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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/5/2013 01:37 AM

My Story II

My story is a little usual and i will try to be as concise as possible!

Significant other: together 2000 to end 2010.
Moved in together 2002. Bought house together 2008.
Broke up 2010; he moved out Spring 2011 but moved back in due to economic difficulties, with me kicking and screaming, living in my basement (he technically co-owns house so I had no legal leg to stand on) in Winter 2012. He paid nothing, I cannot afford this house on my own, and was always extremely, overly stressed trying to make enough money from my small business and living in part off savings. (Couldn't sell house, underwater, couldn't rent other house with 4 pets, 2 of which are large dogs I have grown to love dearly but both of whom he adopted without even asking me while we we "together.")

Found out April 6/7 by accident that he was having a secret relationship. Thought at the time it began AFTER our break up but was LIVID that he had deceived me for so long and had made his FREE basement a love nest, even sneaking her into my garage under my bedroom while i was sleeping! Furious! Confronted him, he told me she was married but told me little else. Later that night when he didn't come home and questions started to mount, i started to actively snoop and discovered more information. Became progressively angrier. We were broken up, but we were "friends," he was living in my house, and I was just furious and hurt and incredulous about Deception! Desperate to talk to him, i called/texted and was ignored. Got so worked up, got a razor blade with intention to use it to do serious damage to his stuff. Thankfully a friend I texted encouraged me to throw his clothes outside and I thankfully followed her advice. He showed up about 20 minutes after I texted him about my razor blade intentions.

We ended up in bed. That's another story.

The obsessiveness began. I checked everything I could and became an amateur sleuth, sacrificing sleep and many days of work. 2 weeks later I realized, to my absolutely HORROR, that this affair had started in fall 2008, only about 6 months after we had bought house together. I had already lost it; was living on anxiety and fumes but this new information put me in such a emotional nightmare; i know you all know what that's like.

We have continued to share a bed.

We had broken up end 2010 because basically he had become an A**hole. He had been withdrawing from me, removing his care and attention from me and basically had become a nasty, barking, totally unpleasant person to be around, nearly completely unresponsive to my needs in a myriad of ways. Little did I know at the time that his behavior was classic affair behavior; i thought he had just become an angry jerk, and was deeply affected by a very real ongoing crisis within his family business which eventually led to its very sad, and tragic, demise. The sweet, very caring, loving man that I had loved was long gone, and so was my love for him. I couldn't wait for him to move out. I couldn't even remember the man I had once loved. I didn't even care to try; i was just done.

Now we are sharing a bed. He is now sweet, caring, attentive and that emotional connection that was so strong, and then so strongly absent, has returned. He's not incredibly remorseful although he claims to feel terribly guilty but I'm not convinced. I don't think he sincerely regrets what he did, except in those moments when he's looking at my contorted face while i'm hysterically crying. At those moments, he's sorry; otherwise, i have my doubts. He seems to be glad it's over. The emails I found are pretty clear that the relationship was on it's last legs anyway but neither was quite able to detach from one another. He's painting and caulking the house. He's bringing dinner home. He said he never stopped loving me. I believe him but I have huge problems with his morals and his ability to risk putting my heart into a blender and pressing shred.

He claims not to know why he started the affair. He's not an especially deep thinker in general. So I started to do the thinking. It started to make sense. He's always had a problem with money management; can't spend it fast enough, spend before earning, made poor financial decisions, lack of planning, etc etc. Wound up declaring bankruptcy shortly after we broke up. Made HUGE spending decisions over and over again either without discussing with me or ignoring my protests. Emails from me show that in 2008 when affair began I was getting pretty nasty with him, lashing out about his spending and disrespect. No longer was i likely loving and probably i no longer was mirroring him the way he needed. We had moved into separate bedrooms because he was snoring horribly (later diagnosed with apnea) and because he wanted to sleep with his dog (who wanted to eat my cats). So put the whole scenario together, and he was ripe for an affair. I get it. And I get that he was hoping things would get better between us; that's why he didn't break it off with me. And yet, i struggle so much with the ethics!!!

