"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LastChanceLarry posted 5/5/2013 14:34 PM

Ok, i'm sure there are at least a few of you who have turned to online dating in search of NB and i'm looking to do the same. At first i signed up for match.com but i quickly grew to dislike the interface and then a friend suggested OKCupid which has been nice so far.

Initial thoughts: It's quite a confidence boost to throw up a few photos and a self-description and then see that people are checking me out and even "liking" me. Also, it's very promising to see so many smart, attractive, successful people out there and now i'm really looking forward to moving on with my life with someone like that (really makes me realize that i had "settled" for WXGF).

Do you guys have any pointers for an OLD beginner? I'm no stranger to the internet or posting online (obviously) but i don't really know how to navigate the OLD scene, or any dating scene for that matter. Should i sign up for multiple sites or just focus on one? How does OKCupid compare to the other options? I'm not looking for hookups, long term/serious relationships are all i've ever been interested in. Any advice when it come's to filling out your profile?

If anyone is already on OKC and wouldn't mind giving me some feedback on my profile i would greatly appreciate it! Just send me a PM.

Thanks gang.

~Larry

Hope24 posted 5/5/2013 16:38 PM

Dude, honestly? I have followed your posts. The last thing you should be thinking about is dating.

Broken attracts broken.

I.will.survive posted 5/5/2013 17:05 PM

I don't know your story and you didn't ask for advice on if you were ready to date.

I just used Christian Mingle and found a wonderful man who is definitely a keeper and serious relationship material.

I chose him because he was a 100% match, I found him attractive and his communication style via email was very intelligent. My profile was very honest with a few simple pictures of me, one without makeup. I wanted to attract someone very much like me, not someone looking to hook up or flirt, etc.

I'll be glad to look at your profile if you want advice on how it comes across.

LastChanceLarry posted 5/5/2013 17:12 PM

The last thing you should be thinking about is dating.

This is probably true but does it really hurt to look? My signing up online is probably a knee-jerk reaction to recent events but it doesn't change the "feel goods" i've gotten so far.
Plus it'll probably be a while before i find the right match, i'm going to be incredibly picky this time around.

~Larry

Catwoman posted 5/5/2013 17:37 PM

Larry, those feel- goods will totally submarine you. Why? Because you are emotionally bruised, battered and not knowing which way is up. ANY ego strokes (the "likes" and the "winks") feel like balm to your wounded psyche. I get it. I do.

But . . . broken does attract broken. The folks that appear all together and such . . . They may or may not be. I am who I want to be on line. So is everybody else.

I don't think there is anyone here who will say that they wished they had started dating earlier. There are a slew of folks, myself included, who wished they had waited longer.

Why?

Because you don't know how much healing you need to do until you realize how much dysfunction you are carrying into this new relationship. And that baggage almost always creates a lot of friction. A. Lot.

That being said, you do need healthy social interaction. I suggest you hang with friends (even couples friends can be fun) and put the dating idea on the shelf until your life has stabilized more. Seriously . . . someone in the middle of a divorce and the myriad of emotions it brings is not a good prospect for a woman who has her life together. So while you may say that you are going to be picky, the women are going to be picky too. And those who have it really together will possibly not take a chance on you. I know my personal barometer (after years of dating) is a minimum of one year divorced, a healthy acceptance of their situation and using dating to truly connect with people vs. finding a band-aid for their pain.

I met my SO of close to three years now on-line. He had separated in 2008 and divorced in early 2009. He had been advised by a "Men Undergoing Change" group to not date for a year. We met mid-2010 and have been together ever since. The group gave him a solid foundation for managing the transition in a healthy way. Maybe something like that would help.

Cat

million pieces posted 5/5/2013 18:33 PM

My marriage was over before Dday, I just didn't know why. I still liked my ex at the time, thought he was a good father, but was planning the divorce when the kids hit college. It still BLEW ME AWAY when he confessed to a 6 month affair and then left after 3 weeks. And the aftermath with the kids took every bit of my energy. But honestly, I felt enough detached from him 9 months later to start dating. My div was around the corner, what was the harm?

Well, divorced didn't happen for another 14 months. And I didn't count on actually meeting a great guy. And then having said great guy dragged into court for the divorce because my ex is crazy.

