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savvy posted 5/5/2013 15:03 PM

I am so incredibly down for the past couple days. I don't know if the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. I am sitting here all alone not know what to do. Not that there isn't housework or homework I could do but why bother? That kind of how I feel. I just want to go to sleep but can't its too early. I am in a constant state of panic with that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. I feel like I'm getting worse rather than better with time. It has only been a week and a half. I feel so betrayed, rejected, alone, lost,scared,angry. what do I do?

Brokenheart777 posted 5/5/2013 15:22 PM

Savvy,
I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I know the feeling completely and all too well. It can be devastatingly overwhelming. You are grieving and unfortunately it is normal. It will pass, I promise this and hopefully you know that. I spent a few weeks racked with severe depression but pushed through it. Hopefully my strength will continue.
What to do? Remember who YOU are. Remember that you are a good person. It may seem impossible but remind yourself to keep WS problems off of your conscience. You will hurt, you will grieve, you will be up and down. It's a process and it can be a drag to constantly hear it but time will heal you. Please keep posting. Talk to trusted friends. Based off your recent posts, you seem to be taking the right steps for YOU. Finding strength in yourself is the greatest benefit.

daledge posted 5/5/2013 19:25 PM

I know how you are feeling; I feel that way as well.

Just remember this is not your fault. It is his bad choice.
You are a wonderful person and need to take care of YOU>

I know that talking to a therapist does help. He/she can give you some perspective.

I still cannot believe I ever even lived through last year.
It was a good day for me if I walked the dogs. And a better one if I managed to do laundry or even empty the dishwasher.
Do not put any pressure on yourself. Just do what you must.

Look for supportive family, friends and make a plan.

Good luck!

Ashland13 posted 5/5/2013 19:39 PM

I'm really sorry, Savvy.

I walked the earth like a person without senses for at least two months and the grief has been so consuming it has been hard to get out of the blankets.

One of the things I did was to search very hard for any thing in the world that could give me comfort. Sometimes I didn't realize that I could be comforted at all, but very, very slowly made myself admit that something made me feel nice.

I clung to that feeling and then when I had to do something else, clung to the realization that I felt nice or ok without STBXH anywhere around. It was really, really small things...like a shower or caring that I changed my clothes or that I prepared dinner for my daughter and she ate it.

Sometimes it was any successful thing I did, like a chore. Those are good because there is a definite start and end and at the end of the day, it is a show of actual time spent doing something.

I also made lists, but differntly than before and when I looked back at them at bedtime, I had actual accomplishments.

There are other very root or very, very basic ways of living things that I've done that I will share if you like. Some are things people told me and some my own minute successes and the only things that got me up on mornings that just wouldn't stop coming.

I still have the periods where I seek sleep at any time of day, if I can. I've been told it's the depression and thinking we can escape that way. But when we wake up, reality is still our companion.

I wish you calmness and am sorry for your sadness.

When I got the sick feeling in my stomach, I would drink unflavored soda, or sometimes water, very slowly. And I would pay really close attention to my breathing and try to see if I was breathing all the way out because I tend to take shallow breaths that make the tightness worse.

I hope anything will start to help.

savvy posted 5/5/2013 19:44 PM

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry your all on here but thankful I'm not alone. I don't think I would have made it through the last few days without this website and all the wonderful people on it

sparklingwater posted 5/6/2013 03:17 AM

Just sending you some hugs (((Savvy))) and wishing you a better Monday (I think it will soon be Monday where you are, it is Monday evening where I am )

The emotional upheaval is immense, there is no doubt about that, but slowly with time things will get a little better progressively. Things like housework are inconsequential, don't sweat them. What is important is YOU so concentrate on getting what sleep you can, as well as feeding and watering yourself. Allow yourself to cry when you need to, and vent either to trusted people, or us here, when you want to. If you can read or watch some movies, anything to get your mind off stuff for a while, then do so. Be assured what you are feeling is "normal" for what you are going through, and it WILL get better.

annb posted 5/6/2013 08:08 AM

Good morning, savvy. Just checking in to let you know I am thinking about you today and hope that today is a bit better than the weekend was.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, don't think about tomorrow (hard to do), just get through today.

When I was really sad or angry, I used to go for a drive and cry, wail, scream, just to release the pent-up emotions. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel a bit better.

Have you spoken with a doctor about temporary meds? Many of us here have taken them just to help us cope, they will not erase the pain but the meds will allow you to have a bit more clarity and help you sleep if you need.

((((savvy))))

savvy posted 5/6/2013 09:15 AM

Hello
Hi at least I got out of bed today without crying. I am at work, which is really difficult as it is a business we have built up together. I was already on anxiety med but doc gave me Xanax. It helps but I think I may have to get something for depression. I just want to get over the hope of R since I really don't think it will happen but that hope is always in my mind.

papoula posted 5/6/2013 13:27 PM

Hi savvy I feel the same way you do.

One of the few things I can do is shower, smoke and eat. I feel guilty that the house is a mess but I try not to sweat on it like others said.

Last night I got a movie, Silver Linings Playbook and it brought me into a great mood. The movie is great and it talks about adultery and recovering from it. It brought some hope of a better future and happy ending.

Like you I don't know how I would have survived the past week without this forum. Reading the stories from others going on the same situation as mine makes me feel that I'm not alone and the help we get here is beyond amazing.

savvy posted 5/6/2013 15:41 PM

Popoula
It's an awful feeling isn't it. I'm so sorry your feeling it too. I haven't been able to watch any movie or show that has anything to do with romance or relationships. Even with happy endings. I already get my hopes up too much as it is I feel like I'm just waiting for next bomb to drop.
I want off this ride over

Brokenheart777 posted 5/6/2013 16:57 PM

This ride sucks. Pretty much every part of it sucks. Hope can turn in to a mortal enemy for your mind. It's is absolutely best to ignore any thoughts of hope that don't have anything to do with you or the ones who are truly there for you. Having one or two very close friends to talk to and vent your mind of the mess is very helpful. At times I feel I burden those that I lean on but they understand the importance that they hold to my healing. Can't say it enough. Just focus on yourself. It will be difficult but it's the path to healing yourself in the wake of all this. We are all here for you and I'm incredibly greatful to have this site.

kiki1 posted 5/6/2013 17:09 PM

(((SAVVY)))
Be extra kind to you. Dont worry about the house, its always going to wait for you I'm sorry your in such pain.