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Tough times

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OktoberMest posted 5/4/2013 19:25 PM

We've had a tough week. Must be something in the water as I read Aubrie's post on here too...

I've been dealing with some tough stuff regarding my mum and my relationshpip with her in IC at the moment; and LH and I have had a few tough days too.

I can sense he's still bublling away with anger sometimes, and he explodes about little stuff. It's tough to deal with because deep down I know its all about the A stuff sitting in the background and the other crap is just the fall guy...

Anyway, I found myself looking at him a week or so ago, thinking that while I'd never wish being a BS on anyone, I almost felt it'd be easier some how if he'd have cheated too. I know this is crap, so the MHs please don't have a go at me...god know how you guys deal with all the stuff that there is to deal with - my hat is off to you. I just get tired, so tired of being the one that's ashamed of what I did. I'm so sad sometimes when I look at our past and I see him looking at me - with all the scars of the wounds I inflicted.

I miss the look of tenderness without those scars. I miss it so much. God I wish so much I'd never walked this path, nor taken him with me unknowingly. I should have known better that to do that to him.

I just watched a movie called Premontion. At it's heart it's terrible - and when I saw infidelity creeping in I just got more depressed. But you know, it's about how a WH made the right choice at the last minute and confessed, turning his back on his AP. Of course it's a sad ending anyway, just to make me sob like a fool. I guess I just wanted to write. Having a tough few days.

Unagie posted 5/4/2013 19:36 PM


I won't have a go at you, I get the tired. Its exhausting and sometimes we really need to get it out and vent and cry and rage but your doing the work. I look to a few folks on this site as inspiration of what I'd like to get to. You are one of those people. Sometimes we need to take some downtime. So vent away hun, vent away.

knightsbff posted 5/5/2013 02:37 AM

I'm back at the beginning this week too. Wishing I could go back in time and undo it. I thought I was working on acceptance...not yet...

I feel you.


authenticnow posted 5/5/2013 05:12 AM

(((Group Hug)))

'Battle fatigue'. You are there. It's the middle of the struggle, when you're just so tired and you feel like every day is draining every ounce of energy out of you.

The good news is, it's gets better. Really, it does .

Hang in there.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 5/5/2013 08:28 AM


Right there with you.

KBeguile posted 5/5/2013 09:09 AM

(((((Everyone in this thread)))))

I know I could use the support. The battle fatigue lessens for me when I know that my work is being noticed and appreciated.

tired girl posted 5/5/2013 13:10 PM

First off big hugs (((())))

I know exactly where you are, year two was definitely the hardest for us. I wanted somehow to help Hlessons more with his healing, and there just was nothing I could do. It was in his hands.

I know you aren't saying you wish to be a MH so I am going to leave that alone, it is more of wanting to not sit in the position that you are in.

That look of tenderness that you miss? If this really wasn't a dealbreaker for him, it will come back someday after he has done his work and moved through what he needs to with this. Give it time, I know that dreaded word.

Dealing with FOO issues on top of this stuff always adds to the load. So take a deep breath, and know that it won't be like this forever. You are in the thick of it right now. Let him work his process and you work yours, and both of you be there for the other.

I wish you the best.

Aubrie posted 5/5/2013 23:32 PM

Hi OKM, been wondering how you've been the past few days.

I know what you're talking about. I get it.

AN already said the curse word. Time. I know at the moment it's not much of a consolation, but the Vets swear by it.

Hang in there Girl.

SandAway posted 5/6/2013 10:44 AM

I miss the look of tenderness without those scars.

I miss those too...

MissesJai posted 5/6/2013 10:44 AM

(((hugs))) Year two is definitely more of a struggle than year one.

I miss the look of tenderness without those scars. I miss it so much
I can feel the pain in your words and I absolutely remember feeling this way. There were so many little "things" that left when d-day arrived. They have come back, but with time (yes, I know, there it is AGAIN) and hard work, it will return.
Time. I know at the moment it's not much of a consolation, but the Vets swear by it.
we do and with good reason. In the beginning, it's your worst enemy but ultimately, it's your best friend. Hang in there and listen, there is nothing wrong with feeling fatigued. Nobody ever said this shit was going to be easy. Just remember to be gentle with yourself.

burntashes posted 5/6/2013 13:41 PM

(((oktober))) Yesterday my husband was watching videos of when our daughter was a baby with her and laughing, but I felt a pang of guilt and pain thinking how could I have been so blind to not realize how lucky I was to have my family? I wonder if he felt pain too watching them, and I think he does. I miss memories that have no pain. It's a tough road. Go easy on yourself, rest up, and then get back up to keep going. Time does make a difference.

Gently, you're lucky to not be a MH. When your BH is angry, just keep working on being honest, kind, suppportive. It's normal to feel ashamed of the A that is causing him pain now, but if you sink into being depressed and moody, it only makes his day more unhappy. Understand his emotions, but don't internalize them. Be steadfast in working on yourself and a confident partner for him. Bad days come and go. It may help to approach him when he's calmed down to discuss what's troubling him, and if it's A related apologize and affirm him of your loyalty, that you understand the importance of your family unit together and you won't ever hurt him with dishonesty again. When his anger blows over, and he sees your consistent action, in time things can get better. I know how it feels when everything seems hopeless, but there is hope, even if you can't see it right now. Keep being a better you, one day at a time.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/6/2013 18:42 PM

I just get tired, so tired of being the one that's ashamed of what I did. I'm so sad sometimes when I look at our past and I see him looking at me - with all the scars of the wounds I inflicted.

I understand this sentiment, I really do. There are times that you are just tired and a little deflection would be nice. But we both know that deflection is a bad coping mechanism and you need to be able to work through your shame to a place of acceptance. I know, easier said than done.

Year two sucks because the initial triage is over. There is anxiety as normalcy creeps in. There is also sadness at the fact that no matter how hard you work, how much IC/MC you go through, how much you realize you love your BS, infidelity will always be a part of your history. No amount of healthy behaviors and love can erase that. Sometimes that's a hard pill swallow.

I can tell you that time has definitely been a four letter word in our household. Both of us were hoping for that fast track. It never came, and at almost 3 years out I am alright with that. The both of us have put in our hard work and we are getting to see the benefits of that now. I have a sneaky suspicion that the two of you will also. And when you do, those looks will be so full of tenderness that the scars will no longer be the focus.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 6:45 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

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