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Yakamishi posted 5/4/2013 17:50 PM

I'm not proud of , but I've called my WW some horrible names.

I'm wondering, is it common? Is there a double standard as to what is ok for a BW saysay to her WH versus WHAT a BH says to WW.

struggling3 posted 5/4/2013 17:59 PM

I am a I can only answer for myself. First of all there was no physical anything...EA of sorts. I never called names or the such. He was told how disappointed and shocked I was and he truly knows how much he broke my heart. Not to say there wasn't a whole lot of that going on in my head....just never verbalized it. I gotta tell you much changes about who we used to be, I can honestly see it happening frequently with betrayed spouses of both sexes.

HardenMyHeart posted 5/4/2013 18:44 PM

Is there a double standard

Hold yourself to a high standard and don't worry about others. It's normal to be angry, but that does not mean you should be disrespectful to your spouse.

Reconciliation is a time for healing and understanding. For emotional intimacy to be re-established, your WW has to feel safe discussing things with you. Once a discussion degrades to name calling, the discussion can only cause further damage to an already severely strained relationship.

Please apologize to your WW for calling her names and let her know you will try to be more respectful in the future.

So sorry for the pain you are going through.

avicarswife posted 5/4/2013 19:00 PM

I think a remorseful WS will accept a certain amount of venting at the beginning but I think it can be incredibly destructive if it is protracted or extreme. Is your wife remorseful?

I don't think I have ever yelled at my WH and called him names but in conversations I have told my WH that he is an adulterer and his behaviour was predatory. Prior to this he had been hurt when I told him he "wasn't a very nice person" - so I knew these comments would hurt him regardless of the accuracy.

Of course there is a double standard - it isn't acceptable to deliberately try to inflict pain with words, just as their behaviour wasn't acceptable. But as the above post says - you want to hold yourself to a higher standard.

I think whatever your usual behaviour is when you are in pain, grief and angry are just going to amplified to the max after finding out about an affair. If you normally cry you will cry to the extreme, if you normally yell you will do it more and it you normally exercise you will mostly likely do even more at the beginning anyway.

Are you in IC? It is important to talk in IC about it to get perspective. Is your WW in IC? Knowing my WS is in IC and is trying to address the behaviours that lead to the affairs is helpful for me.

Venting your feelings using a real punching bag, even hitting a cushion with a picture of OM on it, going for a run or yelling and screaming your pain out at an isolated beach might be alternatives. You are posting in the R forum so I presume want R - get some help if you are worried what you are doing is getting out of control and/or becoming destructive.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 7:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

Rebreather posted 5/4/2013 19:17 PM

I'm a big believer in not name calling. Have I? Sure. The worst things were probably ass or jerk. But I also used very real terms - I called his AP his "girlfriend" and never pulled punches when it came to using the term "fucking her." So descriptive terms? Yes. Nasty names directed at him? Not so much. Just NMS.

blakesteele posted 5/4/2013 19:39 PM

God help me...I did this. sigh. So not the right thing to out of character for absolutely scary for both of us.

I have done this twice during extreme RAGE about 5 months out. So far I have been able to control myself since.

This was wrong. I will not justify how I got to this level....I should have walked away and cooled down.

I will regret my actions for the rest of my life.

I dont think this is typical for BH...but it does happen.

God be with us all.

Yakamishi posted 5/4/2013 20:49 PM

We are in reconciliation.

I was just thinking about the cliche of when a wife finds her cheating husband, she slaps him and calls him a cheating bastard. Society in general would think this reasonable. Even have compassion for her.

But when i catch my WW and call her a whore....its different.

Not proud of it, just thinking of the double standard.

FWIW we are doing much much better. Feel like we've turned a corner, both in her honesty and my ability to communicate better.

BrokenT posted 5/5/2013 04:01 AM

I admit that the name calling started two years ago when I knew about the A. Something changed in me and I find the F word fit in a lot of heated arguments. And I feel that WH deserves it so why not use it. Besides of course calling the AP sl#t. I'm embarrassed to say that I have been doing it almost every time we argue
It's a huge issue to lose respect for your spouse. Respect is a huge thing in a marriage. I've watched my parents grow in an all-love/loveless/affairs/crazy love again marriage and went through a lot, but never did they lose respect by calling each other names or cuss or anything.
I gotta stop the F word it's killing me, I feel low after I use it

tryin2havefaith posted 5/5/2013 06:04 AM

BW here...Ashamed now to admit, but during the first initial months while in the 'rage stage', I was guilty of this.
So out of character for me too.

