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Well after finding out yesterday that he still had phone contact with Ow (He isn't living home) I told him he needs to go NC with her in order to get his own head straight, as he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants. He says its not about her , well then I said you don't need to keep in contact. It will just keep messing him up, so he agreed. Today I asked for her phone number and he did give it to me (I checked it is her number) Now I can check phone bills to make sure there is NC. Of course, I guess they could use another number. I want to do the 180 on him but I don't know if I'm ready, and I can't completely break contact with him because of the business we own. I get so much going in my head that I don't know which way is up sometimes. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I am so tired its impossible to think straight. I think my brain actually shut it self down yesterday. I had just gotten over a real bad spell of crying and being upset and was sitting on the couch and I guess I fell asleep for like 2 or 3 mins but it didn't feel that way it was like my brain just shut down, like it was on overload. Has anyone ever expierenced that? Kind of scary. I'm rambling again.

Giving you her number is a positive sign, but unfortunately there are other ways they can communicate....office number, facebook, second cell phone, etc.

My concern for you is he is calling the shots for your life. I understand your D-day is recent, but I have seen too many times here where the BS tries to "nice" the spouse back into the marriage, in essence it generally has the opposite effect.

Show him you are strong no matter how weak you feel. Limit conversations to business, finances and children. Let him *see* that you WILL make it with or without him. Put yourself in the driver's seat in this situation...consult an attorney, not to file, but to show him you will not allow him to cake eat or play ping pong with your life.

I am at 8 years post D-Day, and I didn't find this site until about four years later. One of the things I did from day #1 (although my situation he dumped OW) was to let WH know in no uncertain terms it was my way or the highway. He did tt me to death, but everything else I requested was clean and crisp and he didn't flounder. He knew I meant business.

like it was on overload

^^Exactly what happens after D-Day. Not only do you have to think of everything else in your daily life, but this trauma is like carrying a backpack full of bricks, it weighs you down and sometimes you fall, sometimes you are numb, sometime you are in overdrive. What you are experiencing is very normal. Are you meeting with an IC?

annb

I am starting to show him I am going on with my own life, I have been reconecting with some old friends, and have made some new ones. I have something going almost everynight next week. Except weekend

I am going to start therapy on Tuesday night, Definitely need that!!! I know it may not sound it but he isn't calling all the shots, I have already told him I'm not sure I could ever take him back. And as far as the Ow I am cautiously optamistic(spelling?) that he has broken contact. But I'm not counting on it. He seems very remorseful of the hurt he has caused, but he says he isn't sure about staying in our marriage or being single. He says he isn't happy in his life. I told him to figure it out but don't expect me waiting for him. It is very hard not to contact him but today we had a long talk and I think I have said all I can, I'm done talking unless it comes to finances or children. Now its time for me to get my own life. Feeling strong right now I'm sure it will fade. I'm So tired of hurting and I know I just got on this ride.

savvy, I think you are doing great considering this is all new. You really haven't had time to process all of this yet.

My heart breaks for all newbies, the shock of it all is sometimes too much to bear.

I used to find the weekends very difficult as the week was filled with work, school, children's activities, something to force me to get out of bed each day. The weekends always felt dead. Even if you are alone, you can still get out of your environment, go to a coffee shop, a long walk, a drive to the beach, anything to give your mind a short time to rest from these thoughts.

How are your children handling this?

The children are angry. My son who is 19 is being very supportive but still has contact with his father which is what I want. My daughter who is 21 won't talk to him. She extremely upset. They are both away at college right now. Which is good for them. But I miss them.

So many people think A's are private business and no one should know, least of all the children. But if we keep it secret, people never see the reality of how destructive A's are. Hopefully, our children can learn from our mistakes.

It is so hard on the children even adult kids. It was on mine. I am glad we chose to tell them. We are in R. I think it was best to tell your kids too.

Posting and reading here will be so helpful to you. People here have great wisdom and compassion. You came to the right place.

H2D

Until he comes out of the A fog he may continue to lie and contact her. When I thought it was over my fwh and ow continued with other kinds of contact. We finally had 14 phone numbers blocked, also facebook, and email. When he finally came out of the fog he just had to get downright mean to her to get her to stop contact.

My H told our adult kids. Our son has a hard time with it but I think our daughter is handling it better.

Time is what it takes. So sorry what you are going through. Hope he will know what he wants soon.

Take care of yourself.