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Newest Member: chinaandback (61844)

User Topic: name calling
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not proud of , but I've called my WW some horrible names.

I'm wondering, is it common? Is there a double standard as to what is ok for a BW saysay to her WH versus WHAT a BH says to WW.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 34671
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a I can only answer for myself. First of all there was no physical anything...EA of sorts. I never called names or the such. He was told how disappointed and shocked I was and he truly knows how much he broke my heart. Not to say there wasn't a whole lot of that going on in my head....just never verbalized it. I gotta tell you much changes about who we used to be, I can honestly see it happening frequently with betrayed spouses of both sexes.

Me - BS 58
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive

discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 639 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a double standard

Hold yourself to a high standard and don't worry about others. It's normal to be angry, but that does not mean you should be disrespectful to your spouse.

Reconciliation is a time for healing and understanding. For emotional intimacy to be re-established, your WW has to feel safe discussing things with you. Once a discussion degrades to name calling, the discussion can only cause further damage to an already severely strained relationship.

Please apologize to your WW for calling her names and let her know you will try to be more respectful in the future.

So sorry for the pain you are going through.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 33 years, Together 40 years - Reconciled

Posts: 6356 | Registered: Aug 2007
♀ 35799
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a remorseful WS will accept a certain amount of venting at the beginning but I think it can be incredibly destructive if it is protracted or extreme. Is your wife remorseful?

I don't think I have ever yelled at my WH and called him names but in conversations I have told my WH that he is an adulterer and his behaviour was predatory. Prior to this he had been hurt when I told him he "wasn't a very nice person" - so I knew these comments would hurt him regardless of the accuracy.

Of course there is a double standard - it isn't acceptable to deliberately try to inflict pain with words, just as their behaviour wasn't acceptable. But as the above post says - you want to hold yourself to a higher standard.

I think whatever your usual behaviour is when you are in pain, grief and angry are just going to amplified to the max after finding out about an affair. If you normally cry you will cry to the extreme, if you normally yell you will do it more and it you normally exercise you will mostly likely do even more at the beginning anyway.

Are you in IC? It is important to talk in IC about it to get perspective. Is your WW in IC? Knowing my WS is in IC and is trying to address the behaviours that lead to the affairs is helpful for me.

Venting your feelings using a real punching bag, even hitting a cushion with a picture of OM on it, going for a run or yelling and screaming your pain out at an isolated beach might be alternatives. You are posting in the R forum so I presume want R - get some help if you are worried what you are doing is getting out of control and/or becoming destructive.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 7:04 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

On D-day:
BS 47 (me)
WH 51 - Toasted22
M 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24) at discovery.
D-Days 2012 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA once 2010

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: NZ
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a big believer in not name calling. Have I? Sure. The worst things were probably ass or jerk. But I also used very real terms - I called his AP his "girlfriend" and never pulled punches when it came to using the term "fucking her." So descriptive terms? Yes. Nasty names directed at him? Not so much. Just NMS.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God help me...I did this. sigh. So not the right thing to out of character for absolutely scary for both of us.

I have done this twice during extreme RAGE about 5 months out. So far I have been able to control myself since.

This was wrong. I will not justify how I got to this level....I should have walked away and cooled down.

I will regret my actions for the rest of my life.

I dont think this is typical for BH...but it does happen.

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in reconciliation.

I was just thinking about the cliche of when a wife finds her cheating husband, she slaps him and calls him a cheating bastard. Society in general would think this reasonable. Even have compassion for her.

But when i catch my WW and call her a whore....its different.

Not proud of it, just thinking of the double standard.

FWIW we are doing much much better. Feel like we've turned a corner, both in her honesty and my ability to communicate better.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 39056
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit that the name calling started two years ago when I knew about the A. Something changed in me and I find the F word fit in a lot of heated arguments. And I feel that WH deserves it so why not use it. Besides of course calling the AP sl#t. I'm embarrassed to say that I have been doing it almost every time we argue
It's a huge issue to lose respect for your spouse. Respect is a huge thing in a marriage. I've watched my parents grow in an all-love/loveless/affairs/crazy love again marriage and went through a lot, but never did they lose respect by calling each other names or cuss or anything.
I gotta stop the F word it's killing me, I feel low after I use it

BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 37165
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here...Ashamed now to admit, but during the first initial months while in the 'rage stage', I was guilty of this.
So out of character for me too.

