the relationship then kick his ass to the curb. He is acting like a child not a man.

His girlfriend was great at saying "words of affirmation."

Yeah, it is easy for her because all she has ever had to do for him is spread her legs and coo nice words in his ear. Her part-time job is easy. Let him share "real" life with her with all the obligations and challenges then he will see how fast all that changes.

Omahahurt posted 5/4/2013 13:48 PM

In the words of the zac brown band, "save your strength for things that you can change, forgive the ones you can't, you gotta let it go." That song has helped me let my husband go. You need to do what your heart tells you is right. Trust your gut. Find strength from within yourself. I looked at my situation and had to find the answer to the question, did I just like being married, or did I like being married to him in partcular. Today, I think it was just married, he is nothing special. Tomorrow that will change again. You are not alone in this though. This has been the most horrible 20 days of my life so far. I have learned so much about myself though that I think I would have never discovered. I still wish I could turn back the clock and fix my marriage before this happened. Then I revert to the zac brown band quote.

LearningToFly posted 5/4/2013 13:52 PM

i do go to an IC. I have depression so I have actually been going for years. She can't say I should leave him but she has said that she can listen to me and support me but she can't tell what to do or change him.

I just want this to go away. It is more than the affair. To me the affair is typical of my husband. She reached out to him and he willingly and passively went with her because our lives are not fun and easy. He could say nice things to her and she responded so readily. It was natural and simple.

He is someone who likes to be "nice" so he keeps his feeling inside but they come out in behavior. I am the opposite. I blurt out everything hoping to be understood. Its been like this for 30 years. Our kids in counseling have said that they learned that you can't talk about your feelings in our family. Its strange because I have always listened to their feelings and tried to understand where they were coming from. My husband is the fun one. They laugh and joke with him. I am the one they express their feeling with. They are all using drugs now which I am totally against so the open communication is gone from everyone. I can't validate them in their drug use.

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