One time later at about a year out i can recall, after we had established that we wanted R, I lashed and just couldn't figure why. I immediately felt sick and apologized because I knew that does NOTHING towards R. Completely the opposite. Now a bit more than 2 years out, I haven't felt that anymore.

My gym has punching bags....that really DOES work, especially in early days ! Great way to release anger.

[This message edited by tryin2havefaith at 6:06 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 5/5/2013 07:41 AM


Please note the following guideline:

There is no OP namecalling in the Reconciliation forum.

Thank you.

StrongerOne posted 5/6/2013 01:15 AM

I didn't call my FWH any names, not sure why not because I sure felt like saying them. Often. Ok -- edited to add, that for the first few months I was so devastated and so afraid that he would leave, that I wouldn't say anything that I feared might make him leave. After that, I think mostly I quashed my desire to say those names because I knew that if we stayed together they would hang over us.

The worst thing I said was not a name. I told him that I had always thought that he was the most ethical person I knew, but that now I knew he wasn't, that I was better than him and always would be. Very devastating, because he sees being ethical as at the core if his identity. It took him a long time to get over my saying that. Which I sometimes feel bad about. But mostly I just feel right.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 1:19 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

Betrayed67 posted 5/6/2013 02:50 AM

I'm guilty of having called my WH stupid, ungrateful bastard. I am not apologizing for the things I've said and he understands that he deserves to be called names for the horrible things he has done.

Bobbi_sue posted 5/6/2013 05:14 AM

I've called my H some horrible things, and this was at times of extreme anger, but some of those times were before his A.

I don't think bad behavior is ever "okay" or justified. It is simply bad behavior, and something I recognize I should not do, was not justified to do. But I am human. We all are. I do think that it is possible to actually overanalyze what we do in life,scrutinizing every act or word to determine whether we were "justified" to say or do it.

I recognize I am not a perfect human being and I have made some effort, and still make efforts to be the best person I can be. But I'm still human and one of my weaknesses happens to be my mouth when I get angry.

catlover50 posted 5/6/2013 07:32 AM

I called my husband a "f#@king bastard" and he calmly replied "I was a f#@king bastard then. I'm not now". And I agreed.

Sal1995 posted 5/6/2013 07:50 AM

I'm sorry to say that I've resorted to name calling and inserting the "f word" into just about every affair-related comment to my wife.

This started just about a week ago. For the first 70 days, other than to call my wife "trash" once (and regretting saying it), I avoided name calling. But for some reason a rage like I've never felt before hit me about a week ago, and it's like I'm possessed by an evil spirit.

I didn't know I had this much anger in me. And I've never hit a woman and will not start now (or ever), so my rage finds an outlet in some pretty vile language.

I'm not proud of it at all. I hope IC will help me get a handle on this. The sense of betrayal and loss of respect and trust is so deep right now, it feels at times like I'm on the verge of insanity.

Yakamishi, we should expect better from ourselves, but expecting rational behavior from a person who has been betrayed by a loved one in such a profound way might be too much right now.

tushnurse posted 5/6/2013 08:06 AM

As you move forward and work at R it really does no one any benefit to call your spouse names. Some days it was all I could do to not do this, but then I would hear my Gma saying "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything" and I would stop myself.
The other thing was, I felt that when R really was underway I didn't want to do anything to take the control away from me. Meaning, I didn't want to EVER have to apologize for anything, and managed to not name call.

Now I did call the OW lots of not nice things.

((((and strength))))

annb posted 5/6/2013 08:27 AM

I called my WH every distasteful name I could think of during my crazy raging. I think it gave him another glimpse into the trauma he brought into our lives.

Prior to the A I never, ever used foul language.

At 8 years out, I won't apologize for it, and I don't think WH would expect me to.

The "f" word instantly became a part of my everyday vocabulary.

IMO it's very normal to lash out when your whole world is shattered.

TrustGone posted 5/6/2013 08:41 AM

Actually my WH#2 seems to respond better since my last rage. I said some very ugly things to him and threw a coke it his face. Very unlike anything I have ever done before. I had always taken the high road since DDay#1. It seems to have somehow lifted him out of the fog and showed him just how much this A has torn my life apart. I don't think he really realized until then the damage he did to me and our marriage. Now instead of regret, he is starting to show more remorse. Will it last, only time will tell. I did apologize for the coke, but not for what I said and I never will.

SoVerySadNow posted 5/6/2013 08:57 AM

I've called them both names,

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 8:57 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

TXBW68 posted 5/6/2013 09:09 AM

I ended a conversation/argument when we were separated by telling him that "You aren't worth the paper I wipe my ass with".

That's the worst I ever said to his face

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