One time later at about a year out i can recall, after we had established that we wanted R, I lashed and just couldn't figure why. I immediately felt sick and apologized because I knew that does NOTHING towards R. Completely the opposite. Now a bit more than 2 years out, I haven't felt that anymore.

My gym has punching bags....that really DOES work, especially in early days ! Great way to release anger.

[This message edited by tryin2havefaith at 6:06 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]

DDay 9/2011
4-6 months of TT'ing
11/2012- Thanks for the HPV!!!
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects"-

Posts: 267 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Please note the following guideline:

There is no OP namecalling in the Reconciliation forum.

Thank you.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

Posts: 55131 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't call my FWH any names, not sure why not because I sure felt like saying them. Often. Ok -- edited to add, that for the first few months I was so devastated and so afraid that he would leave, that I wouldn't say anything that I feared might make him leave. After that, I think mostly I quashed my desire to say those names because I knew that if we stayed together they would hang over us.

The worst thing I said was not a name. I told him that I had always thought that he was the most ethical person I knew, but that now I knew he wasn't, that I was better than him and always would be. Very devastating, because he sees being ethical as at the core if his identity. It took him a long time to get over my saying that. Which I sometimes feel bad about. But mostly I just feel right.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 1:19 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 38134
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guilty of having called my WH stupid, ungrateful bastard. I am not apologizing for the things I've said and he understands that he deserves to be called names for the horrible things he has done.

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've called my H some horrible things, and this was at times of extreme anger, but some of those times were before his A.

I don't think bad behavior is ever "okay" or justified. It is simply bad behavior, and something I recognize I should not do, was not justified to do. But I am human. We all are. I do think that it is possible to actually overanalyze what we do in life,scrutinizing every act or word to determine whether we were "justified" to say or do it.

I recognize I am not a perfect human being and I have made some effort, and still make efforts to be the best person I can be. But I'm still human and one of my weaknesses happens to be my mouth when I get angry.

Posts: 6841 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called my husband a "f#@king bastard" and he calmly replied "I was a f#@king bastard then. I'm not now". And I agreed.

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2313 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to say that I've resorted to name calling and inserting the "f word" into just about every affair-related comment to my wife.

This started just about a week ago. For the first 70 days, other than to call my wife "trash" once (and regretting saying it), I avoided name calling. But for some reason a rage like I've never felt before hit me about a week ago, and it's like I'm possessed by an evil spirit.

I didn't know I had this much anger in me. And I've never hit a woman and will not start now (or ever), so my rage finds an outlet in some pretty vile language.

I'm not proud of it at all. I hope IC will help me get a handle on this. The sense of betrayal and loss of respect and trust is so deep right now, it feels at times like I'm on the verge of insanity.

Yakamishi, we should expect better from ourselves, but expecting rational behavior from a person who has been betrayed by a loved one in such a profound way might be too much right now.


Posts: 1969 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southwest
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you move forward and work at R it really does no one any benefit to call your spouse names. Some days it was all I could do to not do this, but then I would hear my Gma saying "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything" and I would stop myself.
The other thing was, I felt that when R really was underway I didn't want to do anything to take the control away from me. Meaning, I didn't want to EVER have to apologize for anything, and managed to not name call.

Now I did call the OW lots of not nice things.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called my WH every distasteful name I could think of during my crazy raging. I think it gave him another glimpse into the trauma he brought into our lives.

Prior to the A I never, ever used foul language.

At 8 years out, I won't apologize for it, and I don't think WH would expect me to.

The "f" word instantly became a part of my everyday vocabulary.

IMO it's very normal to lash out when your whole world is shattered.

Posts: 9861 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually my WH#2 seems to respond better since my last rage. I said some very ugly things to him and threw a coke it his face. Very unlike anything I have ever done before. I had always taken the high road since DDay#1. It seems to have somehow lifted him out of the fog and showed him just how much this A has torn my life apart. I don't think he really realized until then the damage he did to me and our marriage. Now instead of regret, he is starting to show more remorse. Will it last, only time will tell. I did apologize for the coke, but not for what I said and I never will.

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9217 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've called them both names,

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 8:57 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended a conversation/argument when we were separated by telling him that "You aren't worth the paper I wipe my ass with".

That's the worst I ever said to his face

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 50
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