I tell everyone to wait until divorce is final. Do you really want to see your girlfriend on the stand having to admit that yes, she has had sex with you?

phmh posted 5/5/2013 20:09 PM

This is probably true but does it really hurt to look? My signing up online is probably a knee-jerk reaction to recent events but it doesn't change the "feel goods" i've gotten so far.

Hope is right on. Use others who have come before you as cautionary tales.

Yes, it can hurt just to look. As we always say, and as Hope said, broken attracts broken.

So, why can it hurt just to look? Any number of reasons; for example:

1. You say it's just to look, but these are real human beings on the other end. So many times on here, even with people who are healed, they start to see someone and then after a few dates, the other person says they weren't ready to date -- why be on a dating site and play with someone else's emotions and waste their time?

2. Someone who is attractive and appears nice messages you. Because you are not healed and are looking for external validation, you excuse/ignore red flags, which results in you winding up in another bad relationship. Because you're not ready, you don't end it when you should and wind up wasting years or decades with someone else who will hurt you.

3. Even if you meet someone who is compatible, and who would be a match had you met a few months later, because you are still not ready, you screw it up by being needy, jumping into committed relationship too quickly, being overly suspicious and accusatory, or anything else that happens when you're not there yet.

I could go on and on. I suspect you will date anyway, since most people do, then they come back later and say that we were right and they should have waited. It just makes me sad that not only are you likely to hurt yourself worse and delay your own healing, but likely someone else as well.

What's the rush? When I was not yet healed, I was in a rush to find someone since it wasn't fair that he had someone and I was alone. But introspection, healing, and the advice from people here worked. Being alone is wonderful -- I've learned so much about myself and accomplished so much more in the past year than I could have ever imagined. I'm now a better, healthy person, and I will attract someone at that level.

And I know this has been addressed a lot here lately, but NB does not mean dating. Being in search of a NB is rediscovering LastChanceLarry. What do you like to do that you couldn't do while you were in a relationship? Is there a hobby you've wanted to take up or restart? Any goals? Books you want to read? Friendships to rekindle? Dating can be part of a NB, but it shouldn't be the focus or you lose sight of the most important relationship -- the one you have with yourself.

Maxiom posted 5/6/2013 10:21 AM

I do try to stay out of the NB threads, but this is something that I chafe at. Dating doesn’t necessarily mean long term commitment. If you want to go out and start dating.. then by all means do so. Just be up front with anyone you may meet that you are not ready for anything more than casual dating at this time. Cause Ill agree with the majority.. you aren’t ready for anything else.

When I was dating it was rarely about finding a future GF/wife. I enjoyed the social aspects of dating.. the companionship.. the attraction.. the little bit of sexual tension.

I know it may take months to a year to truly get over a break up. Especially one involving infidelity. However, if I were in this position I know I would not spend any time on the bus if I could help it.

Keep in mind, you are somewhat vulnerable. There aren’t only male predators out there. There are also many women on OLD who are looking for an easy mark. So tread carefully.

lieshurt posted 5/6/2013 10:40 AM

I have to disagree with Maxiom....

Keep in mind, you are somewhat vulnerable.

....And this is why. Since you are very vulnerable right now, any form of dating is especially perilous for you. So many have made this mistake (myself included) thinking they could "handle" it and that it was just a way to socialize only to end up crashing and burning hard.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 10:56 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

damncutekitty posted 5/6/2013 10:44 AM

Maxiom- Even casual dating too soon after D can be unhealthy. And while I am not an opponent of casual sex, I also know that if someone is emotionally vulnerable then it's not really a good time to be engaging in that activity.

A lot of us here in NB discourage people from using dating as a crutch, a distraction, or as a way to skip the healing process entirely. It is never OK to use another person in that way.

People can have social interaction and companionship without jumping into the dating pool.

LastChanceLarry posted 5/6/2013 11:02 AM

I hear what you guys are saying and my gut is telling me that it IS too soon and i would use this as a crutch. You're right. It was a stupid spur of the moment thing and i got caught up in the need for validation. I've got some work to do before i can have the type of relationship that i really want.

I'm young, i can wait. It sucks hard but i gotta make myself do it just like i've been making myself stop caring for WXGF.

Thanks for the 2x4s, gang. I thought i was doing better, got cocky and impatient, and now i realize that i'm really nowhere close to ready.

~Larry