SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

To maybe talk me down!

So, I have dated some since my divorce but nothing substantial. D was final in Nov 2011. Well, I met and started dating someone through friends this March. He had asked a couple weeks ago about where I saw this going cause he's developing feelings for me and I was like - let's take this slow. I didn't want to commit to anything. And last night I realized I'm really starting to fall for him. I was even thinking of the L word.. WTF

So..

He just got out of a 2 year relationship in February. And they lived together. Now that was over and he was moved out when we met, but am I the rebound girl? He says (and I have friends that know him to confirm this) that it was on the way out for awhile and there was always something missing - but still - isn't it too soon? He says he cares for me and wasn't expecting to meet anyone but glad he did, I was an unexpected surprise.

Now we aren't really rushing anything - I've had to travel a lot for work and he's had some traveling too, so we've had some time apart to take it slow.

Should I worry about his recent relationship? And that he needs more time? Then what do I do?

And.. I think I'm starting to have some of my old insecurities bubble up. I worry that I'm going to blow it. And I worry that I talk to much, and maybe (I can't believe I'm saying this) I like want him to know that others want to date me too - like for him to know that I'm desirable (I think this comes from my XH leaving me for another woman and not feeling worthy enough). I'm just acknowledging this so that I recognize it and not say anything stupid to him.

I realize in my relationship with XH I didn't compliment him enough or maybe make him feel secure - I've always had a hard time opening up - so I DONT want to do that with him, but I have to work on it so he knows I care for him. But I also don't want to be too needy..

I'm scared...

of being committed
of blowing it
of getting hurt
that he'll realize I was a rebound
that he'll realize what a narcissistic person I am
that he'll realize I'm not that smart or nice at all
that i'm thinking too much about this

He's not someone I normally would've dated, lol. I didn't think I'd like him at all and was worried I'd hurt him since he was so into me. He's kinda nerdy, not physically who I would normally go for but he is oh, so sweet to me. Like, there's so many differences between him and my ex. He's kind but not because he's trying to impress me, it's just who he is. And he seems to genuinely be interested in me as a person. Know what I mean?

Sorry for the ramble - is this normal? Am I crazy? I just need to let the crazy out so I don't do it to him or others.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm not ready.

I need to talk myself down...

[This message edited by Confused1829 at 5:02 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

The one thing that I think is the most important in your situation is to get or be comfortable within yourself. Could you get an IC or other neutral person to talk through your insecurities with?

Just because you are not perfect does not mean that you are going to singlehandedly blow this relationship. But it IS pretty difficult to love someone else if you don't love and accept yourself.

It's hard to sometimes realize that others can find you attractive and desirable because of the genuine you. Especially if your ex left you for someone else - that does a number on the self-esteem like no other.
He's evidently seeing something in you that he wants and vice versa.
If you've been getting that close, maybe it's time to talk about your concerns - I suspect he'll appreciate that you have the emotional health of both of you as a priority.

Thanks guys - I just needed some reinforcement and a place to 'let the crazy out'.

I'm not in IC, I don't think at this point it can do that much for me. I've been in it before, it's good, but I don't think it's the end all be all. For now, the best thing I can do is get out of my head and go live my life.

I talked with some friends and thought about this too - I think part of it is I've worked SO hard to get to a good place - I'm happy being single, independent and finally just good, ya know? I don't rely on anyone for anything. So I am pretty hesitant about going back down the path of a relationship and risking all of that again. I think the biggest step is acknowledging it. He's a really nice guy and understands that I have some trust issues and I need time, so I think it would be good to talk to him about this. I am traveling this whole week for work and then wont get back and see him until next week - so that's part of what's stirring this up. I'm going to miss him and I'm realizing I care about him, so I think I'm ready to have this conversation when I get back, even if it'll be hard.

I guess I realize if we do become exclusive, it doesn't mean I have to be married again and I can break up if I feel like I'm not sure anymore. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. But at this point, maybe I'd rather have the risk to try it out. He asked about where this was going awhile ago and I said let's just take things slow and pushed it off some.. now I think I'm ready to define the relationship.

Ugh..I wish I wasn't still so hesitant. I feel kinda needy! I don't like being vulnerable. And that's what it is, I'm becoming vulnerable again. I guess the first step is to acknowledge what I'm feeling right? Sigh....

Just breathe. Even if you haven't been burned early dating is scary. It takes a while to get to know someone and get a good handle on their intentions. Focus on actions over time, don't get too far ahead of yourself, and enjoy. It does get easier.

Also, so happy for you

Thanks Crescita!

And how are you? Missed you lady, but you look to be doing oh so well! Happy for you too. What a long way we've come