We do NOT share the same moral values. He will do things if he can get away with them. Run red lights. Not pay the IRS (they caught him). Basically he mostly does what he wants and then asked permission later. Or, as I found out, lies about it. And now, the ultimate request, although unstated, is for me to forgive him his largest transgression.

I am capable of doing it. I understand how the affair started and what kept it going. But I sort of hate myself for being capable of forgiving. I realize forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. And I'm okay with that part. But there seems to be no consequences for him, except whatever residual guilt he might or might not have. He literally went from bed with her (in MY house) on April 3rd to bed with me on April 7th. Nice for him, huh?

I am a trusting person. I am likely very naive. I am not a power player. I am not cunning or manipulative. I am quite real, genuine. This has not always worked in my favor. One of the reasons I think i have my own business is because I just am not cut out for dealing with corporate politics and back stabbing. I get stabbed.

It feels good to be with him again. I am amazed that it does, having been so done with him, but i now recognize him again. On the other hand, I think i'm being incredibly stupid and setting myself up for more pain. On the other hand, I could split from him, get involved eventually with someone else with another entire set of problems that only come to light after many years. Oh I should also mention that we have a great physical connection and had/have a great emotional connection, but nearly zilch on the intellectual connection. We also have different dreams; i dream of living in Italy one day, love to travel, have a fairly sophisticated palate; he dreams of having an RV and going from campground to truck stop. I am grad school educated; he has a GED. That doesn't necessarily matter; i know plenty of folks without college who are plenty educated; he's not one of them. He has almost zero intellectual curiosity. I have already read nearly 2 books on affairs and consumed the web; he's listening to one book on audio because I made it a requirement! I am thankful that he's listening but it bugs me that I'm the only one seeking meaning, depth and learning from this. But why should i be surprised? Both behaviors are totally in keeping with our personalities.

It's hard to be concise! Thanks for any responses. Next time i'll talk about my revenge fantasies, which are not as wicked as earlier in discovery, and my very real dilemma over telling the AP's husband. There are young children in the marriage.

TheAgonyOfIt
Me Betrayed Sig Other 48
Him Wayward 44
Together 2000-2010
Broke up
He moved back in as economic refugee non-paying housemate 2011
Dday1 April 6/7 2013
Dday2 April 22, 2013
No kids together
2 dogs, 2 cats
Current Status: Together

wastoosoft posted 5/5/2013 04:44 AM

I cannot say what I would do in the same circumstance, no one can unless they live it.

I do know that if my WH had come back to me and broke it off with the OW, it would have taken a long time or maybe even never to trust him again, and I believe trust has to be a big part in your relationship.

But I understand the love that is keeping you with him and the silent hope that you have that it will work this time.

I would suggest marriage guidance, but I know that not all WHs are open to it. Especially when they know they really had no reason for it. It was a weakness on their part.

Hugs for you and stay strong, look after yourself, because in the end only you can.

isadora posted 5/5/2013 06:02 AM

What have been the consequences for his actions? Is he NC with the OW? What is he doing to fix himself?

Right now you seem to be a soft pkace to land. What is he doing to make you feel safe?

Until he does the work to fix what's broken in him he will not be a safe partner for you, no matter how loving he is being at the moment.. What are the consequences if he repeats the behavior?

isadora posted 5/5/2013 06:09 AM

I'm having posting issues with my phone. I also wanted to add that you put the focus on you. You need to take time to figure out what you really want? What do you need from him to make your relationship safe?

Tell the OWBH. He deserves to know the truth about his M. He like you, may have been wondering why his loving wife suddenly change and was distant.

Hang in there

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/5/2013 16:02 PM

thanks isadora and waytoosoft.
Yes, indeed, what are the consequences for his action? So far pretty much nill! He apparently is in NC with OW but I cannot know for sure. He's not doing anything to fix himself YET; if we continue together I will insist that he does the work and he will most definitely agree to IC or MC. But whether he can change, well, the jury is out.

As far a consequences if he repeats behavior, well he's going out with the trash. I'm still not sure that's where he belongs now. and I do dream of finding someone else who actually shares my values and dreams.