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wayward behaviors- dealbreaker?

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renee21 posted 5/4/2013 21:14 PM

I don't post much, mostly read. We are in "R" and are 3 years out from last D DAY.

I'm so quick to get pissed at WH and the first thought that comes yo mind is to throw in the towel.

He is just so damn clueless sometimes and I'm convinced there are some things that he will never get.

He's done a lot of work on himself, I give him credit for that. Every time I have to remind him about a boundary I just feel like I'm going to live the rest of my life with man that is always going to have these issues.

I've decided against D for many reasons but I just have days that I am so tired of this crap.

It boils down to the fact that I don't trust him. So when he's at the store longer than he should be I get suspicious or just trigger. He got pissy with me today and sent me pictures of where he was. I've never asked for that because I shouldn't have to.

I guess my tolerance level is at zero. I'm curious how many this far out feel this way.

Jrazz posted 5/5/2013 01:15 AM

You're not alone in feeling this way. I'm about a year behind you, but I have a lot of similar sentiments and feelings. My FWH is trying, but that clueless factor is a scary thing - it really does undermine trust when THEY don't even know how to deal with reality in a healthy, consistent way, despite how far they've come.

The bottom line is that only you can answer this. Do you have more time to wait it out, or are things getting dire?

Sending hugs. (((renee21)))

BrokenT posted 5/5/2013 04:10 AM

I feel the same way Renee.
I have no patience whatsoever for my WH and his carelessness, negligence, lack of sensitivity.
I posted here not knowing what else to do. It's very frustrating. And of course I don't trust my husband either. I keep telling myself that even he does the R work perfectly, I may trust him in a few years, then I remind myself that in a few years I'm an older person, he might want to find a younger person. Triggers, then mind movies....
I'm sorry you have to feel that way. I'm sorry we all BSs have to feel that way for something we never chose to bring into our lives

mchercheur posted 5/5/2013 08:53 AM

Right there with you all.

2 yrs out this week.
Am really trying to keep this family together, but am sad much of the time & DAILY question my decision to stay. It doesn't help that OW still works in the same building, altho I am choosing to believe that he avoids her.

WH has made some baby steps, but I don't think he wants to do any more work---he joined SI & came on a couple of times, & doesn't want to come back (because "all they talk about is infidelity" & he wants to move on!); he doesn't want to read , he is tired of talking about it. He is dying to quit MC, but I think we have barely gotten started.

I can't force him to do any of those things.

Of course, I will never trust him 100% again.

so when he's at the store longer than he should be I get suspicious or just trigger.

He is totally clueless.

silverhopes posted 5/5/2013 14:25 PM

That sounds really frustrating. It would be easier if he would take initiative instead of you feeling like you have to remind him, huh? What does his concept of boundaries look like? There are some great books on boundaries out there - I read one by Cloud & Townsend. I'm sure there would be some good workbooks. It could help you two examine and acknowledge the differences in between your boundaries and might even be a little eye-opening for him.

Good luck with this frustrating issue. (((renee)))

renee21 posted 5/5/2013 20:22 PM

Thanks all for the replies.

No, things aren't dire, I'm just tired and get frustrated.

I've been dealing with infidelity for about 10 yes now. Granted, he was diagnosed as SA at last DDay. That's when the real work started and he really started to grasp whathe had done to all of us.

Its one big complicated ball, especially with an OC as well.

The workbooks sound like a good idea. He likes to read and would probably be interested.

Thanks again. I wish I never needed this place but I'm so glad its here.

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