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notsure418 posted 5/5/2013 12:46 PM

[This message edited by notsure418 at 8:23 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

annb posted 5/5/2013 13:19 PM

Hi, notsure, welcome to SI. I am so so sorry you are dealing with the excruciating pain of infidelity.

I am on my way out, but I want to impress one thing upon did not cause her to cheat, you did not "drive her to cheat." Cheating is a choice, she owns her own actions. There are always other options, communication, separation, counseling.

Have you checked phone records or other accounts to verify your suspicions?

IMO, it is always a good thing to expose the affair to the OM wife (the best way to end an A), but I would not do it unless I had undeniable proof, hard evidence.

Keep in mind cheaters lie and lie and lie. Even if you confront her, pretty much she will deny.

Others will be along shortly, weekends a bit slow.

In the meantime, take care of yourself as best as you can.

Diva0702 posted 5/5/2013 13:41 PM

I'm so sorry that you have had to come here notsure.

This is the right place to come to get support and advice for your situation. We have all been swimming in the same sea, so please take your time here.

In the time I have been here on SI, I don't believe I have ever heard of anyone who, when asking the WS if they are cheating, have had the reply, 'yes'.

Gather all the information you can, and most certainly 'out' your WGF to the OM's wife, but be sure you have evidence that is irrefutable before you do. I have heard many here say that this is essential, so that those in the A cannot turn it on you and say that YOU are lying/mad/making it up.

While you cannot think of anything else for a single moment right now, you need to take care of your physical well being.

Don't let your GF make you think that you have any responsobility for the choices SHE has made. This is most emphatically NOT YOUR FAULT.

Everything we do as humans is a conscious choice. She chose to cheat, she chooses to lie about it and she chooses to cover it up.

YOU should choose to protect yourself.

jackson posted 5/5/2013 13:52 PM

Yes you should expose this A to the OM's BW. Do not tell your WGF that you are going to tell the other BS...just do it. If I were you I would tell her before confronting your WGF. The other BS may be able to supply you with info which you currently do not have. Hopefully the other BS will become an ally in shutting the A down. Get your message straight before confronting your WGF and don't let her gaslight you. Be strong.

Brokenheart777 posted 5/5/2013 14:15 PM

Just want to say that everyone else her, as usual, is right on point with their advice. Uncovering the A for what it truly is is the best course of actions. OM's BW definitely deserves to know but you have to be sure that you have concrete evidence.

I would also like to speak on the digging that you are doing on yourself. This is okay. To dig deep and look inward on your own faults in the relationship, separate of the A, is growth and that's good for you. DO NOT view these insights as things that "drove" your WGF to cheat because that is complete bullshit. Being broken, selfish, having weak boundaries, coping mechanisms and many other things are catalysts for Ws to cheat, NOT SOMETHING YOU did. There are a million other far better options than cheating.

toby posted 5/5/2013 14:39 PM

Sorry your here. If I were you I'd keep digging. You have reason to be suspicious, but no hard proof!!! Confronting now will get you more denials. Check her texts and call log online if you have access. Check her Facebook and her emails. If you do not have passwords, a good keylogger will get them. Again, do not confront without solid proof!!!

notsure418 posted 5/5/2013 14:55 PM


[This message edited by notsure418 at 8:19 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

HeavyE posted 5/5/2013 16:16 PM

Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Since your phone call to your WGF I would bet the house that they are already in panic mode and have come up with "answer" to whatever you have. Still, doesn't matter. I kind of want to hear what bullshit story they will come up with.

Yes, expose to the OM wife. She deserves to know. As others have already pointed out, do not tell your WGF you are going to do this. Just do it. Tomorrow.

When you contact her tell her you have evidence and offer to share it with her.

toby posted 5/5/2013 16:21 PM

Ok. A girls weekend....but your gf comes back on Tuesday? I'm willing to bet that the OM is meeting her there. Call the OMs wife!!!

mainlyinpain posted 5/5/2013 17:38 PM

NotSure, I am so sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself and try to be calm. You deserve a good honest relationship. No one is perfect and everyone has issues. A good person who loves you will help you with them, not cheat on you because of them. She had many options other than cheating. Don't blame yourself for her choice. You should contact the wife to find out what she knows. This postnuptial may mean that she found out and this is what the result of her finding out was. Your cheating GF will lie lie lie. You need proof, she will not give it to you. You could hire a PI, I think they could get phone records to see how often they are in contact. It seems like you already have alot of proof, though. What worked for me was putting a voice activated recorder in his car and listening to the conversations he had in there. Her having a password on her phone means that she wants to hide something.
((Big Hug)) to you. Keep strong.

notsure418 posted 5/6/2013 14:59 PM


[This message edited by notsure418 at 8:18 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

HeavyE posted 5/6/2013 20:21 PM

I'm confused on your last post. Since I began to type a reply I see you have removed your post. Has your WGF found you posting on this site and you are now scared she will see what your plans are?

Did you expose or was the letter written to expose?

but I feel so much guilt for what I did.

I wouldn't give a second thought.

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