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Stephanie917 posted 5/5/2013 16:43 PM

Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I have mixed feeling about how to treat the day. We are both in IC and MC and the counselors suggest that we do something special to acknowledge the work we're doing and the progress we've made so far. It's true that WH has put in 200%, and even with the truth I've learned our lives now are way better than they were this time last year, or the year before. WH knows that the jury is still out, that I'm taking it day by day, moment by moment and there are no guarantees at this point.

Still, neither of us know what to do for that day.

Any suggestions? Anything anyone did to at least acknowledge the day? Is it going to be too painful for me? Although I already think of that marriage as over. No way am I going back to that. So I don't know.

sisoon posted 5/5/2013 17:44 PM

I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way. Our 1st anniversary was almost 9 months from D-Day. I told my W I didn't want to celebrate, but I might go out on a date with her if she asked me out (I wasn't playing a game; I honestly didn't know how I'd respond). She arranged a low-key dinner for the 2 of us at a 'Beijing duck' restaurant, and it was great. (For the 2nd, I actually bought her a gift - a candy bar).

Anyway, this worked for me. Other people make big deals of their 1st pots-D-Day anniversary, and that works for them.

This is a very personal thing. Do what you want. See how it feels. Adjust as appropriate. If you're not sure, flip a coin - it'll probably work out pretty well.

Stephanie917 posted 5/5/2013 20:10 PM

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I'm really worried about the day. Mixed feelings, even though so much positive is happening.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/5/2013 22:41 PM

I like Sisoon's answer. Sort of go for an understated acknowledgement of the day. Our first anniversary during R was pretty low-key. It just seemed like a safer idea than doing something big. Also, if you don't make huge plans, then if you trigger once that day arrives, it won't be a big deal to change plans at the last minute.

Think along the lines of a simple picnic at a nice park.

dameia posted 5/6/2013 08:52 AM

For our first anniversary post DDay, my WH took me to NYC. We left the kids with their grandparents and took a train up to the city.

We went to see a show, walked around, and spent the night at a hotel. It was nice. It felt like, by changing locations, we were taking a vacation from everything A related.

Not to say I didn't have some sad moments, I did, but it was a good break from the stress of everyday life.

Mack9512 posted 5/6/2013 09:33 AM

I'm in the same scenario. Our 10th anniversary is at the end of the month and I'm not really sure what to do. My WH wants to CELEBRATE it because it's our 10th, however I'm just not sure. We've agreed to talk about what we both would be comfortable with over the next couple of weeks.

OptimisticWife posted 5/6/2013 09:51 AM

I apologize in advance for my long post....

I suppose it depends on how you're feeling about about your WH, your M and your future.

Our first anniversary was 12 months after my final dday. I was determined to make it a good one as was my H.

The anniversary before, I knew H had engaged in an EA at minimum but my gut was screaming PA at me even though my H swore black n blue that it never got physical. I felt ill that anniversary and the feeling remained for a few days after so, I decided to call the OW and ask her if it was a PA. She confirmed it had been and my H came clean finally!
I guess it helped that my H had ended the A a couple of weeks prior to that anniversary and the gifts I got screamed guilt and regret. His heart was with me that anniversary as he'd already had gone NC and was beginning to come out of the fog.

So come the next anniversary I felt much better. I felt better that our M was in a healthier place than the previous year because now the truth was out. We had spent the whole year riding the R roller coaster. Even though it was a difficult and extremely painful year, I felt positive. I was feeling good because the truth was out and we were both committed to working towards R (even if we got it wrong sometimes).
The A shook us both up and made us realise how much we loved each other and how important we were in each others lives.

We went away for the weekend alone. We wrote each other letters explaining how we felt about each other and our past and future. We wrote new vows and read them to each other (although I pretty much reinforced my original vows). We each had the others wedding bands engraved and shared those words as we replaced the ring back on each others fingers. My H surprised me by framing a picture of him and I that I really love.
It was a special weekend. We felt closer than ever before. I am still glad we did it.
I feel like our anniversary is OURS. No one can take it from us. My H may have broken his vows but I wasn't going to let the OW take anything else from me. My H is exactly that....MY H!
He betrayed me and hurt me in a way I could never have imagined possible. But, he also begun making the changes and showing the remorse I needed to see. I wanted us to re commit to each other. I wanted us to prove that out love can overcome the worst. I promised to love my H through better or worse and as I told the OW, I meant what I said.
Our marriage wasn't a lie. We have 24 years of history together. That can't be faked. H f**ked up in the worst way but we are working hard on our M and on ourselves as individuals. We didnt give up even when it seemed the easiest way out. That is something to be proud of in my book.
I look forward to celebrating our next anniversary too. To once again see how far we've come and celebrate that too. Our marriage was never healthy IMO. We are finally on the right track and although the dips still get the better of us sometimes, I am proud of where we are today.

Good luck and all the best for your anniversary.

Stephanie917 posted 5/6/2013 12:59 PM

I appreciate everyone's responses! For the most part I'm cautiously optimistic about where we're headed right now, and I have a lot of good days, and he's trying so hard and answering all my questions, and working hard in IC and MC. I'm not certain still what to do or suggest exactly -

I want to do something completely different.

Heartbrokenjk posted 5/8/2013 21:12 PM

My one year wedding anniversary was on may 5th. We had planned a trip to the smokey mountains before the A. At. First I didn't want to go but my WH wanted to go. We had a great time and it was nice to get away from it all.
The sad part is I had a nightmare that my husband cheated on me on the night of my anniversary and I've been sad ever since.
I think celebrating can remind you of why you fell in love with your Spouse

Stephanie917 posted 5/9/2013 18:46 PM

I'm also wondering - should I refrain from mentioning the A that day, just try to let all the triggers, if any, go for that time?

I don't know why I'm so worried, except that for the past few years with all that was going on that I didn't know about, and nothing was right or good enough, I keep expecting that feeling to prevail.

Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Skan posted 5/9/2013 19:13 PM

Our 20th anniversary happened 5 days after his ONS. 21 days before DDay. We will only be "celebrating" it this year because my mother want's to take us out and thankfully, it will be about a week after the actual date.

Instead, we've decided that we're going to celebreate the 14th of June. That's the 1 year anniversary of us going to our first MC session. It was actually my FWHs idea and I like it a lot. This will be our new year 1.

ItStillHurts posted 5/9/2013 21:42 PM

I was still very traumatized 11 mths past dday. The following year I had a desire to take back our day and H was traumatized from how it all fell apart the year before and treaded so very carefully it was awkward, not all it could have been but we did get away and enjoy a weekend at a spa hotel without too much focus on the anniversary.

We tthen decided to choose another day and that just irritated me no end because then I became angry thinking OW took the good years and left me with this crapfest of memories and a fake anniversary.

So this year... IDK. I hope I am strong enough now to move past the shit he pulled on our anniversary after the A had ended/ pre-DD that will keep me stuck forever in the A or I hope I continue to believe there is something worth saving and keep trying, letting go of the bad stuff and finding love and joy in the moment.

sisoon posted 5/10/2013 17:42 PM

Steph - Authenticity, authenticity, authenticity. If you trigger, you'll deal with the trigger(s). If you want to talk about the A, talk about the A. It's important to you, to your H, and to your M not to stifle yourself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:42 PM, May 10th (Friday)]