I wish you strength and conviction. You are not wrong.
...why would he, of all people, who just learned how to text within the last year, text a "friend" almost everyday like that?
I think that there is way more to it than friendship. What really stuck out was that he just started texting last year. How long has he known this woman. About the same time as when the texting began...HUMMM...
Perhaps you could both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It did wonders for Mr. Happy and I. If he resists, you have more info for your 'Gut'.
...honestly am I overreacting or is there something more to it than what meets the eye.
I think you know that answer to that. Its up to you how long you will take it. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that your crazy! Follow your gut instincts.
And your WH talking to your mom and her agreeing with him really does feel like your being ganged up on. She should back away from your issues with your WH. Maybe she is projecting on to your marriage what she wishes her marriage would have been.
"Their really just friends stilltrying2025!!"
The fact that he is giving so much time an energy to this 'friendship' is worrisome at best. It is crappy that he cannot see that he is hurting you by not giving you that kind of focus.
Can you put a VAR in his car or install some keylogger on his cell to see what he is saying??
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
BTW...you know this will never end until your H feels some consequences. What's your plan ?
Trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.
P.S. Your mom doesn't get a vote. Tell her to butt out.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I'm really debating on contacting her. I also have the phone number for her boyfriend and I'm debating on calling him too.
Why not? You don't have to be the crazy, jealous wife. Just keep to the facts. I would start with the boyfriend.
Please don't let on to your husband that you are going to make contact. He will collude with her to get their stories straight!
Also, have you considered that he just went and got a "go phone"? If he was stressing about his 'friendship' and now is not texting on him regular cell, he may have taken it underground with a throw away phone...
I am sorry that you are suffering. Infidelity SUCKS!
Try not to ruminate too much. Take some action. Knowledge is power. Put a sweet face on and go into stealth mode. He wont know what hit him!!!
How about this? If it's so innocent, he can stop deleting all those innocent texts and let you read them. If he won't do that, he obviously has something to hide. Friendships are not dirty secrets.
He's now trying to manipulate you through your mom and trying to make you look unreasonable and irrational to other people to protect this "friendship." How friendly is that to you?
If he also rings her to talk, then a VAR might be helpful if working out what sort of a relationship they have.
Those with nothing to hide, don't need to hide things. They are open and transparent.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
Mom is being played. Trust your gut.
I could not think straight at all.
Can you afford a PI? They cost between 500 - 1500.
Please listen to this: The very best thing you can do is go talk to the boyfriend. They may have already gotten to him, but it's ok. If you talk to him and tell him your concerns, he may say you are crazy, but believe me, he will start being more aware, and in the next couple of months he may finally hit pay dirt and believe you. Please copy any texts you have and hurry to him.
The counselor will prob say to let it go, as mine did, but really the long term SIers here are right as far as informing the bf now. Like I said, tell him but don't expect an outcome just yet. Can you show him the phone bill? He may pull up their phone records and find more.
Then you go into stealth mode. Act like you are starting to believe him. Its for your sanity. It will give you time to heal your mind and then decide what to do.
In my case,I changed the locks on the house, filed for legal separation. I told my H you have 24 hours to make a decision. You can come clean about the whole thing, go into counseling with me, stop all communication with her or I'm done.
He told me I was crazy.
I went to atty and filed.
He asked 2 times to come back, but I held firm. I told him NOT without MC.
He chose her.
I SO regret not telling her H at the very beginning. I was intimidated like you are. I thought it would push them together if he kicked her out. All it did was give them more freedom to sneak around.
Tell her BF, but don't expect anything right away. However, many SIers (guys included) have posted when they are on the way to talk to other bs and they are nervous. Many times the other spouse thanks them bc they thought something was up, but couldn't figure it out.
Post often, we are here for you.
Affairs are like mushroom, they thrive in the dark, but when light is shined on them, they wither up and die.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:23 AM, May 6th (Monday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
"Dilemma! Telling ow bh, small children in marriage!"
The OW actually emailed this woman begging her not to tell her husband! These people do not like to be outed! But it's honest and it's the right thing to do.
Also, at first I thought I had to catch them right then and there to "prove" I was right. Try to sit back. This is going to be ongoing most likely and you'll have other chances. They probably are going to be careful for a couple of weeks, but by the middle of june, they will be easier to catch most likely. But please tell the bf so he can be watching, too.
It's like when someone is with an alcoholic and they keep trying to find the alcohol so they can prove the H is an alcoholic. If they would just sit back, within a month the person is going to be drinking again.
You don't have to "prove" anything today, you'll have your chance.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:27 AM, May 6th (Monday)]
You need the 180 (BS FAQ #11 in the Healing Library), and a gym membership to get you out of the house. Find one with a pool if you can't picture working out right now. Start doing stuff for you and focusing on you asap.
The idea that your mom is willing to ignore those big red flags is disconcerting (hopeful wishing and living in denial?). You've got an EA here at the least, maybe your mom is thinking that it isn't the same kind of animal as a PA... she'd be wrong about that.
[This message edited by Take2 at 6:17 AM, May 6th (Monday)]
I'm so scared to do too much changing as I feel I will just push him further and further away and I don't want that. I want my husband. I love my husband. Damnit....why do I have to have so much turmoil in my life.
I saw yesterday as he was showing me some pictures of his childhood home being torn down that he had taken some new pictures of our Granddaughter. Wonder how long it will take him to send them to her? She doesn't need to know what my Granddaughter looks like. This pisses me off and my daughters.
I'm going to try and work on me these next few days and see how it goes. Gotta take 1 day at a time and do baby steps. Thankfully I have support from a couple of friends who have been through similar situations and all of YOU on this site to encourage me. I can't thank you all enough.