This is so sensitive a topic and so hard. We have argued (lol, almost) about it off and on repeatedly.
At one point, Perv wanted to tell DD all of the nitty gritty but my foot went down and "Mama Bear" came rip-roaring out!
What I wanted him to understand, and some of you may argue with, is about when I lost the "KISA" ideals with my own father. Surely that will happen when DD(10.5) discovers fully what her "daddy"s been doing, anyway? I dont' know how much she knows yet, but her school is full of broken and blended families, and her BFF is from the same circumstances.
I completely agree about sparing details while you can, even though it's TTing kids, I think when it's information they may not fully understand and may cause them harm...then tiny bit of TT may be at hand.
DD asks about "what is a date"? if I play classical music and already in her early years they talk in the bathroom at school.
I think kids are smarter than we know and they know more than we think they do. And DD is showing that they can see through grown-ups who are real with them and who are not. That's happening in a big way, with NG, "Narcissist Grandma" and Perv, both.
They are really splashy with her, taking her out constantly, plying her with small gifts and promises of more...but in her every day life, who is there? Mom.
Validation came full force last week when she said, "I only feel safe with you, Mom."
I like your explanation of what being M is for the boy, but wonder if it's more than he needs to know-unless he asks? Perv wanted to tell DD right away we're not married anymore, but I asked him to hold off a little and not crush her or wreck this time of her childhood.
I wish you luck in deciding what to do. Nowadays, I ask her small things, like, "Are you okay?" and I let her come to me if she has questions, which has begun.
Last week she asked, "Who will care for me if you die? Will you die when the baby comes? Will Daddy care for me if you die or will he dump me again?"
So hard for all of our kids to be going through in their lives.
And you know how people say, "kids snap back?" I am a child of divorce, and life or people have never been the same for me. It's like the magic part of life blew up like a bubble for me the day my mother snuck off.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.