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Filling the hole!

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sparklingwater posted 5/4/2013 20:42 PM

I'm newly separated from my ex partner and finding the house seems so empty without him. I know I need to start seeing friends more and that sort of thing, but I just don't feel up to it yet.

For some reason I fill the void by excessively cleaning and recleaning my house and yard. It gives me something to do and to focus on. I think I am going overboard on it, but at least the house looks good!

What did you do to fill that void when you first separated?

Sad in AZ posted 5/4/2013 20:46 PM

I moved out when we S; moved in with my mother in another city--I don't recommend it. I had to find a job, so that kept me busy.

MovingUpward posted 5/4/2013 20:51 PM

I think that getting out with some friends to do something like dinner or a concert or a movie is a great way to get yourself to think about things other than the thoughts of emptiness that your house is a reminder.

nowiknow23 posted 5/4/2013 20:55 PM


To be completely honest, I didn't have a void. That's not to say that I'm some remarkably resilient person - just that my life was overflowing with responsibilities, challenges, prepping the house to sell, kids imploding left and right, and elderly parents checking in and out of the hospital in failing health. I didn't have time to breathe, let alone register any emptiness.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, and it's perfectly natural to not feel up to socializing yet. The timeline is completely your own.

HurtsButImOK posted 5/4/2013 21:22 PM

I joined up to discount websites that offer activities etc for very few dollars, like 10 sessions of yoga for $50.

For me it helps to try new things on a budget and gets me out of the house. I also get to explore new activities that I previously hadnt thought of trying, meet new people and try something that I might end up enjoying.

If you want PM me and I will send you links to the OZ sites.

ETA - In the early days and still at times now, when I didnt feel up to going to whatever and needed to stay in and cry, it didnt give me guilt that I was wasting a lot of money. It did provide a distraction and thoughts of what I might do/try if I felt up to it though.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 10:02 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

SBB posted 5/4/2013 21:42 PM

I did/do a lot of rage cleaning/walking. These days its my way of releasing stress - not rage.

I started off small. Going to the movies, having a quick coffee. Then I'd rush back home to cry my eyes out at home.

Work was also a fantastic distractor. I worked long hours when I didn't have the girls. I didn't tell my boss what was going on for several months as I wanted to protect the 'work me' - a place where I could be normal and that was untouched by this hell I was going through. I told him when I felt stronger and could bare the sideways looks and the sincere concern that would have burned me to my core in the early days.

I hated that people had a reason to be concerned about me. I hated all of it.

So, my advice is start off small. Give yourself time and space to grieve this. My friends rallied around me and I had to ask them for time and space. I came out of my cave when I was ready.

You're going to make it through this friend. You've got this tough bit to get through first.


hurtinky posted 5/5/2013 00:46 AM

I was in school when we first separated, in the fall of 2005. It was hell trying to concentrate, but I tried and I graduated with honors.

After that, getting adjusted to my new job was pretty overwhelming.

As soon as I started calming down from the new job, I tore into making improvements to the marital home. At the time, I think I thought I was stuck there, so I started changing things and making updates. I remodeled two bathrooms, put in new windows, replaced the roof and the wood siding. I ripped out all the old overgrown and outdated landscaping and hired a landscape architect to design new beds for me. Then, I bought the plants and did the installation myself. That was a life changing experience for me.

After I got done with all that, I went to a Parade of Homes in my area and, as I was touring one of the homes, I kind of snapped emotionally. I had this epiphany that I simply had to get out of that house and into a new home. So, I embarked on the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I sold the marital home, put all my stuff in storage, moved in with my mother, and signed a contract to have a beautiful new home built. It took me from July 1, 2009 to March 16, 2010 to go through the entire process, but I did it. Moving into my new home was a huge turning point for me. I filed for divorce in August of that year and the divorce was final in March 2012.

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